The Lord My Peace

Gideon's tiny perfect feet!

Today marks 4 months since seeing our little Gideon. I can still hear Luke talking to my tummy, during my pregnancy, to his little brother "Giddy." I remember Will and Olivia decorating the door to my bedroom -They started decorating for Gideon's arrival back in September even though he wasn't due until February. I vividly remember Mark's happy reaction when I told him last Father's day that he was going to have another little baby to hold.

It's amazing how so much can happen in the span of one year. Last spring we were talking about the idea of trying for our fourth, and we decided to just hand the situation over to God. God wasted no time in his response, as last June we found out we were pregnant. Sitting on the other side of things is difficult, but it has grown us and our family so much.

I've learned a much deeper level of trust in God and His will. I've learned that He truly does offer a peace that surpasses all understanding. He knows how everything will play out and I can trust that he will work it together for good even if it hurts at the time.

This last weekend I went back to the same funeral home where Gideon was brought to, but this time it was to see a good friend of mine and help her say good bye to her beautiful mother. It was only God who could make me face that building again as my mind went numb as we drove the similar route we took to get there back in February. My mood and mind remained kind of hazy and foggy after that, and I knew I needed some more alone time with God. Of course God meets us where we need him most!

My devotion I turned to was referring to the different names of God in the Bible. The devotion was specifically focusing on Jehovah Shalom, The Lord My Peace. Can you imagine what story it was referencing? Gideon's story from Judges 6. I believe it was a beautiful piece of providence that I desperately needed.

"When the angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon, he said, "The Lord is with you, mighty warrior." "Pardon me, my lord,"Gideon replied, "but if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our ancestors told us about when they said, 'Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt? But now the Lord has abandoned us and given us into the hand of Midian." 

So Gideon built an alter to the Lord there and called it The Lord is Peace.

 Judges 6:12-13,24

I love how God chose Gideon even knowing he would be incredulous. It's sometimes hard to know God is with us when we are going through extreme hardship. We don't feel that mountaintop feeling that comes after a retreat or a wonderful moment. Hard times feel like trying to run through deep snow-it's cold, draining, and all you want to do is escape it and get near a fire place. God offers us that warmth if we come to Him,

The author of my devotion made a very important statement

"Peace is not a feeling or possession but a person. Jesus will invade your hopelessness and distress and reveal himself as Peace." -Nancy Guthrie

God and I have had and continue to have some late night talks. I know He can handle my questions even if I don't always get answers. He is patient with me and my finite understanding of what is going on in what seems like an upside down world. No matter what is going on I know that if I turn towards Him, He is faithful to give me the peace I need.

In the church I grew up in, our service always ended with the pastor reciting the benediction-also known in the book of Numbers as the priestly blessing. It was always reassuring to hear this said before leaving our church to go home-before going out into the world. Even reading it again today it brings a smile to my face! I can picture God's face shining on my little Gideon and I know he is in the best place!

“The Lord bless you

    and keep you;

 the Lord make his face shine on you

    and be gracious to you;

 the Lord turn his face toward you

    and give you peace.”’

Numbers 6:24-26

Heaven's Tug

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted

    and saves those who are crushed in spirit. 

-Psalm 34:18

Recently my mind has been wandering back to January and all the events leading up to Gideon's passing. I find that as weather changes or things happen to those I love-that my memories are dredged up once again. It's like a scab that's being picked over and over. I think I've healed and then something accidentally rubs against it and I'm back to square 1.

A very close friend of mine just said good bye to her mother for the last time before she sees her in Heaven. I was in the loop when all of the events of her mother's departure happened and it kind of opened up some of the doors to Gideon that I thought were shut.

Her mother went into the hospital with what appeared to be a bad reaction to chemotherapy but turned out to be a rather serious infection.

My mind drifted to that September day when we went into the level 2 ultrasound thinking everything was fine...Gideon had some minor spots on his brain but my doctor had already assured me that more than likely they would clear up. That day in September, the 30th to be exact, just happened to be the same day that 9 years ago  in 2005 that I said "yes" to a handsome guy who asked me the"big question"-"Will you marry me?" September 30, 2014 will forever be burned into my brain as the day our world began to rock. Listening numbly as the doctor listed off defect after defect that they had uncovered.

My friend shared with me, a few days after arriving at the hospital and everything appeared stable, my friend returned home to rest-but instead received a call that her mother had lost her pulse and after 20 minutes of work had been revived, things were no longer stable and she needed to return to the hospital soon.

Of course the mention of anything heart related made me remember hearing Gideon's heart beat while I was in labor. I listened intently and turned down the nurse's offer to turn down the beeping noise-I wanted to hear his little heart knowing I wouldn't have long with him. I remember being prepped just in case we needed to rush into a c section when his little heart struggled with the contractions. I remember the silence of our delivery room when he first made his quiet appearance. There were no codes to call or large groups of people rushing to work on Gideon.

