The Heart of It All!

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,

    that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

Psalm 90:14 

I am one of those women who has no trouble getting pregnant, but it's always a rough ride for 9 months. I kicked this pregnancy off, like all of my others, with some pre-seizure auras. The best way I can describe them is that the world around me appears to be going in slow motion, my heart rate goes up, my stomach turns, I sometimes smell "hospital smells" like disinfectant, I feel as if I'm experiencing deja vu, and I hear people talking as if they are far away even if they are right next to me. Let me tell you it's a blast for me and those around me. I was told by a college professor that I get a far away look and go extremely pale as well. These episodes are my body's warning to run for a bed and sleep, or things are going to turn bad quickly. Thankfully I've learned how to read my body in the last 14 years and know when danger is headed my way.

Thankfully my worst pregnancy symptom has yet to rear it's ugly head for now and I'm extremely grateful!!! However, I'm waiting for the shoe to drop, as I can sense my doctor and husband are as well. Generally at some point in my pregnancy I get a ridiculous amount of pain in my lower stomach. It makes me want to curl up into a ball and lie on my side all day. So far I have not gotten it in full force. Although there have been small glimpses of it, especially after my first prenatal appointment. This pain along with all my preterm contractions, is why my doctor usually sticks me on partial or modified bed rest at some point. My doctor almost laughed out loud when I referred to my making all of Mark's favorite meals now, so that if I go on bed rest and he has the fend for himself and the whole family he will have had some of his favorites. My doctor said to Mark "I love how she keeps saying "if", it's not an "if" (regarding bed rest) it's a "when." A girl can hope, but she's known me for all my pregnancies so it will be a miracle if I'm able to stay off any sort of bed rest.

Even with these two big bummers, and the normal first trimester symptoms, I'm still so happy to be carrying this new life! I know these issues are also markers that baby is growing and that turns them into comforts. Every now and again I get worried about a new ache or pain that I don't remember from a previous pregnancy and I find myself worrying and searching Web MD. I had myself convinced before my first appointment that I had an ectopic pregnancy or that there wouldn't be a heart beat. I got to see baby so I know for certain that my misgivings about the ectopic pregnancy have been ruled out. However the heart is another matter all together.

I've heard stories of thinking everything was fine in a pregnancy and then all of a sudden there wasn't a heart beat. Or in our case we thought everything was great with Gideon and then anomalies were picked up on a level 2 ultrasound. Part of me leans toward fear when I linger too much on all the what ifs. Even listening to this little one's heart beat at our ultrasound at 6 weeks, I was listening to see if I could pick up anything wrong with the rhythm or if it was strong enough (as if I would know what to listen for). These things rotate through my thoughts at odd times. My doctor was going over what to expect with upcoming visits and she mentioned that next time she will see if she can catch baby's heart beat on the dopplar. Part of me is hopeful and part of me is scared that she won't catch it. Whenever anyone talks about baby hearts or heart beats, I almost feel my stomach drop as if I'm reliving all the talks about Gideon's heart with the doctors.

I have a very special heart that stays in my room that is weighted with Gideon's birth weight of only 3 lbs 12 oz. I can pick it up and hold it on the hard days when I just ache to feel in him in my arms again. It's been so helpful in the healing process, but especially lately with all my concerns about this new little one. I think one of my fears is that the memories of Gideon will be edged out as we accept this new life into our hearts. Daily I'm trying to keep my mind away from the fears and draw myself back into the peace that God offers.

While driving my car load of 3 kids one afternoon, a song came on the radio that really spoke to me. It talked about God being the anchor to our hope. Only when I allow God to be my anchor, can I attempt the huge road ahead of us no matter what happens. The heart of it all is that God's in control and I can rest in that! No amount of worry on my part is going to change the future, trust me it's easier said than done! I will keep praying for this little one and I hope one day the fear battle will get a little easier. Thank you all for your prayers, encouragement, and support as we start this journey with another precious little one!

Cast My Cares by Finding Favour 

https://youtu.be/bKuAMmTqUbs

Surrender and Surprises

  I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.” -1 Samuel 1:27-28

So Father's Day 2014 our whole journey started with Gideon. That's the day that Mark and I discovered we were expecting a little baby. Soon we were sharing our happy news in great anticipation of what was to come! I began planning all the little details the minute the test turned positive. I was put on modified bed rest fairly early on in my pregnancy with Gideon due to my typical pain and contractions. So in my free time I researched clothes and baby gear. We had sold and given away baby gear thinking that Luke was going to be our last baby. God opened our hearts to welcome and love another baby. Like many times, I showed my love for this next baby through planning. I planned so much and then September hit and our priorities changed completely!

