Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
Psalm 90:14
I am one of those women who has no trouble getting pregnant, but it's always a rough ride for 9 months. I kicked this pregnancy off, like all of my others, with some pre-seizure auras. The best way I can describe them is that the world around me appears to be going in slow motion, my heart rate goes up, my stomach turns, I sometimes smell "hospital smells" like disinfectant, I feel as if I'm experiencing deja vu, and I hear people talking as if they are far away even if they are right next to me. Let me tell you it's a blast for me and those around me. I was told by a college professor that I get a far away look and go extremely pale as well. These episodes are my body's warning to run for a bed and sleep, or things are going to turn bad quickly. Thankfully I've learned how to read my body in the last 14 years and know when danger is headed my way.
Thankfully my worst pregnancy symptom has yet to rear it's ugly head for now and I'm extremely grateful!!! However, I'm waiting for the shoe to drop, as I can sense my doctor and husband are as well. Generally at some point in my pregnancy I get a ridiculous amount of pain in my lower stomach. It makes me want to curl up into a ball and lie on my side all day. So far I have not gotten it in full force. Although there have been small glimpses of it, especially after my first prenatal appointment. This pain along with all my preterm contractions, is why my doctor usually sticks me on partial or modified bed rest at some point. My doctor almost laughed out loud when I referred to my making all of Mark's favorite meals now, so that if I go on bed rest and he has the fend for himself and the whole family he will have had some of his favorites. My doctor said to Mark "I love how she keeps saying "if", it's not an "if" (regarding bed rest) it's a "when." A girl can hope, but she's known me for all my pregnancies so it will be a miracle if I'm able to stay off any sort of bed rest.
Even with these two big bummers, and the normal first trimester symptoms, I'm still so happy to be carrying this new life! I know these issues are also markers that baby is growing and that turns them into comforts. Every now and again I get worried about a new ache or pain that I don't remember from a previous pregnancy and I find myself worrying and searching Web MD. I had myself convinced before my first appointment that I had an ectopic pregnancy or that there wouldn't be a heart beat. I got to see baby so I know for certain that my misgivings about the ectopic pregnancy have been ruled out. However the heart is another matter all together.
I've heard stories of thinking everything was fine in a pregnancy and then all of a sudden there wasn't a heart beat. Or in our case we thought everything was great with Gideon and then anomalies were picked up on a level 2 ultrasound. Part of me leans toward fear when I linger too much on all the what ifs. Even listening to this little one's heart beat at our ultrasound at 6 weeks, I was listening to see if I could pick up anything wrong with the rhythm or if it was strong enough (as if I would know what to listen for). These things rotate through my thoughts at odd times. My doctor was going over what to expect with upcoming visits and she mentioned that next time she will see if she can catch baby's heart beat on the dopplar. Part of me is hopeful and part of me is scared that she won't catch it. Whenever anyone talks about baby hearts or heart beats, I almost feel my stomach drop as if I'm reliving all the talks about Gideon's heart with the doctors.
I have a very special heart that stays in my room that is weighted with Gideon's birth weight of only 3 lbs 12 oz. I can pick it up and hold it on the hard days when I just ache to feel in him in my arms again. It's been so helpful in the healing process, but especially lately with all my concerns about this new little one. I think one of my fears is that the memories of Gideon will be edged out as we accept this new life into our hearts. Daily I'm trying to keep my mind away from the fears and draw myself back into the peace that God offers.
While driving my car load of 3 kids one afternoon, a song came on the radio that really spoke to me. It talked about God being the anchor to our hope. Only when I allow God to be my anchor, can I attempt the huge road ahead of us no matter what happens. The heart of it all is that God's in control and I can rest in that! No amount of worry on my part is going to change the future, trust me it's easier said than done! I will keep praying for this little one and I hope one day the fear battle will get a little easier. Thank you all for your prayers, encouragement, and support as we start this journey with another precious little one!
Cast My Cares by Finding Favour
No comments:
Post a Comment