Sadly my friend was also the one who had to make the final call on removing life support from her dear mother.

 I remember vividly the neonatal doctor telling us that they had given Gideon a little oxygen via a mask but he was not responding. What did we want to do?-Silence-Mark and I were speechless...there are no words when you get that question after the hopes and prayers that you will get to take this child home even if it would only be a few days. Once again I'm beyond thankful that my doctor was there and she was able to be our voice when we had none-She told them very calmly to hand Gideon to us so we could hold him. Part of my stubbornness searched Gideon for a response that the doctors may have missed-that there would be this huge grand miracle right when he entered my arms. However that's not what God chose for us. Instead we got a glimpse of a little soul before he left for Heaven.

No matter who you are parting with there is no easy way to say good bye, and there is no such thing as enough time. The minute you watch a loved one leave, a piece of your heart is automatically drawn towards heaven. You start living an intensely double life. I believed in Heaven long before Gideon, but there was no sense of urgency. There was no intense tug beyond the concept of someday, a very long time from now, getting to meet Jesus. Now I know that I will forever feel that I'm in this world but not of it. I know the ultimate rainbow is to one day be in Heaven-that there will be no more tears, illness, or death. I know the day will come when I will finally see Gideon's handsome eyes and hear his wonderful voice. Until that day I will try to press on and encourage others suffering the heart break of separation!

 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.-

 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Celebrating in the Storm

I'm a little behind in writing about the most recent celebrating we have done. I had my Birthday/Mother's day weekend last weekend. I always find it funny that my dad's birthday always falls around Father's day and mine always falls around Mother's day. When my Birthday is really close to Mother's day the weekend becomes known in our house as "The Weekend of Liz."-As in I don't do as much cooking, cleaning, or putting kids to bed...we live in a split level house so by the time it's time to put kids to bed it's always a struggle to want to climb all the stairs to their rooms!


It was interesting this time around when my Birthday began approaching my husband Mark started asking what I wanted for my Birthday. I really had no clear answers to that question- the one thing I truly wanted was more time with my Gideon-when you go through something like we have you stop thinking of material things and grasp harder at the intangible. Almost two days before my Birthday I finally figured out one thing I would love-I wanted to decorate our living room. The past four or five years I've daily thought of doing something to make it look put together. I especially thought with each bed rest, that we really should hang some curtains, but the minute bed rest was done and we had a little baby my brain would forget I'd ever thought of curtains in the first place. So I know it may sound silly but I was determined to get our living room to look a little more like adults live there.

My actual Birthday rolled around on Friday and I had a blueberry muffin and some coffee for breakfast along with many Happy Birthday wishes in real life and on Facebook. For lunch I visited my son at his school and had a picnic in his school's cafeteria-It was sweet to spend a little time with him and he gladly shared with friends and teachers that it was his mommy's birthday! After school the kids helped to make me some gluten free funfetti cupcakes and after Mark got home he took us out for some yummy Chipotle. Will didn't accept that I only wanted homemade presents from the kids so he, Olivia, and Mark did a quick present hunt at Target.-They picked a mango scented candle. Overall it was a great low key day and just what I needed this year!

Will and I at School for lunch

Saturday I got to watch Will play some basketball and make a basket! Later in the evening we had a new babysitter over to watch the kids. It's a crazy small world that she was recommended to us by a MOPS friend-but the same lady grew up with my husband's aunt in Concordia KS. She mentioned how much Olivia resembles Mark's Aunt Kristy. The kids had a great night with her and Mark and I got to go out. We went to dinner at our favorite Jose Peppers and shopped at IKEA where I found some curtains. I chose a combination of dark blue black out curtains and some more whimsical tree and bird curtains that just make my heart happy! We also found some pillow covers that go with. I know it's not a shock that I would love bird curtains-just another way Gideon is with me even on the harder days.

My Pretty Bird Curtains

Sunday was mother's day and I was able to sleep a little more while Mark got the kids ready for church. We went to church and heard a wonderful sermon on being a biblical wife. I loved how our pastor was able to help us understand more of where Paul was coming from when he wrote to Ephesus. Also how submission is an act of faith. I feel that truth more these days-it's not always easy to submit to God when I feel like I could have written Gideon's story in such a different way. When everything began I was sharing our journey with Gideon daily on caring-bridge, God had a platform to perform some big crazy miracle. In his sovereignty God chose a different path for Gideon. I have to believe that God has something bigger planned. Part of the bigger I see is that he's pulled my heart closer to Heaven!

