Joy

The Song of Mary

 And Mary said:

“My soul magnifies the Lord,

And my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior.
For He has regarded the lowly state of His maidservant;
For behold, henceforth all generations will call me blessed. For He who is mighty has done great things for me,
And holy is His name. And His mercy is on those who fear Him
From generation to generation. He has shown strength with His arm;
He has scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts. He has put down the mighty from their thrones,
And exalted the lowly. He has filled the hungry with good things,
And the rich He has sent away empty. He has helped His servant Israel,
In remembrance of His mercy, As He spoke to our fathers,
To Abraham and to his seed forever.”
Luke 1.46-55 

The Sunday before last my family and I had to privilege of reading Mary's song aloud and lighting the candle of Joy at our church service. The part-"For He who is mighty has done great things for me"-continues to ring through my mind as we travel this first advent after loosing Gideon. I have to keep my eyes on Jesus or I will get swept away with the longing for a different ending to our story of Gideon. This season I've been doing my best to recapture some of the Joy of the season both for myself and my family. It's not always easy and there have been many moments of emotions and flashbacks to last year. I'm thankful for the 3 precious children we get to continue to raise, but now and again I really struggle inwardly with the hole in our family. 

It's innocent questions at a Kindergarten party where someone assumes that I'm on my third pregnancy, but I correct them that it's my fifth. Then I see their minds trying to figure out where my 2 other children are since only Olivia and Luke are present...I relay that my oldest is actually in 2nd grade and we lost our Gideon last January..cue the awkward pause and people trying to fill the void with something but not finding the right words...I then go on to talk about Eli as I can tell they want to say something comforting but are just not prepared for such an honest conversation. I don't want to go through life not mentioning my son, Gideon was here, he was born, and now he will celebrate his first Christmas far away from us. I can still find joy that he's going to be at the greatest birthday celebration and no toy I could buy him will ever replace standing in the presence of Jesus.

Then I have the harder days when I want to cry because I'm hitting governmental brick walls. Such as last Tuesday when I went to the social security office to apply for a social security number for Gideon. We learned that since he was in fact born alive we can claim him on our taxes. However, after waiting 40 minutes in a crowded office with a 6 year old and 3 year old I was shut down in a matter of seconds. I told them the situation and the person I was speaking to was very quick to say that in those cases they don't issue numbers. I made it to the car and through almost two phone calls before I lost it. It really hits in a million unexpected ways that we are without our son. 

However, Christmas is still coming, Emmanuel will be celebrated in our house. God is with us and we can rest in Him even when we struggle. I'm thankful that He has and continues to do mighty works for us. My little girl Olivia just turned 6, the age I was when I was diagnosed with Leukemia, and at this moment she is healthy so I will be thankful for that. Every time I braid or fix her hair I'm reminded of the days I was without hair as a little 6 year old and I'm thankful that my little girl has the opportunity to do her hair in whatever princess way she chooses. My oldest shows us daily his thoughtfulness towards others, such as when we were checking out at Target with a cart full of presents for his cousins and the woman ahead of us forgot her bag. The cashier was older and was at a loss as to how to catch the woman in time and Will volunteered to get it to her and sprinted across the store to catch the woman before she left without her bag. I'm so thankful that Will really has a big heart and God is shaping him into a great boy after His heart. I'm also thankful for Luke, who continues to live up to the meaning behind his name "light." He truly is a sweet little light to me and others and can really make me laugh or melt on days I need it most. God has blessed us so much and continuing to focus on his blessings keeps me moving forward. 

My sister Kate surprised us all and sent us tickets to The Nutcracker. I was able to introduce Will and Olivia and even Mark to one of my favorite traditions growing up. My dad and I used to go together annually and it was my big daddy daughter date with him. I was slightly obsessed with the ballet and dressed up as Clara one year for Halloween and another year I went as the Sugar plumb fairy. It was fun to watch Olivia's face in the scene where the tree and all the furniture grow! It was a great time with our bigger two.

We even had the opportunity to meet our newest nephew Carter last Tuesday and get some much needed snuggles in. It was a little emotional to go back to Shawnee Mission Medical Center, but it was worth it to meet the newest little one. Also, as my husband pointed out, it was good for all of us to have some positive associations with that hospital.

