Looking Up

I lift up my eyes to you,
    to you who sit enthroned in Heaven.
Psalm 123:1

The last few days have been full of memories and emotions as the days drew nearer to the ultrasound for this one, the 29th and the anniversary of Gideon's ultrasound, 30th that began our hard journey. Last year we were completely blind sided by the news that our little one was not well. The symptoms started getting listed off- clenched fists, kidneys in a horseshoe shape, abnormalities with the heart, strawberry shaped head, cysts on the brain, low weight-probably due to a poor sucking reflex. I remember so much of it like it was yesterday. So walking into the appointment yesterday took a great deal of courage and I'll admit there were many emotional breakdowns over the weekend leading up to it.

I attempted to keep myself busy, but sometimes the busy can remind me of last year as well. We had done the ultrasound, amniocentesis, and received the initial results before the first weekend in October. That weekend my Mother in law had a fun run at the zoo and offered to treat us to an afternoon at the zoo after her run was over and we were out of church, since it took place on a Sunday that year. So we distracted ourselves for a short period of time by watching our children enjoy all the animals. This year the run occurred a week earlier and on a Saturday so we were invited to join the family at the zoo once again. It was wonderful to distract myself and watch the kids enjoy the animals, but parts of the day reminded me of all the emotions last year.

On Monday night I was able to attend my BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) study on Revelation. Part of me knows that had I not undergone everything with Gideon I may not have been as excited to dive into this book of the Bible. It was wonderful to spend time in the word and talking about it with like minded women. The theme of the study is keeping our focus on the centrality of God and how He wins the day. If we keep our eyes on Jesus we can have patient faithfulness and persevere whatever is thrown our way. The message of hope was perfect the night before the big scan, I felt God whispering that all is well no matter what shows up!

Mark met me at Children's Mercy for our appointment on Tuesday and we were able to walk into the scan room together. The tech was extremely thorough and spent a great deal of time going through all of the problem spots we looked at with Gideon. First off we looked at our little one to try to spot gender but someone was being a little stubborn so we went to his hands. My heart leapt with joy when she pointed out that his hands were opened, showing that we could cross clenched fists off our concerns. Then we were able to spot that we were definitely having a boy!!! We also looked at his kidneys which were not horseshoe and his head was regularly shaped and clear of any cysts. We spent quite a bit of time trying to get some good heart views, once we did, all looked regularly shaped and blood was flowing like it should instead of mixing and staying stagnant. Most of all Mark and I noticed little boy was measuring around a week ahead of schedule. Also the tech pointed out that baby boy was trying to suck on his umbilical cord, so no worries on his sucking reflex.

It was amazing to share with the nurse that was there with us last year how relieved we felt after seeing all the positive signs. She was excited for us and the fact that this little boy is due only one day after his big brother Gideon's due date. What a difference it feels to walk out of that office smiling, joking, and even laughing. I recalled something said at the Bible study from the night before, how much we will enjoy a renewed Eden coming someday even more, knowing all the hardship that took place from sin that took place in the original Eden. I know everything with this pregnancy is a bit sweeter knowing all the heartache we experienced with Gideon. Even for all the sadness we had with Gideon I would still choose him all over again. I'm so thankful God gave us those 18 weeks between his diagnosis and his birth to enjoy the minutes and hours Gideon remained with us. I love showing the victory we had in even getting those 18 weeks with Gideon, my doctor had never experienced a baby diagnosed with Trisomy 18 making it to 38 weeks. I'm thankful that these next weeks will be different with this one, but in many important ways we have changed how we view this little one. We are grateful for the days we have with him and our focus will remain on our baby and not on all the things we used to think were so important in getting ready for birth.

We still face my typical challenges of pain and contractions, so prayers are still needed that little guy can stay put until it's time for him to be born. I will need to continue to look to God daily and surrender all the plans I may have in order to do what is best for baby and our family. Forcing myself to slow down and not overdo it on housework or unnecessary activities. Thank you to all who have and continue to keep us in prayer! We will continue to look upwards and know that God alone has his timing and He alone knows how our story will be written. Looking forward to a very different February