Our Rainbow Arrives

So I've been wanting to write out Eli's birth story for some time, but taking care of a newborn is fairly distracting. In a few quiet moments I'm able to look back on the last couple weeks. The days and hours leading up to Eli's birth were filled with so many emotions mixed together. We were excited and elated that we would soon meet this little boy that we've been praying for. At the same time there was a bit of anxiety over when and how his birth would play out. Also I felt a sadness over moving away from the birth and loss of Gideon. I had an idea in my head, a vision of how I wanted his birth to happen, and once again God showed me that my plans are not his plans.

Love this of our Gideon pillow with Eli's quilt 

The week leading up to his birth included days of contraction cycles. The cycle would go something like this-contract for 2 to 2.5 hours with contractions growing stronger and closer together and then all contractions fizzle out for an hour or two then the cycle started all over. We knew I was already dilated to 5cm as of the 2nd of February, the Tuesday before his birth, so with each episode of contractions Mark was on high alert and ready to leave his office immediately if they persisted. By Friday, the 5th, he was ready to just start his leave on the off chance that contractions turned into the real thing.

Friday we went into full on preparation mode knowing at any moment I might have to go into the hospital. We did a grocery shop to pick up anything we needed to stock our pantry and hospital bags. While we were out shopping the contractions started back up and didn't fizzle out for a solid 3 hours so we made the decision to call in, just in case. When I spoke to the nurse she was very insistent that I drop everything and get myself to the hospital. So we brought the kids over to friends and grabbed all our necessities for the hospital. At the hospital the nurses already had my room prepped for delivery with a baby warmer and bassinet all set up. All the nurses were ready to run in and help deliver the baby as quickly as possible. But as it turns out those contractions were more practice for the big day. I was sent home still at a 5.

The next couple days my body decided to give me a little break from the practice. I appreciated the break as that Sunday our oldest was set to be baptized. Mark and I enjoyed getting a front row seat to Will's profession of faith and baptism. We got to enjoy his baptism day with some of our family and were able to take Will out to one of his favorite restaurants, Jose Peppers, to celebrate.

On Monday I had my last in office appointment and had an opportunity to discuss my options for inducement day. We decided if I wanted a fast labor and delivery that we would aim to start pitocin around 6 am and then my doctor would come in and break my water somewhere around 7:30 am. I've done inducements before so I felt confident in our plan of action.

Monday night, February 8th, Mark took the kids out to Eudora to stay with his parents since we had to leave at 5:30 am the next day to get to the hospital. I had a horrible night sleep that night, partly from nerves and partly from pain I started having over night. Mostly just a pressure type pain and I wrote it off as one of my typical pains.

We got out the door on time on February 9th and headed to the hospital. On the way there I started having the pain off and on but once again. However, I no longer trust my body with all the false labor scares I've had in the past. When we got to the hospital we were so relieved to know we were not going to be sent home this time! The nurse asked if I'd had any contractions or was I currently contracting? I explained that I'd had some pain off and on but we've had a lot of false labor. Sure enough once I got hooked up to the machines and was checked it was confirmed that I was already in labor. So we no longer needed the pitocin to kick things off. However, I did know I was going to want an epidural since I wanted to be totally in the moment when Eli came into the world.

Excited to meet Eli!
(Also early enough in labor to give a little smile)

So the nurses started to attempt finding a vein so they could start a central line. I warned them all that my veins are still horrible all these years removed from chemotherapy. Six attempts later the nurses conceded that they needed to call in the big guns. So they sent for anesthesiology which just made sense since I was going to eventually want an epidural. thankfully they were able to find a spot to start the IV and draw some labs. By this point it was around 7 am and my contractions were definitely getting stronger. The nurses also pointed out that my heart rate was high, to the point that it kept setting off the monitor. I knew I was somewhat anxious going into the labor, because part of me was not sure if I'd have my happy ending. Part of me was still waiting for a complication and I was not going to completely settle my mind until I heard Eli's first cry.

Last Belly picture

It took a while to get my labs back to confirm that I could get an epidural. Once we were all set for it I had a few moments of nerves about the epidural since it reminded me so much of my many spinal taps as a child, but that next contraction erased any concerns I had. The epidural was working by 8:30 am but the pressure was still there. My doctor came by and broke my water and by 9 am it was time to start pushing. It all happened a lot quicker than we were prepared for.

