Joy and Sorrow

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

The month of July seems to be a month full of happy and sad anniversaries in our families. It was a month that my parents (July 12th 1980) and sister in law and brother in law (July 8 2006) were married in. The month that my mother (July 15th), sister Maya (July 14th), and sister Faith (July 25) were born in. It's also the month that I was declared cancer free-put into remission (July 26th 1990) even though I would still go on to do a total of 3 years of chemo. July is also a month full of not so happy memories.

July 3rd 1990 was one of those days that is burned into both my and my parents memory as it was the day I received my diagnosis of Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. I'm not sure back on that day that my parents were given much hope that 25 years later I'd still be alive, even married with children of my own. The time period between the 3rd and the 26th must of felt like a life time as we tried to take it all a day at a time amidst blood draws, spinal taps, bone marrow biopsies, and nasty IV chemo.

July 12th 1999 was another day that will always be remembered in my family as the day that my baby sister Faith passed away. I know you will notice the overlap in dates of my parent's anniversary and her death. She was also 2 weeks shy of her first Birthday and we ended up throwing a birthday party for her before she left us for Heaven. However her memory was one of the things that helped me get through the many appointments concerning Gideon and his heart with the Children's Mercy doctors.

It's amazing to me how so much joy and sorrow can often coexist. I'm trying to remember this right now as we are still in the first trimester of this new pregnancy. There are days where I'm afraid I started this pregnancy too soon and something bad is going to happen between visits. I also still get sad at how it seems so long ago since Gideon passed, but in reality it wasn't even 6 months ago.

Also my pain has started back up once again. This time I was just shy of 8 weeks when it kicked in-part of me hopes that means we are having a girl since it started super early with my pregnancy with Olivia as well! Another part of me is sad that I'm already counting down the weeks I will remain in pain-approxiamatley 32 more to go. Right now the pain is only annoying/nagging so it doesn't seem as daunting if the pain remains at this level. However I know my body and as baby grows, so will the pain.

Once the pain kicked in I began having flashbacks to my visit with the my OB last September, the same day we had the heartbreaking level 2 scan with Gideon. I remember saying over and over in her office in between tears..."I promise I won't complain about the pain as long as I get to hold my baby!" I want to enjoy this pregnancy that has so far been fairly normal. I want to remember how blessed we are that we got pregnant in the first place. How God timed this for us to bring about healing for us and our family. How we see God completing our family. Mark and I shared the same vision of one day having 4-5 children, a house full of laughter, and down the road large family gatherings of multiple generations. So I'm trying to look at the pain through God's eyes as a reminder that baby is growing, since I know for me that is what causes the pain, and soak in the normalcy for however long that holds.

I know this world is not perfect and our bodies are not perfect on Earth. Maybe if I were not in pain I would not have the longing to reach out to God half as much as I do. I feel my need for him in a desperate way when I wake up in the morning in pain. I feel my strong need for him when pregnancy has drained the little energy I had in the first place, and I have 3 children to be present for. I feel my need for him when I have zero appetite, but I know if I don't eat I'm destined for seizures. He is walking by my side daily and he will carry me through yet again. This 32 week walk is much longer than the 23 days we waited for the word remission to be uttered from the doctors lips in 1990. At the same time it is a much shorter time than the three years of chemo I walked through as a small child.

Our next appointment is on July 21st and I'm praying for happy news and a strong heart beat that can be heard on the dopplar. That week is also full of  good plans for our family. On the 23rd we send our eldest off on his first ever overnight church camp trip. That same day is the school registration to get my two big kids, especially Olivia entering Kindergarten, ready for the next school year. And the next day I head off for a MOPS leadership retreat.

Of course as I was typing this post I got a call that kind of took me off guard. We had planned to run a blood panel that predicts potential genetic issues and chat with the doctors at the fetal health center at Children's Mercy Hospital as part of my care this time around. This is the same group that we dealt with concerning all of Gideon's health issues. It took me by surprise even though we planned it all with my regular doctor and my doctor's office was planning to touch base with fetal health on our behalf. When the call happened and even as I was chatting back and forth with a familiar voice, the fear crept in. The idea of going back to that same office in some ways makes me feel a little uneasy. So many hard talks and tears happened there. I'm praying come July 28th everything will be more positive and we will walk out of that office smiling. Also, that as we wait for results from that test, I can maintain my peace.

I know I can keep hope alive as long as my hope is set on what it always should be set on- God. There is no way to predict the future and the devil would love nothing more for me to be stuck thinking and dwelling on every fear I have. However God wants abundant life for me and my family even amidst pain. So I have to reset my focus daily and not let my focus stray to how something could go wrong... or my longing for a painless "normal" pregnancy. God has blessed us and God will continue to bless us as long as my gaze remains fixed on the true hope he offers. The hope of eternal life, and the hope that we are never alone as we walk through life's battles.

May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 15:13