Heaven's Tug

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted

    and saves those who are crushed in spirit. 

-Psalm 34:18

Recently my mind has been wandering back to January and all the events leading up to Gideon's passing. I find that as weather changes or things happen to those I love-that my memories are dredged up once again. It's like a scab that's being picked over and over. I think I've healed and then something accidentally rubs against it and I'm back to square 1.

A very close friend of mine just said good bye to her mother for the last time before she sees her in Heaven. I was in the loop when all of the events of her mother's departure happened and it kind of opened up some of the doors to Gideon that I thought were shut.

Her mother went into the hospital with what appeared to be a bad reaction to chemotherapy but turned out to be a rather serious infection.

My mind drifted to that September day when we went into the level 2 ultrasound thinking everything was fine...Gideon had some minor spots on his brain but my doctor had already assured me that more than likely they would clear up. That day in September, the 30th to be exact, just happened to be the same day that 9 years ago  in 2005 that I said "yes" to a handsome guy who asked me the"big question"-"Will you marry me?" September 30, 2014 will forever be burned into my brain as the day our world began to rock. Listening numbly as the doctor listed off defect after defect that they had uncovered.

My friend shared with me, a few days after arriving at the hospital and everything appeared stable, my friend returned home to rest-but instead received a call that her mother had lost her pulse and after 20 minutes of work had been revived, things were no longer stable and she needed to return to the hospital soon.

Of course the mention of anything heart related made me remember hearing Gideon's heart beat while I was in labor. I listened intently and turned down the nurse's offer to turn down the beeping noise-I wanted to hear his little heart knowing I wouldn't have long with him. I remember being prepped just in case we needed to rush into a c section when his little heart struggled with the contractions. I remember the silence of our delivery room when he first made his quiet appearance. There were no codes to call or large groups of people rushing to work on Gideon.

Sadly my friend was also the one who had to make the final call on removing life support from her dear mother.

 I remember vividly the neonatal doctor telling us that they had given Gideon a little oxygen via a mask but he was not responding. What did we want to do?-Silence-Mark and I were speechless...there are no words when you get that question after the hopes and prayers that you will get to take this child home even if it would only be a few days. Once again I'm beyond thankful that my doctor was there and she was able to be our voice when we had none-She told them very calmly to hand Gideon to us so we could hold him. Part of my stubbornness searched Gideon for a response that the doctors may have missed-that there would be this huge grand miracle right when he entered my arms. However that's not what God chose for us. Instead we got a glimpse of a little soul before he left for Heaven.

No matter who you are parting with there is no easy way to say good bye, and there is no such thing as enough time. The minute you watch a loved one leave, a piece of your heart is automatically drawn towards heaven. You start living an intensely double life. I believed in Heaven long before Gideon, but there was no sense of urgency. There was no intense tug beyond the concept of someday, a very long time from now, getting to meet Jesus. Now I know that I will forever feel that I'm in this world but not of it. I know the ultimate rainbow is to one day be in Heaven-that there will be no more tears, illness, or death. I know the day will come when I will finally see Gideon's handsome eyes and hear his wonderful voice. Until that day I will try to press on and encourage others suffering the heart break of separation!

 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.-

 2 Corinthians 1:3-4