I am one of those women who generally pushes a few times and has a baby. Well Eli had other ideas, as I started pushing very little happened. He was still high and as it turns out his face was the wrong way, he was considered sunny side up. I pushed for a bit longer until my doctor recognized that we were not going to make any more progress through pushing. She opted for me to be rotated from side to side to try to get him to turn into the correct position. As the nurse carried out her instructions my doctor went to go check quickly on some other patients. I was given an oxygen mask and put into various positions to try to help Eli as much as possible. It was rough and I remember getting very sick to my stomach and shaking all over. Mentally I figured Eli was stuck and I was going to end up in a C section. The nurses on the floor were all either helping me or checking Eli's heart rate. There came a point where they could no longer wait for my doctor to return so they called in another doctor to help deliver him. When I tried pushing again it was much better and took only a short time before he was actually born. Then we held our breath as he didn't make an instant scream.

Apparently the cord was wrapped twice around his neck and was causing the silence that was so disconcerting. However they quickly brought him over to the warmer and jostled him a bit and we heard that sound we'd been aching to hear. He screamed so loudly and it was so beautiful to hear! It was the best feeling when they brought him over and I was able to look into his wide open eyes. All these little things we'd taken for granted before were treasured moments for us both. I'm so happy I was able to have all of these precious moments documented in pictures by a dear friend and birth photographer Morgan of Beautiful Birth Photography

http://beautifulbirthkc.com/

Walking out of the hospital with our baby in his car seat was an extremely emotional experience. It was even better looking in the back seat once we'd picked up the other 3 kids, to see our car loaded up with our family. Even days later certain things still bring me to tears, changing those tiny diapers remind me how blessed we are to be changing his diapers. I'm sure at some point I will not appreciate the diapers but for now we are enjoying all the things we missed out on with Gideon. I don't think Eli has spent much time out of our arms yet as each and every snuggle is so special to us. Being up late is still rough, I won't lie, but I remember last year crying over missing out on the late nights with Gideon. I remember telling Mark, "I shouldn't be this well rested right now." We will continue to treasure this wonderful gift God has so lovingly given us.

First time we realized we may need a mini van soon

Eli's full name is Eli Nathaniel DeArmond-Eli means God most High and Nathaniel means God has given or Gift of God. Also his initial spell END- We see this beautiful boy as God's beautiful finale, the last addition to our family. I still recall Mark saying one night, "we did it, we got the big family we always wanted." We always said we wanted 4-5 children from day one, by day one I mean even before we got engaged. We knew we wanted the big family even with the challenges we knew we would face with a bigger family. We looked forward to a house filled with much joy and laughter. Even farther down the road we looked forward to the day when our children were married and had children of their own and we would gather together. We are so thankful God has graciously given us our deepest desire for our family. We know only God was responsible for building our family and we are thankful each one of our blessings!

All of our little blessings 

Unless the Lord builds the house,

They labor in vain who build it;

Unless the Lord guards the city,

The watchman keeps awake in vain.

 It is vain for you to rise up early,

To retire late,

To eat the bread of painful labors;

For He gives to His beloved even in his sleep.

 Behold, children are a gift of the Lord,

The fruit of the womb is a reward.

 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,

So are the children of one’s youth.

 How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;

They will not be ashamed

When they speak with their enemies in the gate.

Psalm 127

Beauty from Ashes

 and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.”

Revelation 21:4 

So our family survived January, the month of Gideon's earthly and heavenly birthday. I won't lie, January was an extremely emotional month for me. I felt caught between two worlds moving in opposite directions. I had prenatal care for a little boy that should be arriving very soon, but all the time remembering having similar but very different prenatal appointments for Gideon. We had our ultrasound for Eli the Tuesday before Gideon's birthday. Almost exactly a year prior we had an ultrasound for Gideon...it was the appointment at which we decided to induce on the 31st. The timing overlap between the pregnancies is overwhelming at times, but healing at other times. At Eli's scan we were able to see a very healthy and big boy predicted to weigh around 7 or 8 pounds at birth.... in comparison to Gideon's scan where it showed him to be somewhere around 4 pounds, and he was 3 pounds 12 oz at birth.

At the appointment prior to my ultrasound for Eli my doctor made the discovery that our ornery Eli had been playing the acrobat and flipped himself to a breach position. So there were a few days of concern that after my ultrasound the next week we would be talking terms such as C section and EVC (External Cephalic Version)-where the doctor physically turns baby head down-both options did not sound pleasant to us. So had you stopped by the next night after the first appointment you may have seen me laying on a bookshelf  balanced on our couch with my head on the ground and my feet on the couch..yes I was willing to do anything so this boy would flip! (The website suggested an Ironing board but I nearly broke ours before actually laying on it so we went with a bookshelf instead) Thankfully at the ultrasound he was head down. However he was not content to stay in that position and just this last Monday he was found to be back in the breach position. So the next day we went back in for another ultrasound and he was in fact back to head down. I just laughed it off with my doctor that it wouldn't be one of my pregnancies without something crazy going on. 