Moments with my Gideon

This particular Mother's day I feel the tug between this world and Heaven more clearly. I still have three children and two moms (my mom and my mother in law) to celebrate the day with. However, I feel my heart pulled toward Heaven remembering Gideon. He will always be counted among my children even if we only had a short time with him. I also feel more compassion for the many mothers who have lost children whether through miscarriage, still birth, infant death, or children lost later in life. There are many women who would love to celebrate a mother's day but they have not yet become mothers or they lost their mother. The day I used to take for granted has new meaning and new heart ache as well. I'm thankful that I was able to see friends and family on the day as I felt a bit split between happiness and sadness. The reality is I continue to swing emotion wise and sometimes I can't nail down exactly what I'm feeling. However I continue on, and try to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and looking to him for my peace.

So blessed with 2 strong Christian mothers

In my daily devotion book I've been reading, the author Nancy Guthrie, explained perfectly how to make it out of grief with a faith still intact-It's about the object of your faith. If the object of my faith had been Gideon living or Gideon getting a crazy miracle then I would have felt stuck and more stunned-that's not to say I couldn't pray for those things-but faith hinged on those things is problematic. However, if the object of my faith is Jesus then I can continue to look to him regardless of the heart breaking situation. She explained we need to keep God's will as the center of our prayer...instead of asking for what we want and then in a small "PS" saying "if it's your will."  When I look to Jesus I know he can make something good come from all the heart ache. Jesus has pulled me just a little closer through it all.

The other day, as I was running errands with my two younger kids, God gave me a beautiful picture of what has been going on in my heart through all of this. My earthly father Matt used to work in the garden a great deal when I was a little girl. He could actually make beautiful flowers grow, a trait I unfortunately did not inherit from him. I remember quite clearly how he would break up the dirt so that the flowers would grow. In a similar way God used the Gideon situation to break my heart so my faith would grow like a beautiful flower. If nothing else comes from the entire situation with Gideon I know the roots of my faith are extremely secure and I can trust God with anything.

A beautiful verse I read recently that comes to mind- Isaiah 43:19

See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.

Birthday Flowers from Mark and Mango Candle from The Kids (Will added the Hamster picture as a decoration)

3 Months & 3 Miles

The end of another month means it's another month since we said good bye to our little Gideon. This time we hit the 3 month mark. Once again my mind goes to the desire to hold my little one again. To have those nights where Mark gets home from work and changes into his comfy clothes and holds our little one on his chest while decompressing from his day. While he holds the little one I throw together dinner-or on my better days-pull something out of a crock-pot or put a readied casserole into the oven. However, our reality is much different than what we are used to.

We still have the 3 little faces that eagerly greet daddy as he comes in. However, most of the time I've already started dinner and the house is mostly picked up because I'm not busy taking care of a small baby. Some days I immediately head out the door to get my run in before dinner-which I know if our reality was different I would only be able to handle 1 mile of running instead of the 3 miles I'm at now.

Last Friday I was having a more emotional day, but I got a much needed gift from my youngest. My little guy is a very perceptive one about the emotions of others and also happened to be tired out that day. He climbed up into my lap and moved my arms around him so I was holding him the way he wanted to be held. He then proceeded to fall asleep on me for over an hour. I can't say how much I needed that. He is definitely bigger than any 3 month old at his nearly 3 year old state, but the feeling of a sleeping one in my arms is what I needed so desperately that day.

We kept fairly busy the next few days, but Sunday was another big day for our family. I ran the Run For Little Hearts 5K. The kids also got to participate in the kids dash after the 5K. It was a great morning of getting to be with other families who have experienced the loss of little ones due to heart defects and those going through surgeries and treatments to help their little ones overcome heart problems- and also raise money to support others. Also we got to see some people who have survived heart defects. It was a very emotional experience as we knew why we were there. All heart families and survivors wore a different colored shirt so you could spot the other families around. For me the run itself was a more emotional experience than normal.

Mark and I in our Heart Shirts

For starters, I began running around a month after Gideon was born. Running for me has always been a huge stress reliever and sanity saver. As a mom to little ones I need something that helps give me away time but also helps take away stress (quilting does that too but it doesn't burn as many calories.) So I started running a little at a time, 1 minute of running tempered by 2 minutes of walking-steadily I increased the running and the time and worked my way up to the 3 miles in a couple months. I tweaked a fairly popular running program called "couch to 5K" to suit my personal preferences. However, I like to call my program "bed-rest to 5K." I was doing my best to do nothing (barely walking-very little or no housework and just sitting around) prior to having Gideon and besides planning his service I did very little soon after he was born.

Running the 5K I felt the normal excitement of being at a fun run. There is an energy about running among a large group and someone shouting "go."-takes me back to my track days in elementary school. There is always the proclivity to want to take off at the beginning but I always remind myself I have a long way to go even if I feel great now. I also knew that there were hills somewhere on the course and I would need energy to tackle those. So we were off and I had my music in my ears to help move me forward. Each hill I encountered I drew on the strength I had to make it through that long labor with Gideon. I thought of my baby boy and pushed through them. At the end when I saw the finish line my training from my younger days kicked in and I reminded myself to push it just a little farther and run through the finish line-don't stop short of the line. I sprinted for about 100 yards and shaved a little time off of my total time.