Saturday we were able to go out as a family and find a stocking to hang for Gideon. We know he will not be celebrating here, but we can be reminded of him as we go about our traditions and celebrations. Most of all we can take moments to remember the grander celebration taking place in Heaven!

I continue to have physical struggles with my pregnancy but I'm managing to make it all work. We are seeing a light at the end of the tunnel as I'm now 32 weeks! I scheduled my pre-admission appointment for St Luke's South for the beginning of January. I know the weeks will go fast and slow at the same time leading up to Eli's big day, but we are ready to welcome this next blessing!

Thankful

Now when Daniel learned that the decree had been published, he went home to his upstairs room where the windows opened toward Jerusalem. Three times a day he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before.

Daniel 6:10

A couple weeks ago the Bible study I participate in was studying the life of Daniel. When Daniel was carried off into captivity he was a mere teenager but he already had a strong foundation of faith. He boldly continued to follow God even with the pressure of a foreign government and culture. He dared to ask for different food early on and showed his loyalty to God. Later in his life under the rule of a different king he was challenged by jealous associates to abandon his prayer life. However, consistently he showed who was first in his life. It challenges me to reevaluate my response to pressure. Do I continue to chase after God or do I cave into the pressure? Lately I've had the opportunity to make daily choices as to where I will turn.

My normal pregnancy contractions have started back up. I have been waiting for the shoe to drop and sure enough a couple weeks ago my body caught up with me. Each day I have at least an hour and half of contractions, but at least twice a week the contractions will continue on for 5-6 hours. It's always a balance to figure out how much I should be concerned about them. Last week I had Mark stay home because I went to bed with contractions and then woke up with contractions... I felt like there was a small chance my doctor would make me come in. Thankfully I got the best nurse to talk to when I called in, I quickly explained that I would prefer to have my doctor call in a second type of pill for me as I've started having more contractions but this is baby # 5 so we know that we are not quite at the point of going into labor and delivery. Her response helped calm any fears that she would send me right to Labor and Delivery-She calmly said "5th pregnancy? You are my favorite kind of patient, I'll pass the message onto your doctor and will call you back when she responds." So happy for a nurse that didn't immediately quiz me about how much water I've had, if I laid on my left side, if I had more than 6 contractions in an hour. My doctor did in fact call in the script but gave strict instructions that if both IB profen and Procardia do not work to stop them, then I am to go to Labor and Delivery. Thankfully so far both meds acting together have done the job, even if sometimes it takes a little longer to kick in.

Both Mark and I have been hit with varying emotions regarding the holiday season. In many ways we are very thankful for the busyness of the season which we hope will make the last trimester appear to go faster. We really enjoyed all the family time we got in over our long Thanksgiving weekend. We were able to spend Thanksgiving with Mark's extended side. Friday we got to find our Christmas tree among many frozen trees. Saturday we enjoyed decorating our tree while sipping hot chocolate, making Christmas cookies, and snuggling and watching a Christmas movie. 

However, it's our first holiday season since losing Gideon. I was not sure how hard the emotions would hit us since we didn't have him home for any holidays, but there are many little things that hit like a ton of bricks. Setting out the Christmas decorations and seeing the empty stocking holder was hard-we will soon either purchase or make a Gideon stocking. I also put up a few ornaments that were given to us to remind us of Gideon, it was fairly emotional to place them. Even certain bible verses still hit me hard.

The people who walked in darkness

Have seen a great light;

Those who dwelt in the land of the shadow of death,

Upon them a light has shined.

Isaiah 9.2

This verse still brings up a lot of emotion and really gets to my heart...last year we felt as if we were living in the shadow of death. This year feels as if we are in-between the shadow of death from last January and the light God has graciously granted us to come in February. Even without a new one to look forward to there are so many moments of light that God has brought about for us when we had Gideon and after. We are thankful for the hope of this next little one...but there will always be a missing child at each holiday gathering, a missing laugh, and some missing presents. 