On the 31st of January we had some nice weather in Kansas and were able to go to a park to release some balloons to Gideon. Each one of our children had a different idea of what Gideon's favorite color was so we let them each pick their own colored balloon. Later we went home and made some homemade pizzas and cupcakes to celebrate the little boy that is celebrating far away from us. We talked with the kids about what they thought Gideon was doing in Heaven on his birthday. Mark and I had our emotional moments in the day, but overall the day was characterized by peace and trust that God is taking care of our little boy.

The trust in God that we have learned more deeply through this whole experience has also led our oldest to make a very big decision. Will has decided to fully place his trust in God and knows that it boils down to doing what God wants over what he wants. It means that he isn't perfect and only Jesus was perfect and took on the punishment so we can join him in Heaven. I find it another beautifully timed event that God foreknew ahead of time. He knew one year after Will said goodbye to his little brother that he would learn to trust God and follow him, and one day he will get to see his brother again!

In this picture Will is waving good bye to Gideon and saying "See you later"...We know he will see Gideon later in Heaven! We look forward to watching Will get baptized tomorrow morning at our church service (10:45) and celebrate his birth into the family of God!

See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are. For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not know Him. 

1 John 3.1

New Year

 Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God.  And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;  and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope;  and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly

Romans 5.1-6

These verses still resonate with me so much. We have been through a crazy hard time with Gideon and loosing him and trying to regroup. I'm thankful that God sent Jesus to die to reconcile us even though he didn't have to...I can have assurance that Gideon is in a far better place right now. I can have a deep seated hope, not just in temporal things but in God. I was helpless to save Gideon, but God was not.

I was totally unprepared for the emotions surrounding the changing of the calendar year. We are officially done with 2015 but I'm struggling leaving that year behind. In my mind the beginning of 2015 was both beautiful and hard simultaneously. I think it's doubly hard that not only are we leaving the year in which Gideon was born in but we are entering his birth month of January on top of that. January 31st will mark an entire year since I held Gideon in my arms. The 31st was the one period in time that I had to make any memories with him and our family as a whole. I know he's in Heaven and I can rest in that, but it doesn't take away the pain of separation on a daily basis. My biggest fear for 2016 is that his memory will be lessened more and more with the passing of time. I fear hearing his name mentioned less and less...as a grieving mom there's nothing more I like to hear than Gideon spoken about aloud. I fear that as we welcome in his little brother Eli that he will fade into the background.

Part of my mind still remembers all the doctors visits. The little pieces of hope we were given towards the end of my pregnancy that we may in fact get him to come home for a short time before passing. I remember the detailed plans we handed over to the staff at Shawnee Mission Medical Center at our pre-admission appointment that happened to take place on Mark's 30th Birthday-not the way I ever envisioned spending his birthday. The way my doctor was concerned for us over her weekend, during her personal downtime, before my last in office appointment... how she was convinced we needed to try inducing on the 31st. I still remember the song playing in the car on our way to the hospital on the morning of January 31st

I Am by David Crowder

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cH_LLGiE0f0

I got a little teary at the first snow we had in the KC area as it brought back memories of leaving the hospital February 1st with empty arms...driving home through the fresh fallen snow. Planning Gideon's service while it was icy/snowy outside for that February 5th evening. We had a lot of our saddest memories during snow last year...it's one reason why I hoped that we wouldn't have our rainbow baby during the winter...but God had other plans...perhaps he will take another sad memory and turn it into a beautiful one once again.

While my mind is wrapped in memories of the past I'm trying to view Eli's coming birth through a more positive mindset. It's not an easy task to fully trust that all is and will be ok with his birth with the past still so fresh in my mind. Mark and others around us having been a huge help in that area. At the beginning of my pregnancy with Gideon I contemplated a nice big cushy rocking chair purchase, but once we learned how things really were we decided against a large reminder of our loss. This year for Christmas Mark surprised me with a date night to choose my glider/recliner for me to enjoy with our Eli and our 3 bigger babies.

A friend of mine surprised me with some new baby gowns the other day and they helped to remind me that we can in fact start planning the little clothes that Eli will wear once he's born. My sister in law got me a Tula carrier for Christmas and few nice swaddle blankets. The Tula style we chose has little arrows on it and I feel like it's a nice nod to our little warrior no longer with us. At the same time it will serve to keep our Eli close to us no matter what we are doing. I let the kids help pick out some outfits for Eli as well, and that helped them feel included in the preparations as well.

