New Year

 Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God.  And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;  and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope;  and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly

Romans 5.1-6

These verses still resonate with me so much. We have been through a crazy hard time with Gideon and loosing him and trying to regroup. I'm thankful that God sent Jesus to die to reconcile us even though he didn't have to...I can have assurance that Gideon is in a far better place right now. I can have a deep seated hope, not just in temporal things but in God. I was helpless to save Gideon, but God was not.

I was totally unprepared for the emotions surrounding the changing of the calendar year. We are officially done with 2015 but I'm struggling leaving that year behind. In my mind the beginning of 2015 was both beautiful and hard simultaneously. I think it's doubly hard that not only are we leaving the year in which Gideon was born in but we are entering his birth month of January on top of that. January 31st will mark an entire year since I held Gideon in my arms. The 31st was the one period in time that I had to make any memories with him and our family as a whole. I know he's in Heaven and I can rest in that, but it doesn't take away the pain of separation on a daily basis. My biggest fear for 2016 is that his memory will be lessened more and more with the passing of time. I fear hearing his name mentioned less and less...as a grieving mom there's nothing more I like to hear than Gideon spoken about aloud. I fear that as we welcome in his little brother Eli that he will fade into the background.

Part of my mind still remembers all the doctors visits. The little pieces of hope we were given towards the end of my pregnancy that we may in fact get him to come home for a short time before passing. I remember the detailed plans we handed over to the staff at Shawnee Mission Medical Center at our pre-admission appointment that happened to take place on Mark's 30th Birthday-not the way I ever envisioned spending his birthday. The way my doctor was concerned for us over her weekend, during her personal downtime, before my last in office appointment... how she was convinced we needed to try inducing on the 31st. I still remember the song playing in the car on our way to the hospital on the morning of January 31st

I Am by David Crowder

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cH_LLGiE0f0

I got a little teary at the first snow we had in the KC area as it brought back memories of leaving the hospital February 1st with empty arms...driving home through the fresh fallen snow. Planning Gideon's service while it was icy/snowy outside for that February 5th evening. We had a lot of our saddest memories during snow last year...it's one reason why I hoped that we wouldn't have our rainbow baby during the winter...but God had other plans...perhaps he will take another sad memory and turn it into a beautiful one once again.

While my mind is wrapped in memories of the past I'm trying to view Eli's coming birth through a more positive mindset. It's not an easy task to fully trust that all is and will be ok with his birth with the past still so fresh in my mind. Mark and others around us having been a huge help in that area. At the beginning of my pregnancy with Gideon I contemplated a nice big cushy rocking chair purchase, but once we learned how things really were we decided against a large reminder of our loss. This year for Christmas Mark surprised me with a date night to choose my glider/recliner for me to enjoy with our Eli and our 3 bigger babies.

A friend of mine surprised me with some new baby gowns the other day and they helped to remind me that we can in fact start planning the little clothes that Eli will wear once he's born. My sister in law got me a Tula carrier for Christmas and few nice swaddle blankets. The Tula style we chose has little arrows on it and I feel like it's a nice nod to our little warrior no longer with us. At the same time it will serve to keep our Eli close to us no matter what we are doing. I let the kids help pick out some outfits for Eli as well, and that helped them feel included in the preparations as well.

Our carrier with model-not me

Our Moses basket with some of Eli's things

I've allowed myself to do a little nesting here and there and pull out Gideon's Moses basket. Mark has purchased the wood and gear he needs in order to build a stand for the basket. I have worked on Eli's baby quilt and only need to quilt it now. Each piece of baby gear or clothing I pull out helps me to feel a little more normal. All the nesting serves to remind me that this time is different and this time all signs point to a healthy and growing baby. Part of my heart refuses to be fully confidant until I see my baby boy with his eyes open wide and screaming. I've never desired to hear my baby cry more, than I do this time around. I know that ultimately I need to continue to place this boy in God's hands. I pray that He can keep me in peace during this turbulent month and bring us safely to a February day when we get to meet this little one.

Please keep our whole family in prayer as we approach the first anniversary of Gideon's birth and passing January 31st.  I'm praying that I will be able to keep my mind and heart focused on the blessings he continues to give us. I will continue to speak Gideon's name as often as I can and I pray that others around us will feel free to say his name openly as it makes me feel as if he is not just a passing memory.  Most of all this year I want to focus on the word HOPE! Our hope is not in a baby or things, but only in God who can and will carry us through all we face ahead!