I'm thankful that we have the hope of Jesus, the real reason to celebrate Christmas. This Advent season our little family will be counting down to Christmas while learning the names of Jesus. 

http://www.spelloutloud.com/names-of-jesus-advent-chain.html

Many of his wonderful names are found in just two powerful verses!

For unto us a Child is born,

Unto us a Son is given;

And the government will be upon His shoulder.

And His name will be called

Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God,

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Of the increase of His government and peace

There will be no end

Isaiah 9.6-7

We ask for continued prayers as we live with joy and anticipation of our coming little one... balanced by the physical and emotional pain from this pregnancy and the loss of our dear boy. We both remain thankful always that Christ did come to Earth and he made a way for our little boy to live forever in His presence! 

29 weeks with Gideon
November 2014

28 weeks with Eli
November 2015

God Most High

“He reached down from on high and took hold of me;    he drew me out of deep waters." 

2 Samuel 22.17

This verse is David praising God for all that God did to help him escape his enemies. Even though I haven't faced any real human enemies... my grief, pain, and contractions sometimes feel like enemies. I still need God to pull me out of those deep waters of loneliness, heartache, and pain that accompanies all three of those issues. I recognize that this time around I have not had to deal with as much pain or as many contractions as I have in the past. The only one responsible for this wonderful gift is God. I feel God helping me through this pregnancy more than any other before it. I've still had pain here and there and I've had a few episodes of contractions but nothing daily or as brutally as previous pregnancies. I'm 26 weeks, almost 27 weeks along and I have not been assigned modified bed rest yet (with my third pregnancy, Luke, I was contracting daily and on modified bed rest at 20 weeks). I was warned by my doctor to avoid getting pregnant before 6 months post-Gideon, as she thought if we got pregnant before then it would mean a harder pregnancy. I'm so thankful God has paved this road for us to experience a break in our normal.

With all of my feeling good we have allowed ourselves to take a few more risks than we normally would have. I've been able to keep the house in some semblance of order (for a nesting stay-at-home mom that really helps) and we've made a few more outings than we normally would. I felt comfortable enough to be a helper at both Will and Olivia's class parties, organized a fun friend Birthday party for Will's 8th Birthday, helped decorate a "Frozen" hallway for our church's "great giveaway" for Halloween, and volunteered to pack meals with our church, and of course do some Halloween trick or treating. Last year most of these things would never have made it onto my to-do list but it was wonderful to be a part of them this year.

Little volunteers

Will writing John 3:16 out on the boxes

Will at his Army Party

Olivia's First School Party

      

         Trick or Treating with My butterfly, Sweedish Chef, and Train Engineer

I think I needed to stay busy around Halloween as it was still bittersweet to be wearing the exact same shirt, one of my only orange maternity shirts, that I wore last year when I was pregnant with Gideon. The change being that this year instead of having our sweet Gideon dressed up and trick-or-treating I was wearing my Gideon locket. It's the little things like that, that still hit me hard. 

Last year we stayed pretty oblivious to the celebrations going on in our city when The Royals made it into the post season...something about somber news doesn't make for a celebratory mood. This year we were excited when the KC Royals won The World Series...we even felt confidant enough to take our little ones to the parade (along with 800,000+ other people). For the record my doctor cringed at the concept that we were there, especially knowing how the large crowds made traffic a nightmare...and what would have happened had my body decided to pull a "flip out" and we couldn't even get over to the closer hospital? Thankfully once again God was with us and made the day enjoyable even though I did end it in a little pain. We were blessed to get time with Mark and our kids' school was cancelled for "blue snow day." We even got to visit my husband's work.

Our Family at the Crown Center Fountains prior to the parade

I loved Mark's eagerness to introduce our not so little family to his coworkers. He'd point to me and introduce me... then pointed out Will, Olivia, and Luke... and patted my tummy and introduced our soon to be addition, Eli. After repeating this a few times with various people I felt like the cat's out of the bag on our son's name.

We started off only mentioning baby's name to close family, but like anything else with us it eventually makes its way out...we are not so good with happy secrets. I felt it was really important for our little ones to have a new name to associate with the baby in my tummy this time. It's hard for our little ones to understand that even though I'm having a boy again and it's at the same time of year, that no it will not be Gideon coming back to us. It's helped Olivia cope with our loss when we talk about all the big sister things she is going to do with Eli that she missed out on with Gideon.