I had glimpses of what surrender looked like through out all the medical trials I had experienced in my life to that point, but we were up against a new level of surrender with Gideon. We prayed for a miracle but simultaneously we prayed for God's will and God's help in accepting it. We made the most of the days I remained pregnant, thankful to be in pain since it meant Gideon was still there! Thankful for each and every kick, as they were God's little reassurances. Planning became more about preparing our children for what was to come, especially Will who was so looking forward to a baby sibling. We had to find a way to surrender our precious boy completely to God, which is the biggest struggle no matter how old our children are. This year Father's day was a little different, but also not so different!

Surprise, God is giving us another blessing, another pregnancy which we hope will turn out differently. After a few days of  my epilepsy acting up, I took a test and sure enough this June we saw another positive. Then 3 more tests later I figured we could be confident that I was carrying a new baby. Another addition, a much anticipated and hoped for addition. I know things this time feel different, it's impossible to walk our road and not view pregnancy differently. The biggest thing for me is to run to God when fears strike-as they have already hit time and again between nightmares and random thoughts. To see this pregnancy through God's eyes, even the morning sickness and exhaustion is comforting as I know these are the effects of a growing baby. In the big picture, all the material things are nothing compared to time with those we love. We are praying we get to take this baby home and love him or her for many many years to come!

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
James 1:17

Cute baby outfit I picked up from MOPS 

Last May as we were ending our MOPS (Mother's Of Preschoolers) meeting for the spring semester, I did a little peeking at baby outfits in our MOPS Swap, or kids clothing exchange. I found an adorable KU outfit for our hoped for baby. Some of our expectations at the beginning of our last pregnancy was that we would have a bitty baby to hold while watching KU basketball during one of the best times of the year, March Madness. I didn't even think twice about picking up the outfit as I figured we love the Jayhawks all year round. We were forced to surrender the desire to hold our baby at home over to God once we got Gideon's prognosis. Another surprise, it looks like God may give us our March Madness baby snuggles after all!

Please pray for me and my family as we look forward to our rainbow due in February. God is writing this story...in His providence our baby's due date is a day after his/her big brother Gideon's due date. At first I was leery of having a baby due anywhere near Gideon's due date, but now I see it through God's eyes as a new chapter in our unfolding story. How great our God is that He would bless us in this way. No matter what lies ahead we will rejoice today that we have another little one to love and care for no matter how long that may be. I hope that by the time we get to meet this little one that he or she will be covered in prayer and love which is by far the best gift any baby can receive!

Lord, you are my God;

    I will exalt you and praise your name,

for in perfect faithfulness

    you have done wonderful things,

    things planned long ago.

 Isaiah 25:1

Be Still

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.

Exodus 14:14

The context of this verse is very timely to all that we have faced in the last year. Moses was speaking to the Isrealites when they were stuck between the advancing army of Pharaoh and the Red Sea. I cannot imagine the terror the Isrealites were facing, reasonably there was no way out-but they were not being guided by a God boxed in by our "reasonable" limits-He is capable of anything! We know how the story ends-God parts the sea and the Israelites walk through unharmed and the army comes to complete ruin when the waves crash down on them. I know God goes before us no matter how things look around us. I also have my own personal story of when God parted the sea for me and my family almost 25 years ago. 

July 3rd 1990 I was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia or ALL (there were no sub types at that time). My only symptoms going in to the doctor was fatigue and unexplained bruising -my first few years as a mother I would get unusually worried every time a child got a bruise or was tired...in hindsight I was destined to go crazy chasing an active boy around making sure I knew where every little bruise came from, but thankfully I learned to turn it over to God.-I was diagnosed after my mother demanded my pediatrician to test me further as she knew as a mom that something was not right. So thankful my mom never gave up and we caught the cancer early. After a little under a month of chemo I was put into remission-I would still go on to do 3 years of chemotherapy-but I never relapsed.

It seems as time passes from those traumatic days, my parents let on more and more as what it was like to be my parent during that time period. I was in the small minority that did not relapse and need a bone marrow transplant. Also there was a great majority that ultimately won their battle in a different way-going to the place where there is no more illness or nasty medicine. My parents lived daily thankful and daily concerned that my situation could change at any moment. We did a lot during those years to make memories in the event I only had a little time. I still remember the short time Mark and I felt we were living on the edge of not knowing what would happen or when Gideon would arrive. My mind drifts often to how those other parents who walked the hard path of repeating chemotherapy and added in a bone marrow transplant- and even more those who had to say good bye to their children. My mind also goes to the place of God's sovereignty and why I won my battle on Earth but Gideon won his battle in Heaven.

I know God's ability to perform miracles but how do I reconcile that with the entire Gideon situation. There are a small minority of children who are still alive years later with Trisomy 18-I was ready to fight for my Gideon if we were of the group who were able to care for their children on Earth. When we learned about the state of our Gideon's heart, God laid on our hearts that Gideon was not destined for long on Earth. Our fight for Gideon became a fight for him to experience as much love as possible on Earth before leaving. We had close family a room away and nurses ready to help in any way we needed to make as many memories as possible. Our photographer spent time in between our delivery room and our family's room.