Something about seeing the finish line made me well up with tears. I had met my goal but I also knew I wouldn't have been there in the first place without Gideon. It was a mixture of knowing I did a good job honoring his memory, but at the same time wishing there was not a memory to honor- but a little boy sitting in a stroller waiting to greet me at the end of my race. It was a wonderful experience and I'm so glad I got to do it. I'm so thankful for a husband that woke up at 6 am for me so we wouldn't be late.

For 3 kids who cheerfully, and not so cheerfully, participated in the days events. Will was very excited to do the kids dash in Gideon's memory as well-and he ran his hardest and received a candy medal and some ice cream at the end. Once Olivia woke up a bit she enjoyed dancing to the music played by the DJ. Luke loved the treats and being around other little kids. Overall I would say the run was a big success but also a very emotional experience.

Will and Me

Luke running in the 3& under race

                

                   Olivia and Me

I'm so thankful for friends who invited us to participate and be a part of their team this year! I know Gideon is in good company with many other children who have gone to be with Jesus too soon due to heart problems. Every time I wear my shirt I will not only think of my Gideon but all the other families dealing with a similar heart ache. Also all those families still pushing forward with children who have a long way to go before they can participate as survivors in the race someday.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Hebrews 12:1-3

At Gideon's memorial service the song that played as we exited the worship area was "Fix My Eyes" by King's Kaleidoscope
https://youtu.be/rbv9OD4nxVI

It seems fitting to how the last few days have felt!

Birds

So I've had a few discouraging days the last week or so with stomach/back pain reappearing. My mind links this particular pain with my pregnancies, even though it can happen to me any time. However when I'm pregnant I feel this particular pain almost constantly. The way I would move through my days when I'm pregnant and in pain- I reminded myself of the wonderful end result of a beautiful baby. 

However, after Gideon, feeling this pain brings up memories of carrying him and feeling his kicks. Then my mind goes to the dark and not so fun places of thinking- that maybe even if we are blessed with another pregnancy we still have the extremely slight chance of experiencing another Gideon situation. It's a crazy low chance, but my mind likes to convince me that the odds are never in my favor

So my mind has been swinging between being fine and then going to all the "what ifs"-and thanks to Web MD my "what ifs" can be infinite,especially when experiencing stomach pain, I think Web MD's purpose is to drive people crazy enough that they have to see their doctors. Thankfully there is a solution to rid me of all the dark and fear trying to drown out the happy.

God tells us in 1 Peter 5:7

 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you

So I go to God in prayer and Bible study each day (I often need multiple doses of God's truth in a day) and find he can take the dark thoughts and spread his light so my mind can remember all the blessings around me. Now, am I perfectly at peace all the time? No-but I can only find my way out of the dark places by going back toward the light! Only seeing the world through God's lenses do we find that light! 

At my MOPS (Mothers Of Preschoolers) meeting we created chalkboard signs to place in our homes. We had the option of writing verses, fun sayings, menus, or turn it into a fun chalkboard for our kids to play with. I chose to write out one of my favorite verses from 

John 1:5

The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.

The dark can't understand or overcome The Light...so in the pit I can't use any other method of getting out, than digging into scripture and praying over the situation!

A wonderful result of all the prayer and devotion time is that I have begun to notice the ordinary in a new and refreshing way. The other morning I woke up with the pain and felt just down, it's not fun to start your day off with the weight of pain. So God knew I needed a little cheering up. After visiting my chiropractor, I took the kids to one of their favorite parks. While we were there playing, I was pointing out the birds- technically Robins-to Luke. One just stayed and almost looked our way and then took a few hops and looked back at us. My mind immediately thought about Gideon.

Our little boy's urn has birds on it-I felt very led to go with the one with birds on it so I could picture him flying free of all of his earthly health problems. Also on Mark and I's getaway we found a bird feeder so we can remember Gideon whenever a bird visits. I know God uses the visual of birds in many ways through out the Bible-As a sign of peace, blessing, and strength-among many others. One passage close to my heart is-

 Isaiah 40:29-31:

He gives strength to the weary,
And to him who lacks might He increases power.
Though youths grow weary and tired,
And vigorous young men stumble badly,
Yet those who wait for the Lord
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.

So we did not encounter an Eagle at the park, but God used this little robin to remind me of his presence- and that he has my little one in Heaven. I'm so thankful for all the little ways God can speak to my heart and mind. Also God called to mind that I still have 3 little birds at home who need to learn about Him and life in order that one day they may fly away from our little nest and chart their own course with God.