It has been a blessing to come to agree on a boy name as we've struggled in the past to agree on one, but when Mark posed the name Eli this time it just clicked. I read somewhere that Eli means "God Most High." I can think of no other fitting name for this little boy. Eli is our constant reminder that our God is in charge and our God remains good even through all we've been through. God had his timing for this little boy, even when we did not think we would have another quite so soon after Gideon. God knew we needed this exact timing to help heal our hearts and trust in Him even more. I continue to pray for this little boy and take nothing for granted. I will continue to trust in the Most High as we continue this journey to February. 

Remembering With Hope

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” 

Matthew 19:14

 This verse came to mind to me this morning and I see it in a totally new light. I loved this verse as a child, especially during chemotherapy as I knew Jesus was with me and getting me through it all. As a mother this verse reminds me how much God cares for my children and I greatly look forward to the day when God pulls on their hearts to be fully committed to Him in their own lives. But now as a mother who has fully given my child to Jesus this hits me in a new way. I never pictured myself as a disciple blocking the children from spending time with Jesus. However in many ways I wanted to keep our Gideon for ourselves...my heart was not ready to let him go to Jesus... and in my own way I struggled with letting Gideon run to Jesus. I still miss him desperately and will be hit with the emotions at random moments during my day. At the same time I'm very thankful that he is with Jesus who knows him and cares for him even more than I can fathom. I picture him running to Jesus with open arms for a big hug and I know Jesus will be there to give him that hug!

Gideon with his special necklace from Maymay

Today is a special day for many mothers and fathers who are part of a club no one willingly joins. It's pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day and at 7pm many will be lighting candles for an hour to remember their special babies who reside far away in Heaven while we carry on here on Earth. I think one of the harder parts for me about that one hour concept, is that our Gideon was only technically alive for 32 minutes. Even then it was very silent and his beautiful eyes never opened. We never learned how his cries sounded...never had a chance to know what his mad, sad, hungry, dirty diaper sounds sounded like. We held him for as long as possible but that time will never be enough to last a life time. We will forever be working through how to live separated from our valiant warrior. I know God is always spot on with His timing.

Monday night I went to my BSF, Bible Study Fellowship, on the book of Revelation. The talk given that night was another great one, part of which was on how our suffering, no matter what kind, can be a way of showing others God if we suffer well. She mentioned a couple that she knows well, the husband is heading up a youth based outreach, this couple just learned that their unborn child is facing a fatal diagnosis. When she uttered those words, fatal diagnosis, my stomach felt like I'd just been punched and I could visualize us right back at last year's ultrasound. My heart hurts that anyone else has to go through what we did. She also mentioned the many times they were offered abortion as an easy escape from the burden of having to say good bye to their baby farther along in pregnancy or shortly after birth. How they made the same stand we made, that abortion was not an option, that life no matter how short was the only way. Even knowing what I know now, I'd still choose those few minutes we had with him before he was officially declared. I would still choose to have our family waiting in the wings to get time with Gideon.

Thankfully earlier that day, at 22 weeks with this next little boy, I had a regular prenatal appointment. It felt as ordinary as any appointment has, aside from my 3 year old having an all out fit over my not letting him play with the sharpie marker in the bathroom. Our baby boy is growing as expected and his heart beat was 150 beats per minute...I find it very reassuring that every appointment his heartbeat has been 150 bpm with very little variation. My doctor and I discussed my contractions and what my next step is to control them. Aside from taking it easy, I can take IB Profen if my contractions extend beyond an hour. This is pretty much the only pill we've found after 4 pregnancies that shuts my body down when contracting. The whole appointment felt routine and quick and nothing like the appointments last year.

I am thankful that I face today knowing that this next little boy has checked out well at his level 2 sonogram. That we are back to routine appointments where my biggest concern is how many contractions are too many for me. Back to planning our weekly menu around stomach pain and my need for a few nights off from cooking each week.

