The end of another month means it's another month since we said good bye to our little Gideon. This time we hit the 3 month mark. Once again my mind goes to the desire to hold my little one again. To have those nights where Mark gets home from work and changes into his comfy clothes and holds our little one on his chest while decompressing from his day. While he holds the little one I throw together dinner-or on my better days-pull something out of a crock-pot or put a readied casserole into the oven. However, our reality is much different than what we are used to.
We still have the 3 little faces that eagerly greet daddy as he comes in. However, most of the time I've already started dinner and the house is mostly picked up because I'm not busy taking care of a small baby. Some days I immediately head out the door to get my run in before dinner-which I know if our reality was different I would only be able to handle 1 mile of running instead of the 3 miles I'm at now.
Last Friday I was having a more emotional day, but I got a much needed gift from my youngest. My little guy is a very perceptive one about the emotions of others and also happened to be tired out that day. He climbed up into my lap and moved my arms around him so I was holding him the way he wanted to be held. He then proceeded to fall asleep on me for over an hour. I can't say how much I needed that. He is definitely bigger than any 3 month old at his nearly 3 year old state, but the feeling of a sleeping one in my arms is what I needed so desperately that day.
We kept fairly busy the next few days, but Sunday was another big day for our family. I ran the Run For Little Hearts 5K. The kids also got to participate in the kids dash after the 5K. It was a great morning of getting to be with other families who have experienced the loss of little ones due to heart defects and those going through surgeries and treatments to help their little ones overcome heart problems- and also raise money to support others. Also we got to see some people who have survived heart defects. It was a very emotional experience as we knew why we were there. All heart families and survivors wore a different colored shirt so you could spot the other families around. For me the run itself was a more emotional experience than normal.
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| Mark and I in our Heart Shirts |
For starters, I began running around a month after Gideon was born. Running for me has always been a huge stress reliever and sanity saver. As a mom to little ones I need something that helps give me away time but also helps take away stress (quilting does that too but it doesn't burn as many calories.) So I started running a little at a time, 1 minute of running tempered by 2 minutes of walking-steadily I increased the running and the time and worked my way up to the 3 miles in a couple months. I tweaked a fairly popular running program called "couch to 5K" to suit my personal preferences. However, I like to call my program "bed-rest to 5K." I was doing my best to do nothing (barely walking-very little or no housework and just sitting around) prior to having Gideon and besides planning his service I did very little soon after he was born.
Running the 5K I felt the normal excitement of being at a fun run. There is an energy about running among a large group and someone shouting "go."-takes me back to my track days in elementary school. There is always the proclivity to want to take off at the beginning but I always remind myself I have a long way to go even if I feel great now. I also knew that there were hills somewhere on the course and I would need energy to tackle those. So we were off and I had my music in my ears to help move me forward. Each hill I encountered I drew on the strength I had to make it through that long labor with Gideon. I thought of my baby boy and pushed through them. At the end when I saw the finish line my training from my younger days kicked in and I reminded myself to push it just a little farther and run through the finish line-don't stop short of the line. I sprinted for about 100 yards and shaved a little time off of my total time.
Something about seeing the finish line made me well up with tears. I had met my goal but I also knew I wouldn't have been there in the first place without Gideon. It was a mixture of knowing I did a good job honoring his memory, but at the same time wishing there was not a memory to honor- but a little boy sitting in a stroller waiting to greet me at the end of my race. It was a wonderful experience and I'm so glad I got to do it. I'm so thankful for a husband that woke up at 6 am for me so we wouldn't be late.
For 3 kids who cheerfully, and not so cheerfully, participated in the days events. Will was very excited to do the kids dash in Gideon's memory as well-and he ran his hardest and received a candy medal and some ice cream at the end. Once Olivia woke up a bit she enjoyed dancing to the music played by the DJ. Luke loved the treats and being around other little kids. Overall I would say the run was a big success but also a very emotional experience.
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| Will and Me |
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| Luke running in the 3& under race |
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| Olivia and Me |
I'm so thankful for friends who invited us to participate and be a part of their team this year! I know Gideon is in good company with many other children who have gone to be with Jesus too soon due to heart problems. Every time I wear my shirt I will not only think of my Gideon but all the other families dealing with a similar heart ache. Also all those families still pushing forward with children who have a long way to go before they can participate as survivors in the race someday.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
Hebrews 12:1-3
At Gideon's memorial service the song that played as we exited the worship area was "Fix My Eyes" by King's Kaleidoscope
https://youtu.be/rbv9OD4nxVI
It seems fitting to how the last few days have felt!
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