Joy

The Song of Mary

 And Mary said:

“My soul magnifies the Lord,

And my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior.
For He has regarded the lowly state of His maidservant;
For behold, henceforth all generations will call me blessed. For He who is mighty has done great things for me,
And holy is His name. And His mercy is on those who fear Him
From generation to generation. He has shown strength with His arm;
He has scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts. He has put down the mighty from their thrones,
And exalted the lowly. He has filled the hungry with good things,
And the rich He has sent away empty. He has helped His servant Israel,
In remembrance of His mercy, As He spoke to our fathers,
To Abraham and to his seed forever.”
Luke 1.46-55 

The Sunday before last my family and I had to privilege of reading Mary's song aloud and lighting the candle of Joy at our church service. The part-"For He who is mighty has done great things for me"-continues to ring through my mind as we travel this first advent after loosing Gideon. I have to keep my eyes on Jesus or I will get swept away with the longing for a different ending to our story of Gideon. This season I've been doing my best to recapture some of the Joy of the season both for myself and my family. It's not always easy and there have been many moments of emotions and flashbacks to last year. I'm thankful for the 3 precious children we get to continue to raise, but now and again I really struggle inwardly with the hole in our family. 

It's innocent questions at a Kindergarten party where someone assumes that I'm on my third pregnancy, but I correct them that it's my fifth. Then I see their minds trying to figure out where my 2 other children are since only Olivia and Luke are present...I relay that my oldest is actually in 2nd grade and we lost our Gideon last January..cue the awkward pause and people trying to fill the void with something but not finding the right words...I then go on to talk about Eli as I can tell they want to say something comforting but are just not prepared for such an honest conversation. I don't want to go through life not mentioning my son, Gideon was here, he was born, and now he will celebrate his first Christmas far away from us. I can still find joy that he's going to be at the greatest birthday celebration and no toy I could buy him will ever replace standing in the presence of Jesus.

Then I have the harder days when I want to cry because I'm hitting governmental brick walls. Such as last Tuesday when I went to the social security office to apply for a social security number for Gideon. We learned that since he was in fact born alive we can claim him on our taxes. However, after waiting 40 minutes in a crowded office with a 6 year old and 3 year old I was shut down in a matter of seconds. I told them the situation and the person I was speaking to was very quick to say that in those cases they don't issue numbers. I made it to the car and through almost two phone calls before I lost it. It really hits in a million unexpected ways that we are without our son. 

However, Christmas is still coming, Emmanuel will be celebrated in our house. God is with us and we can rest in Him even when we struggle. I'm thankful that He has and continues to do mighty works for us. My little girl Olivia just turned 6, the age I was when I was diagnosed with Leukemia, and at this moment she is healthy so I will be thankful for that. Every time I braid or fix her hair I'm reminded of the days I was without hair as a little 6 year old and I'm thankful that my little girl has the opportunity to do her hair in whatever princess way she chooses. My oldest shows us daily his thoughtfulness towards others, such as when we were checking out at Target with a cart full of presents for his cousins and the woman ahead of us forgot her bag. The cashier was older and was at a loss as to how to catch the woman in time and Will volunteered to get it to her and sprinted across the store to catch the woman before she left without her bag. I'm so thankful that Will really has a big heart and God is shaping him into a great boy after His heart. I'm also thankful for Luke, who continues to live up to the meaning behind his name "light." He truly is a sweet little light to me and others and can really make me laugh or melt on days I need it most. God has blessed us so much and continuing to focus on his blessings keeps me moving forward. 

My sister Kate surprised us all and sent us tickets to The Nutcracker. I was able to introduce Will and Olivia and even Mark to one of my favorite traditions growing up. My dad and I used to go together annually and it was my big daddy daughter date with him. I was slightly obsessed with the ballet and dressed up as Clara one year for Halloween and another year I went as the Sugar plumb fairy. It was fun to watch Olivia's face in the scene where the tree and all the furniture grow! It was a great time with our bigger two.

We even had the opportunity to meet our newest nephew Carter last Tuesday and get some much needed snuggles in. It was a little emotional to go back to Shawnee Mission Medical Center, but it was worth it to meet the newest little one. Also, as my husband pointed out, it was good for all of us to have some positive associations with that hospital.

Saturday we were able to go out as a family and find a stocking to hang for Gideon. We know he will not be celebrating here, but we can be reminded of him as we go about our traditions and celebrations. Most of all we can take moments to remember the grander celebration taking place in Heaven!

I continue to have physical struggles with my pregnancy but I'm managing to make it all work. We are seeing a light at the end of the tunnel as I'm now 32 weeks! I scheduled my pre-admission appointment for St Luke's South for the beginning of January. I know the weeks will go fast and slow at the same time leading up to Eli's big day, but we are ready to welcome this next blessing!