Last night our small group was able to hang out at our house enjoying the treat of good company and a winning KC Royals team. We had homemade crown projects for the kids and plenty of sweets to ruin everyone's diets and help grow my tummy just a little bit more. It was great to be distracted by friends when contractions kicked in, and thankfully they dropped off after only 30 minutes. It was good to be with those who have always stuck closer than a brother and sister. These friends have been with us in our darkest days and are still willing to listen to me ramble when I need to process my ever evolving feelings about Gideon and all that happened.

Celebrating the Royals with friends is especially sweet this year since
we were not in a celebratory mood last year
when the Royals made it into post season

Tonight right before we light our candle for Gideon we have Olivia's ballet watch night. This is the first time that Mark has been able to participate in watch night and I know Olivia is looking forward to it. If you spend more than a minute with Olivia you will learn how much she loves ballet and dancing in general. I know this was timed for us as well, reminding us while we all have a piece missing from our family, we still have so much to be thankful for and to celebrate. We have three beautiful children to continue to raise and lead to the Lord each day. Mark and I have each other and I know on many days we can understand each other without a spoken word. We are still working our way through it all and in my heart Gideon will remain our fourth child, third son, even with the impending arrival of another son.

Doing her natural pose for every ballet picture

When Mark and I were married my mother wrote a poem for the occasion, I credit any writing ability I have to having her as my mother. The poem was entitled "Our Journey Now Begun" and this has remained a fitting metaphor for our lives. In many ways we would not have taken certain turns, but in each step of our lives we have walked together. We didn't expect the bends but they were never a surprise to our big God. I know God gave Mark and I to each other for all the unexpected twists and turns, I know there is no one else who could calm me with a single hug, I always tell him he gives the best hugs. No one else could read my silent thoughts through a phone line, such as when I was surprised to find out we were pregnant with Will and I tried to conceal it from Mark on a work break phone call he made to me while working at UPS-Mark figured out that I must have taken a pregnancy test and it was actually positive-he showed up at our married student housing apartment after work with a rose and sparkling grape juice to celebrate. We know God continues to write our story and we know it's far from over! I'm thankful for the hope he continues to place in our lives right now, but most of all for the hope of Heaven!

Looking Up

I lift up my eyes to you,
    to you who sit enthroned in Heaven.
Psalm 123:1

The last few days have been full of memories and emotions as the days drew nearer to the ultrasound for this one, the 29th and the anniversary of Gideon's ultrasound, 30th that began our hard journey. Last year we were completely blind sided by the news that our little one was not well. The symptoms started getting listed off- clenched fists, kidneys in a horseshoe shape, abnormalities with the heart, strawberry shaped head, cysts on the brain, low weight-probably due to a poor sucking reflex. I remember so much of it like it was yesterday. So walking into the appointment yesterday took a great deal of courage and I'll admit there were many emotional breakdowns over the weekend leading up to it.

I attempted to keep myself busy, but sometimes the busy can remind me of last year as well. We had done the ultrasound, amniocentesis, and received the initial results before the first weekend in October. That weekend my Mother in law had a fun run at the zoo and offered to treat us to an afternoon at the zoo after her run was over and we were out of church, since it took place on a Sunday that year. So we distracted ourselves for a short period of time by watching our children enjoy all the animals. This year the run occurred a week earlier and on a Saturday so we were invited to join the family at the zoo once again. It was wonderful to distract myself and watch the kids enjoy the animals, but parts of the day reminded me of all the emotions last year.

On Monday night I was able to attend my BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) study on Revelation. Part of me knows that had I not undergone everything with Gideon I may not have been as excited to dive into this book of the Bible. It was wonderful to spend time in the word and talking about it with like minded women. The theme of the study is keeping our focus on the centrality of God and how He wins the day. If we keep our eyes on Jesus we can have patient faithfulness and persevere whatever is thrown our way. The message of hope was perfect the night before the big scan, I felt God whispering that all is well no matter what shows up!