34 weeks-January 4th
Not great at the selfies

Joy

The Song of Mary

 And Mary said:

“My soul magnifies the Lord,

And my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior.
For He has regarded the lowly state of His maidservant;
For behold, henceforth all generations will call me blessed. For He who is mighty has done great things for me,
And holy is His name. And His mercy is on those who fear Him
From generation to generation. He has shown strength with His arm;
He has scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts. He has put down the mighty from their thrones,
And exalted the lowly. He has filled the hungry with good things,
And the rich He has sent away empty. He has helped His servant Israel,
In remembrance of His mercy, As He spoke to our fathers,
To Abraham and to his seed forever.”
Luke 1.46-55 

The Sunday before last my family and I had to privilege of reading Mary's song aloud and lighting the candle of Joy at our church service. The part-"For He who is mighty has done great things for me"-continues to ring through my mind as we travel this first advent after loosing Gideon. I have to keep my eyes on Jesus or I will get swept away with the longing for a different ending to our story of Gideon. This season I've been doing my best to recapture some of the Joy of the season both for myself and my family. It's not always easy and there have been many moments of emotions and flashbacks to last year. I'm thankful for the 3 precious children we get to continue to raise, but now and again I really struggle inwardly with the hole in our family. 

It's innocent questions at a Kindergarten party where someone assumes that I'm on my third pregnancy, but I correct them that it's my fifth. Then I see their minds trying to figure out where my 2 other children are since only Olivia and Luke are present...I relay that my oldest is actually in 2nd grade and we lost our Gideon last January..cue the awkward pause and people trying to fill the void with something but not finding the right words...I then go on to talk about Eli as I can tell they want to say something comforting but are just not prepared for such an honest conversation. I don't want to go through life not mentioning my son, Gideon was here, he was born, and now he will celebrate his first Christmas far away from us. I can still find joy that he's going to be at the greatest birthday celebration and no toy I could buy him will ever replace standing in the presence of Jesus.

Then I have the harder days when I want to cry because I'm hitting governmental brick walls. Such as last Tuesday when I went to the social security office to apply for a social security number for Gideon. We learned that since he was in fact born alive we can claim him on our taxes. However, after waiting 40 minutes in a crowded office with a 6 year old and 3 year old I was shut down in a matter of seconds. I told them the situation and the person I was speaking to was very quick to say that in those cases they don't issue numbers. I made it to the car and through almost two phone calls before I lost it. It really hits in a million unexpected ways that we are without our son. 

However, Christmas is still coming, Emmanuel will be celebrated in our house. God is with us and we can rest in Him even when we struggle. I'm thankful that He has and continues to do mighty works for us. My little girl Olivia just turned 6, the age I was when I was diagnosed with Leukemia, and at this moment she is healthy so I will be thankful for that. Every time I braid or fix her hair I'm reminded of the days I was without hair as a little 6 year old and I'm thankful that my little girl has the opportunity to do her hair in whatever princess way she chooses. My oldest shows us daily his thoughtfulness towards others, such as when we were checking out at Target with a cart full of presents for his cousins and the woman ahead of us forgot her bag. The cashier was older and was at a loss as to how to catch the woman in time and Will volunteered to get it to her and sprinted across the store to catch the woman before she left without her bag. I'm so thankful that Will really has a big heart and God is shaping him into a great boy after His heart. I'm also thankful for Luke, who continues to live up to the meaning behind his name "light." He truly is a sweet little light to me and others and can really make me laugh or melt on days I need it most. God has blessed us so much and continuing to focus on his blessings keeps me moving forward. 

My sister Kate surprised us all and sent us tickets to The Nutcracker. I was able to introduce Will and Olivia and even Mark to one of my favorite traditions growing up. My dad and I used to go together annually and it was my big daddy daughter date with him. I was slightly obsessed with the ballet and dressed up as Clara one year for Halloween and another year I went as the Sugar plumb fairy. It was fun to watch Olivia's face in the scene where the tree and all the furniture grow! It was a great time with our bigger two.

We even had the opportunity to meet our newest nephew Carter last Tuesday and get some much needed snuggles in. It was a little emotional to go back to Shawnee Mission Medical Center, but it was worth it to meet the newest little one. Also, as my husband pointed out, it was good for all of us to have some positive associations with that hospital.