Family ready to meet Gideon

Nurse and my Doc helping the big siblings!

    

           Big brother Will so happy to meet baby Gideon

This last Sunday we taught the lesson of Gideon from Judges 6-8 to our little class of Kindergartens. The overall lesson was that "we should obey God and trust him to help us." We showed our class, as best we could, how God cut down the number of the men in Gideon's army on purpose so that they would remember that God was responsible for the victory. I feel that the entire situation with our little Gideon was so impossible that just walking through the day required leaning on God. We would get a little hope and then something else would pop up and bring us back down to our knees. 

A friend of mine told me that sometimes our stories do not involve the kind of miracles that fix everything, but the miracle is sometimes that we were able to walk through the hard time. We are still standing after feeling the pressure of being stuck between impossible situations. I know only God helped us and still moves us forward to whatever he has in mind for us. 

Psalm 46

God is our refuge and strength,

    an ever-present help in trouble.

  Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way

    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

 though its waters roar and foam

    and the mountains quake with their surging.[c]

 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,

    the holy place where the Most High dwells.

 God is within her, she will not fall;

    God will help her at break of day.

 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;

    he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

 The Lord Almighty is with us;

    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

 Come and see what the Lord has done,

    the desolations he has brought on the earth.

 He makes wars cease

    to the ends of the earth.

He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;

    he burns the shields[d] with fire.

 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;

    I will be exalted among the nations,

    I will be exalted in the earth.”

 The Lord Almighty is with us;

    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

The Lord My Peace

Gideon's tiny perfect feet!

Today marks 4 months since seeing our little Gideon. I can still hear Luke talking to my tummy, during my pregnancy, to his little brother "Giddy." I remember Will and Olivia decorating the door to my bedroom -They started decorating for Gideon's arrival back in September even though he wasn't due until February. I vividly remember Mark's happy reaction when I told him last Father's day that he was going to have another little baby to hold.

It's amazing how so much can happen in the span of one year. Last spring we were talking about the idea of trying for our fourth, and we decided to just hand the situation over to God. God wasted no time in his response, as last June we found out we were pregnant. Sitting on the other side of things is difficult, but it has grown us and our family so much.

I've learned a much deeper level of trust in God and His will. I've learned that He truly does offer a peace that surpasses all understanding. He knows how everything will play out and I can trust that he will work it together for good even if it hurts at the time.

This last weekend I went back to the same funeral home where Gideon was brought to, but this time it was to see a good friend of mine and help her say good bye to her beautiful mother. It was only God who could make me face that building again as my mind went numb as we drove the similar route we took to get there back in February. My mood and mind remained kind of hazy and foggy after that, and I knew I needed some more alone time with God. Of course God meets us where we need him most!

My devotion I turned to was referring to the different names of God in the Bible. The devotion was specifically focusing on Jehovah Shalom, The Lord My Peace. Can you imagine what story it was referencing? Gideon's story from Judges 6. I believe it was a beautiful piece of providence that I desperately needed.

"When the angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon, he said, "The Lord is with you, mighty warrior." "Pardon me, my lord,"Gideon replied, "but if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our ancestors told us about when they said, 'Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt? But now the Lord has abandoned us and given us into the hand of Midian." 

So Gideon built an alter to the Lord there and called it The Lord is Peace.

 Judges 6:12-13,24

I love how God chose Gideon even knowing he would be incredulous. It's sometimes hard to know God is with us when we are going through extreme hardship. We don't feel that mountaintop feeling that comes after a retreat or a wonderful moment. Hard times feel like trying to run through deep snow-it's cold, draining, and all you want to do is escape it and get near a fire place. God offers us that warmth if we come to Him,

The author of my devotion made a very important statement

"Peace is not a feeling or possession but a person. Jesus will invade your hopelessness and distress and reveal himself as Peace." -Nancy Guthrie

God and I have had and continue to have some late night talks. I know He can handle my questions even if I don't always get answers. He is patient with me and my finite understanding of what is going on in what seems like an upside down world. No matter what is going on I know that if I turn towards Him, He is faithful to give me the peace I need.

In the church I grew up in, our service always ended with the pastor reciting the benediction-also known in the book of Numbers as the priestly blessing. It was always reassuring to hear this said before leaving our church to go home-before going out into the world. Even reading it again today it brings a smile to my face! I can picture God's face shining on my little Gideon and I know he is in the best place!

“The Lord bless you

    and keep you;

 the Lord make his face shine on you

    and be gracious to you;

 the Lord turn his face toward you

    and give you peace.”’

Numbers 6:24-26