Mark met me at Children's Mercy for our appointment on Tuesday and we were able to walk into the scan room together. The tech was extremely thorough and spent a great deal of time going through all of the problem spots we looked at with Gideon. First off we looked at our little one to try to spot gender but someone was being a little stubborn so we went to his hands. My heart leapt with joy when she pointed out that his hands were opened, showing that we could cross clenched fists off our concerns. Then we were able to spot that we were definitely having a boy!!! We also looked at his kidneys which were not horseshoe and his head was regularly shaped and clear of any cysts. We spent quite a bit of time trying to get some good heart views, once we did, all looked regularly shaped and blood was flowing like it should instead of mixing and staying stagnant. Most of all Mark and I noticed little boy was measuring around a week ahead of schedule. Also the tech pointed out that baby boy was trying to suck on his umbilical cord, so no worries on his sucking reflex.

It was amazing to share with the nurse that was there with us last year how relieved we felt after seeing all the positive signs. She was excited for us and the fact that this little boy is due only one day after his big brother Gideon's due date. What a difference it feels to walk out of that office smiling, joking, and even laughing. I recalled something said at the Bible study from the night before, how much we will enjoy a renewed Eden coming someday even more, knowing all the hardship that took place from sin that took place in the original Eden. I know everything with this pregnancy is a bit sweeter knowing all the heartache we experienced with Gideon. Even for all the sadness we had with Gideon I would still choose him all over again. I'm so thankful God gave us those 18 weeks between his diagnosis and his birth to enjoy the minutes and hours Gideon remained with us. I love showing the victory we had in even getting those 18 weeks with Gideon, my doctor had never experienced a baby diagnosed with Trisomy 18 making it to 38 weeks. I'm thankful that these next weeks will be different with this one, but in many important ways we have changed how we view this little one. We are grateful for the days we have with him and our focus will remain on our baby and not on all the things we used to think were so important in getting ready for birth.

We still face my typical challenges of pain and contractions, so prayers are still needed that little guy can stay put until it's time for him to be born. I will need to continue to look to God daily and surrender all the plans I may have in order to do what is best for baby and our family. Forcing myself to slow down and not overdo it on housework or unnecessary activities. Thank you to all who have and continue to keep us in prayer! We will continue to look upwards and know that God alone has his timing and He alone knows how our story will be written. Looking forward to a very different February

Making Room For Fun

I think the day the calendar changed to the month of September I felt a cloud hanging over me a little bit. My mind continually flashes back to the contrast between this September and the last one. At the beginning of last September we thought everything was pretty normal. I'd had some pain and a few sessions of contractions. I was starting to plan in my mind how I would work more sitting around into my schedule in order to ward off contractions. I had no idea what was heading our way and in my little world I had a plan and a way to somewhat control the outcome of my pregnancy. Oh how September 30, 2014 changed our world forever.

At that level 2 ultrasound that seemed to last forever, I remember us chalking it up to our child being stubborn just like his older siblings. But those serious faces and tissues came out and we knew all was not right in our world. I can still remember the doctor listing off the first few things that popped up on the ultrasound that concerned them. Then him asking us if we were familiar with a condition called Edwards Syndrome or Trisomy 18? I remember just feeling like rewinding the appointment and starting over. I wanted desperately for them to go back through the whole appointment and for them to figure out they'd made a horrible mistake. I remember crying into my Chipotle burrito bowl and not really eating much of it.

We got the call from the same office just a week or so ago and we scheduled our level 2 for this little one. This time our ultrasound is scheduled for the 29th of September, eerily close to the 30th. I know dates mean nothing to God and He knows what will be found out. This time we go into our appointment hopeful but no longer feeling totally in control of the outcome. I pray for this child as I did for all of mine. It was not a lack of prayer, faith, or belief that took our Gideon from us. I still feel that tug toward Heaven when these dates approach. I still don't have all the answers by any means, but I know that more of my heart is in Heaven and waiting more expectantly for the day when I get to return to my true home. All of these feelings of missing Gideon and being led forward with this little one has put me in a weird mood.

I had been looking forward to the weekend my parents were to come for my cousin's wedding for a bit, but all of a sudden I started giving into all my fears. What if I do too much and am up all night in pain? What if I'm on my feet too much at the wedding and send myself into non stop contractions-I've sent myself to the hospital overnight by just giving kids a bath in the past. What if I have too much pain or am in the hospital with contractions and can't go to the circus (we received free tickets from Mark's coworker for that Sunday evening)? I finally broke down at one point and told Mark "I just don't want to do anything fun this weekend, I just want to get in my comfy clothes and lay in bed all weekend! Can't anyone understand that I'm not in the mood for fun?" To which my wise husband responded "Did you ever think maybe you need a little fun? You know your parents (and whole family) is great about bringing the fun!" I hate it when he's right but I did need a big dose of fun to pull me out of my funk!