Saturday we were able to go out as a family and find a stocking to hang for Gideon. We know he will not be celebrating here, but we can be reminded of him as we go about our traditions and celebrations. Most of all we can take moments to remember the grander celebration taking place in Heaven!

I continue to have physical struggles with my pregnancy but I'm managing to make it all work. We are seeing a light at the end of the tunnel as I'm now 32 weeks! I scheduled my pre-admission appointment for St Luke's South for the beginning of January. I know the weeks will go fast and slow at the same time leading up to Eli's big day, but we are ready to welcome this next blessing!

Thankful

Now when Daniel learned that the decree had been published, he went home to his upstairs room where the windows opened toward Jerusalem. Three times a day he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before.

Daniel 6:10

A couple weeks ago the Bible study I participate in was studying the life of Daniel. When Daniel was carried off into captivity he was a mere teenager but he already had a strong foundation of faith. He boldly continued to follow God even with the pressure of a foreign government and culture. He dared to ask for different food early on and showed his loyalty to God. Later in his life under the rule of a different king he was challenged by jealous associates to abandon his prayer life. However, consistently he showed who was first in his life. It challenges me to reevaluate my response to pressure. Do I continue to chase after God or do I cave into the pressure? Lately I've had the opportunity to make daily choices as to where I will turn.

My normal pregnancy contractions have started back up. I have been waiting for the shoe to drop and sure enough a couple weeks ago my body caught up with me. Each day I have at least an hour and half of contractions, but at least twice a week the contractions will continue on for 5-6 hours. It's always a balance to figure out how much I should be concerned about them. Last week I had Mark stay home because I went to bed with contractions and then woke up with contractions... I felt like there was a small chance my doctor would make me come in. Thankfully I got the best nurse to talk to when I called in, I quickly explained that I would prefer to have my doctor call in a second type of pill for me as I've started having more contractions but this is baby # 5 so we know that we are not quite at the point of going into labor and delivery. Her response helped calm any fears that she would send me right to Labor and Delivery-She calmly said "5th pregnancy? You are my favorite kind of patient, I'll pass the message onto your doctor and will call you back when she responds." So happy for a nurse that didn't immediately quiz me about how much water I've had, if I laid on my left side, if I had more than 6 contractions in an hour. My doctor did in fact call in the script but gave strict instructions that if both IB profen and Procardia do not work to stop them, then I am to go to Labor and Delivery. Thankfully so far both meds acting together have done the job, even if sometimes it takes a little longer to kick in.

Both Mark and I have been hit with varying emotions regarding the holiday season. In many ways we are very thankful for the busyness of the season which we hope will make the last trimester appear to go faster. We really enjoyed all the family time we got in over our long Thanksgiving weekend. We were able to spend Thanksgiving with Mark's extended side. Friday we got to find our Christmas tree among many frozen trees. Saturday we enjoyed decorating our tree while sipping hot chocolate, making Christmas cookies, and snuggling and watching a Christmas movie. 

However, it's our first holiday season since losing Gideon. I was not sure how hard the emotions would hit us since we didn't have him home for any holidays, but there are many little things that hit like a ton of bricks. Setting out the Christmas decorations and seeing the empty stocking holder was hard-we will soon either purchase or make a Gideon stocking. I also put up a few ornaments that were given to us to remind us of Gideon, it was fairly emotional to place them. Even certain bible verses still hit me hard.

The people who walked in darkness

Have seen a great light;

Those who dwelt in the land of the shadow of death,

Upon them a light has shined.

Isaiah 9.2

This verse still brings up a lot of emotion and really gets to my heart...last year we felt as if we were living in the shadow of death. This year feels as if we are in-between the shadow of death from last January and the light God has graciously granted us to come in February. Even without a new one to look forward to there are so many moments of light that God has brought about for us when we had Gideon and after. We are thankful for the hope of this next little one...but there will always be a missing child at each holiday gathering, a missing laugh, and some missing presents. 

I'm thankful that we have the hope of Jesus, the real reason to celebrate Christmas. This Advent season our little family will be counting down to Christmas while learning the names of Jesus. 

http://www.spelloutloud.com/names-of-jesus-advent-chain.html

Many of his wonderful names are found in just two powerful verses!

For unto us a Child is born,

Unto us a Son is given;

And the government will be upon His shoulder.

