Rediscovering Abundant Life

"The Thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy; 

I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly."

John 10:10

Today was my second check up for our new little one. The last couple weeks have been challenging for me emotionally speaking. I had myself convinced that something terrible had happened and that we wouldn't get to hear baby's heartbeat and I'll be all alone crying. These were how my dreams played out while I slept fitfully every night for the last few weeks. Of course some of my dreams had weird dreamy aspects but they all played out in the end with the feeling of abandonment, or my desperately searching for something that was lost or about to be lost. I think some of it must have been spiritual warfare because of my mood for the last 2 weeks was off but I couldn't pin down an actual cause to my feelings. I know when I get too wrapped up in the worry I forget God's goodness. I forget how much God has pulled us through and I underestimate how much God could still pull us through.

A couple weeks ago my daughter Olivia was casually playing outside with her younger brother Luke. Olivia and Luke were pushing strollers with dolls in them and they mentioned that they were practicing for baby. Then she said "I really hope we get to take this baby home." I simply replied I hope so too.

I have not been imagining too far out into the future at this point. I have been living from appointment to appointment and not looking too far ahead for fear that I would raise my hopes too high, that I would get high expectations that could come crashing down.  I see myself rationing out my joy, I only allow myself so much happy or so much planning at a time until I reach that 20 week mark-the place where we found out all that was wrong with Gideon-the place where I feel I will breath a bit more in this pregnancy.

Today's check up was both good and scary. I have had many nightmares of the baby having no heart beat at this appointment. I got to my appointment and the waiting room was eerily empty. I got taken back much sooner than normal. My doctor walked in with the dopplar and set to work trying to track the baby down. My worse nightmare seemed to be coming true in those very quiet minutes. We couldn't pick up a heartbeat on the dopplar. She saw the all too familiar look on my face of pure fear. She assured me that it was probably just an issue of not being far enough along and sent me to get an ultrasound. I was alone on this appointment so I quickly texted the situation to Mark and told him I'd update him after the ultrasound. Thankfully the tech was able to track down baby and a very strong heart beat of 165. My heart and mind settled as I watched our little one wiggling around and even moving his or her arms around.

Something about seeing the baby moving around this time made it all a bit more real, a bit more reassuring. I was reminded that I need to bring back the joy once again and live freely as God would want his daughter to live. Just yesterday I let the kids and I imagine a little about baby. It felt surprisingly good to allow the ideas of the possible future float around and drown out the fear. The kids talked about places we could take the baby on walks and who wanted to push baby in a stroller.

Little by little I feel some dark clouds roll away and I can see the sun a bit more! I struggle with the worry and concern because I already love this baby so much. However I want to take the advice Paul gives to the Philippians!

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-If anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things."

Philippians 4:8

I can do away with fears of the future by focusing on the truth that God loves me. That he is for me and not against me. God has placed my husband in my life to keep my mind grounded when I start to drift to all the what ifs. God has placed many friends and family that are joining us in praying for this baby and our family. God is good all the time!

Will threw Mark and I a "Happy Party" to try to cheer me up last week

Luke came up to me holding a baby doll and said "I a daddy"