My family's fun train pulled in around 9:30pm on Thursday night and they brought the fun! My parents and brother Daniel and sister Maya stayed with us at our house so we were literally making room for the fun. They surprised the kids in the morning by greeting them as they groggily walked down the stairs, ate breakfast with them, and then walked them to school (and this mommy got to sit in a completely quiet house while they walked to school-it was bliss). They also surprised Will by showing up for lunch on Friday. Later in the day we all spent the beautiful afternoon playing out front with kites and Daniel helped Will with his basketball skills (while I sat watching from a lawn chair)! That night while my parents were off at the rehearsal dinner, the kids watched a movie with Maya and Daniel and ate some puppy chow.

Maymay and Will

PawPaw and Will

                                 

Flying Kites with Maymay

Saturday morning we ended up going to the park and then came home and got ready for the wedding. We attended the wedding, and thankfully the kids did not disrupt the ceremony upon threat that they would not get any chocolate at the reception if they did. Then after some pictures we went to the reception where the kids enjoyed a children's buffet of chicken fingers and fries and of course some "Aunt Cake" chocolates-My sister Kate Weiser is an awesome chocolatier and she brought over 650 bonbons to the wedding-along with a secret stash she kept at the table we were sitting at! Olivia took a bit to warm up to dancing, but at one point she found her confidence and we had to practically drag her off the dance floor when we finally left around 10:30pm.

All 3 ready to go to the wedding!

They did a great job entertaining themselves prior to the ceremony

A few Kate Weiser Chocolates!

The next day we saw off my family and headed off to church. Then around 3:30pm we headed off for the circus. To say our kids were ready for bed by the time we got home around 8pm on Sunday is an understatement! We all had a great weekend that we will not soon forget!

Everyone on the edge of their seats!

Luke loved the " L-phants"

Olivia got to play circus dress up!

Will got to sit on one of the motorcycles that was used later on in the show

I'd say the more amazing part was that I did not contract more than a few hours at night on Friday. I also did not contract much the rest of the weekend and my doctor agreed with me on Monday that it was pretty huge for me to not be contracting when I showed up to my appointment. At my appointment this little one had another great strong heartbeat and I got some meds to help with pain when it wakes me up at night. I'm still not out of the woods completely as I've had more contractions, pain, and pre-seizure auras since that weekend. However, I know God paved the way for us to have a fun weekend to break up the monotony of counting down the weeks of pregnancy we have left. I have to laugh at how much I fought the concept of having fun. I can hear God saying something my parents used to say, more like yelled it which makes it even funnier, to my sister and I when we were grumpy on vacation..."Come on just have some fun!"...still don't know why I drag my feet sometimes, but I'm glad I have people in my life who can wake me up to all I could miss out on!

Please keep praying for us as we approach September 29th and especially September 30th and the beginning of October as that's when everything started showing up last year! Praying I can hold onto the joy I experienced over the weekend and remember that God does not desire me to remain in the pit or in fear...He loves me and protects me and he offers that same promise to all who trust in Him!

This verse is one that was shared during a bible study I did on Gideon a few years ago! It just seems so fitting and a great reminder that God cares and wants us to have joy!

The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves.

He will take great delight in you;   

in his love he will no longer rebuke you,   

but will rejoice over you with singing.”

Zephaniah 3:17

18 weeks down
The Same dress I wore at Gideon's service
Looking a little different with a baby bump

7 months

He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
 but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:29-31

Another 31st has come around and I can't help but reflect on the passing of another month. I live with a conflicted heart about the passing of time. I want time to pass quickly so I can move past the physical pain from my pregnancy, and get to meet our next little one. Yet at the same time I don't want to be taken further away from our short time with Gideon. I know I'm not alone in the struggle with time as many moms long for time to stand still a little longer as they watch their children grow all too fast before their eyes. I still remember the births of each of my children and the various things my doctor or nurses remarked about them. Both Will and Luke received comments on the sheer volume of their hair, especially Luke who could pull off all kinds of crazy hair styles right after birth. While Olivia, received comments about her adorable chubby cheeks. 