And His name will be called

Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God,

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Of the increase of His government and peace

There will be no end

Isaiah 9.6-7

We ask for continued prayers as we live with joy and anticipation of our coming little one... balanced by the physical and emotional pain from this pregnancy and the loss of our dear boy. We both remain thankful always that Christ did come to Earth and he made a way for our little boy to live forever in His presence! 

29 weeks with Gideon
November 2014

28 weeks with Eli
November 2015

God Most High

“He reached down from on high and took hold of me;    he drew me out of deep waters." 

2 Samuel 22.17

This verse is David praising God for all that God did to help him escape his enemies. Even though I haven't faced any real human enemies... my grief, pain, and contractions sometimes feel like enemies. I still need God to pull me out of those deep waters of loneliness, heartache, and pain that accompanies all three of those issues. I recognize that this time around I have not had to deal with as much pain or as many contractions as I have in the past. The only one responsible for this wonderful gift is God. I feel God helping me through this pregnancy more than any other before it. I've still had pain here and there and I've had a few episodes of contractions but nothing daily or as brutally as previous pregnancies. I'm 26 weeks, almost 27 weeks along and I have not been assigned modified bed rest yet (with my third pregnancy, Luke, I was contracting daily and on modified bed rest at 20 weeks). I was warned by my doctor to avoid getting pregnant before 6 months post-Gideon, as she thought if we got pregnant before then it would mean a harder pregnancy. I'm so thankful God has paved this road for us to experience a break in our normal.

With all of my feeling good we have allowed ourselves to take a few more risks than we normally would have. I've been able to keep the house in some semblance of order (for a nesting stay-at-home mom that really helps) and we've made a few more outings than we normally would. I felt comfortable enough to be a helper at both Will and Olivia's class parties, organized a fun friend Birthday party for Will's 8th Birthday, helped decorate a "Frozen" hallway for our church's "great giveaway" for Halloween, and volunteered to pack meals with our church, and of course do some Halloween trick or treating. Last year most of these things would never have made it onto my to-do list but it was wonderful to be a part of them this year.

Little volunteers

Will writing John 3:16 out on the boxes

Will at his Army Party

Olivia's First School Party

      

         Trick or Treating with My butterfly, Sweedish Chef, and Train Engineer

I think I needed to stay busy around Halloween as it was still bittersweet to be wearing the exact same shirt, one of my only orange maternity shirts, that I wore last year when I was pregnant with Gideon. The change being that this year instead of having our sweet Gideon dressed up and trick-or-treating I was wearing my Gideon locket. It's the little things like that, that still hit me hard. 

Last year we stayed pretty oblivious to the celebrations going on in our city when The Royals made it into the post season...something about somber news doesn't make for a celebratory mood. This year we were excited when the KC Royals won The World Series...we even felt confidant enough to take our little ones to the parade (along with 800,000+ other people). For the record my doctor cringed at the concept that we were there, especially knowing how the large crowds made traffic a nightmare...and what would have happened had my body decided to pull a "flip out" and we couldn't even get over to the closer hospital? Thankfully once again God was with us and made the day enjoyable even though I did end it in a little pain. We were blessed to get time with Mark and our kids' school was cancelled for "blue snow day." We even got to visit my husband's work.

Our Family at the Crown Center Fountains prior to the parade

I loved Mark's eagerness to introduce our not so little family to his coworkers. He'd point to me and introduce me... then pointed out Will, Olivia, and Luke... and patted my tummy and introduced our soon to be addition, Eli. After repeating this a few times with various people I felt like the cat's out of the bag on our son's name.

We started off only mentioning baby's name to close family, but like anything else with us it eventually makes its way out...we are not so good with happy secrets. I felt it was really important for our little ones to have a new name to associate with the baby in my tummy this time. It's hard for our little ones to understand that even though I'm having a boy again and it's at the same time of year, that no it will not be Gideon coming back to us. It's helped Olivia cope with our loss when we talk about all the big sister things she is going to do with Eli that she missed out on with Gideon.

It has been a blessing to come to agree on a boy name as we've struggled in the past to agree on one, but when Mark posed the name Eli this time it just clicked. I read somewhere that Eli means "God Most High." I can think of no other fitting name for this little boy. Eli is our constant reminder that our God is in charge and our God remains good even through all we've been through. God had his timing for this little boy, even when we did not think we would have another quite so soon after Gideon. God knew we needed this exact timing to help heal our hearts and trust in Him even more. I continue to pray for this little boy and take nothing for granted. I will continue to trust in the Most High as we continue this journey to February.