Celebrating in the Storm

I'm a little behind in writing about the most recent celebrating we have done. I had my Birthday/Mother's day weekend last weekend. I always find it funny that my dad's birthday always falls around Father's day and mine always falls around Mother's day. When my Birthday is really close to Mother's day the weekend becomes known in our house as "The Weekend of Liz."-As in I don't do as much cooking, cleaning, or putting kids to bed...we live in a split level house so by the time it's time to put kids to bed it's always a struggle to want to climb all the stairs to their rooms!


It was interesting this time around when my Birthday began approaching my husband Mark started asking what I wanted for my Birthday. I really had no clear answers to that question- the one thing I truly wanted was more time with my Gideon-when you go through something like we have you stop thinking of material things and grasp harder at the intangible. Almost two days before my Birthday I finally figured out one thing I would love-I wanted to decorate our living room. The past four or five years I've daily thought of doing something to make it look put together. I especially thought with each bed rest, that we really should hang some curtains, but the minute bed rest was done and we had a little baby my brain would forget I'd ever thought of curtains in the first place. So I know it may sound silly but I was determined to get our living room to look a little more like adults live there.

My actual Birthday rolled around on Friday and I had a blueberry muffin and some coffee for breakfast along with many Happy Birthday wishes in real life and on Facebook. For lunch I visited my son at his school and had a picnic in his school's cafeteria-It was sweet to spend a little time with him and he gladly shared with friends and teachers that it was his mommy's birthday! After school the kids helped to make me some gluten free funfetti cupcakes and after Mark got home he took us out for some yummy Chipotle. Will didn't accept that I only wanted homemade presents from the kids so he, Olivia, and Mark did a quick present hunt at Target.-They picked a mango scented candle. Overall it was a great low key day and just what I needed this year!

Will and I at School for lunch

Saturday I got to watch Will play some basketball and make a basket! Later in the evening we had a new babysitter over to watch the kids. It's a crazy small world that she was recommended to us by a MOPS friend-but the same lady grew up with my husband's aunt in Concordia KS. She mentioned how much Olivia resembles Mark's Aunt Kristy. The kids had a great night with her and Mark and I got to go out. We went to dinner at our favorite Jose Peppers and shopped at IKEA where I found some curtains. I chose a combination of dark blue black out curtains and some more whimsical tree and bird curtains that just make my heart happy! We also found some pillow covers that go with. I know it's not a shock that I would love bird curtains-just another way Gideon is with me even on the harder days.

My Pretty Bird Curtains

Sunday was mother's day and I was able to sleep a little more while Mark got the kids ready for church. We went to church and heard a wonderful sermon on being a biblical wife. I loved how our pastor was able to help us understand more of where Paul was coming from when he wrote to Ephesus. Also how submission is an act of faith. I feel that truth more these days-it's not always easy to submit to God when I feel like I could have written Gideon's story in such a different way. When everything began I was sharing our journey with Gideon daily on caring-bridge, God had a platform to perform some big crazy miracle. In his sovereignty God chose a different path for Gideon. I have to believe that God has something bigger planned. Part of the bigger I see is that he's pulled my heart closer to Heaven!

Moments with my Gideon

This particular Mother's day I feel the tug between this world and Heaven more clearly. I still have three children and two moms (my mom and my mother in law) to celebrate the day with. However, I feel my heart pulled toward Heaven remembering Gideon. He will always be counted among my children even if we only had a short time with him. I also feel more compassion for the many mothers who have lost children whether through miscarriage, still birth, infant death, or children lost later in life. There are many women who would love to celebrate a mother's day but they have not yet become mothers or they lost their mother. The day I used to take for granted has new meaning and new heart ache as well. I'm thankful that I was able to see friends and family on the day as I felt a bit split between happiness and sadness. The reality is I continue to swing emotion wise and sometimes I can't nail down exactly what I'm feeling. However I continue on, and try to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and looking to him for my peace.

So blessed with 2 strong Christian mothers

In my daily devotion book I've been reading, the author Nancy Guthrie, explained perfectly how to make it out of grief with a faith still intact-It's about the object of your faith. If the object of my faith had been Gideon living or Gideon getting a crazy miracle then I would have felt stuck and more stunned-that's not to say I couldn't pray for those things-but faith hinged on those things is problematic. However, if the object of my faith is Jesus then I can continue to look to him regardless of the heart breaking situation. She explained we need to keep God's will as the center of our prayer...instead of asking for what we want and then in a small "PS" saying "if it's your will."  When I look to Jesus I know he can make something good come from all the heart ache. Jesus has pulled me just a little closer through it all.

The other day, as I was running errands with my two younger kids, God gave me a beautiful picture of what has been going on in my heart through all of this. My earthly father Matt used to work in the garden a great deal when I was a little girl. He could actually make beautiful flowers grow, a trait I unfortunately did not inherit from him. I remember quite clearly how he would break up the dirt so that the flowers would grow. In a similar way God used the Gideon situation to break my heart so my faith would grow like a beautiful flower. If nothing else comes from the entire situation with Gideon I know the roots of my faith are extremely secure and I can trust God with anything.

A beautiful verse I read recently that comes to mind- Isaiah 43:19

See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.

Birthday Flowers from Mark and Mango Candle from The Kids (Will added the Hamster picture as a decoration)