Luke around 2 months old

Will at 1 year

Olivia only hours old

Of course Gideon's birth was a little quieter but their were sweet looks and mentions of his perfect little feet and about how incredibly adorable he was. He looked at peace from the moment he entered our arms until he went to be with Jesus. I think my biggest fear going into delivery was the idea of having to watch him struggle. However by the grace of God there was never a struggle and in some ways I'm thankful for that. There were only sweet moments of holding our little boy and soaking in all that we could.

I can say seven months out that my and Mark's grief looks different than it did initially, but it's still there. There are moments when a song comes on the radio or a sermon at our church hits a nerve and we feel it all over again. It can sneak up on us in the strangest places...the other day I had a hard study session with our kindergartner who refused to write a single number between 1 and 5. She knows her numbers orally but we are still working on the writing aspect. I had a moment of total over reaction and it was for more than her stubbornness, but more for the fact that I felt I had failed her...maybe she inherited my hatred of all things related to math...that I am a bad mom for not making her write numbers endlessly all summer....the idea that she's going to fail Kindergarten after only 10 days of school (I know I was just that far gone emotionally-and in reality after a few days of daily practice she's writing 1-5 just fine but check in with me next week and my husband and I may be convincing her again that "Elsa from Frozen knows how to write her numbers")...but all that over reaction finally landed at the source....did I not do enough for my Gideon? If I failed her then surely I failed to do more for Gideon to possibly extend his life beyond mere minutes. I know every time I go down that rabbit trail my husband, who is more on the realistic side of life, grounds me by reminding me that we couldn't have done more. Gideon was not breathing and what would it have given us to be more aggressive? A few hours of life where I wouldn't see or hold him in the NICU? These rabbit trails happen at the strangest times and are very hard to get out of.

For me another trigger is my pregnancy pain...it triggers vivid memories of all the times I bargained with God that I'd stay in pain for much longer if it meant Gideon would remain safe. This pregnancy is very similar to all my pregnancies...first comes the quick positive test and the happy dance of being pregnant...then in a few weeks comes the "I thought I wanted to eat that tonight but the smell is driving me nuts right now" (So my normal organization of weekly meal planning goes to planning a few days at a time)...then comes the pain (Yes I've tried almost every concept under the sun to fix this issue from rest, water, staying out of heat, lying on my left side (the magical side to lay on), Tylenol, Pilates, chiropractics, maternity belts, etc.)...next come contractions (My way too realistic braxton hicks that typically increase consistently in intensity and time until they drop off around hour 5-I refuse to even call the doctor until I'm going longer than 5 hours) Right now I'm emotionally trying to handle the fact that this pregnancy feels like it did with Gideon, but no shoe has dropped yet.

I thought once we had the blood test that it would be smooth sailing for me emotionally. However I think between the pain cutting my sleep short and the fact that pain at any level for days on end is hard, my mind gravitates and pulls me to the not so fun thoughts. I think I'm still waiting to feel confident that nothing will go wrong, but once your world has been rocked you don't quite feel that confidence as much. I am confident in the truths of the Bible and that God is for us. However, I'm also very much aware of how little control I have in this life. I'm aware that at any point, at any scan, or test something could happen or something could be detected.

Once again it's a daily choice to live in faith or fear...it really all boils down to that. The only hope I have to survive the day is to intentionally wake up before the kids, so hard to do as someone who'd rather sleep in, and get some time in God's word and talk to him before life happens. It's in those early minutes that I'm standing on God's truth that I know I'm not alone in this life. God is with me and walking beside me as I go, and when the scary thoughts come I can turn to him and talk. Even if it is to cry that I still don't understand-I only see a part of it all but he knows the whole story.

Just this last Sunday we sang a song at church that still gets to me every time I hear it! If you are going through a hard time or just need to be reminded of some basic truth I suggest you check it out!

Still by Hillsong

https://youtu.be/O6Fw8DgvTQA