Our carrier with model-not me

Our Moses basket with some of Eli's things

I've allowed myself to do a little nesting here and there and pull out Gideon's Moses basket. Mark has purchased the wood and gear he needs in order to build a stand for the basket. I have worked on Eli's baby quilt and only need to quilt it now. Each piece of baby gear or clothing I pull out helps me to feel a little more normal. All the nesting serves to remind me that this time is different and this time all signs point to a healthy and growing baby. Part of my heart refuses to be fully confidant until I see my baby boy with his eyes open wide and screaming. I've never desired to hear my baby cry more, than I do this time around. I know that ultimately I need to continue to place this boy in God's hands. I pray that He can keep me in peace during this turbulent month and bring us safely to a February day when we get to meet this little one.

Please keep our whole family in prayer as we approach the first anniversary of Gideon's birth and passing January 31st.  I'm praying that I will be able to keep my mind and heart focused on the blessings he continues to give us. I will continue to speak Gideon's name as often as I can and I pray that others around us will feel free to say his name openly as it makes me feel as if he is not just a passing memory.  Most of all this year I want to focus on the word HOPE! Our hope is not in a baby or things, but only in God who can and will carry us through all we face ahead!

34 weeks-January 4th
Not great at the selfies

Joy

The Song of Mary

 And Mary said:

“My soul magnifies the Lord,

And my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior.
For He has regarded the lowly state of His maidservant;
For behold, henceforth all generations will call me blessed. For He who is mighty has done great things for me,
And holy is His name. And His mercy is on those who fear Him
From generation to generation. He has shown strength with His arm;
He has scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts. He has put down the mighty from their thrones,
And exalted the lowly. He has filled the hungry with good things,
And the rich He has sent away empty. He has helped His servant Israel,
In remembrance of His mercy, As He spoke to our fathers,
To Abraham and to his seed forever.”
Luke 1.46-55 

The Sunday before last my family and I had to privilege of reading Mary's song aloud and lighting the candle of Joy at our church service. The part-"For He who is mighty has done great things for me"-continues to ring through my mind as we travel this first advent after loosing Gideon. I have to keep my eyes on Jesus or I will get swept away with the longing for a different ending to our story of Gideon. This season I've been doing my best to recapture some of the Joy of the season both for myself and my family. It's not always easy and there have been many moments of emotions and flashbacks to last year. I'm thankful for the 3 precious children we get to continue to raise, but now and again I really struggle inwardly with the hole in our family. 

It's innocent questions at a Kindergarten party where someone assumes that I'm on my third pregnancy, but I correct them that it's my fifth. Then I see their minds trying to figure out where my 2 other children are since only Olivia and Luke are present...I relay that my oldest is actually in 2nd grade and we lost our Gideon last January..cue the awkward pause and people trying to fill the void with something but not finding the right words...I then go on to talk about Eli as I can tell they want to say something comforting but are just not prepared for such an honest conversation. I don't want to go through life not mentioning my son, Gideon was here, he was born, and now he will celebrate his first Christmas far away from us. I can still find joy that he's going to be at the greatest birthday celebration and no toy I could buy him will ever replace standing in the presence of Jesus.

Then I have the harder days when I want to cry because I'm hitting governmental brick walls. Such as last Tuesday when I went to the social security office to apply for a social security number for Gideon. We learned that since he was in fact born alive we can claim him on our taxes. However, after waiting 40 minutes in a crowded office with a 6 year old and 3 year old I was shut down in a matter of seconds. I told them the situation and the person I was speaking to was very quick to say that in those cases they don't issue numbers. I made it to the car and through almost two phone calls before I lost it. It really hits in a million unexpected ways that we are without our son. 

However, Christmas is still coming, Emmanuel will be celebrated in our house. God is with us and we can rest in Him even when we struggle. I'm thankful that He has and continues to do mighty works for us. My little girl Olivia just turned 6, the age I was when I was diagnosed with Leukemia, and at this moment she is healthy so I will be thankful for that. Every time I braid or fix her hair I'm reminded of the days I was without hair as a little 6 year old and I'm thankful that my little girl has the opportunity to do her hair in whatever princess way she chooses. My oldest shows us daily his thoughtfulness towards others, such as when we were checking out at Target with a cart full of presents for his cousins and the woman ahead of us forgot her bag. The cashier was older and was at a loss as to how to catch the woman in time and Will volunteered to get it to her and sprinted across the store to catch the woman before she left without her bag. I'm so thankful that Will really has a big heart and God is shaping him into a great boy after His heart. I'm also thankful for Luke, who continues to live up to the meaning behind his name "light." He truly is a sweet little light to me and others and can really make me laugh or melt on days I need it most. God has blessed us so much and continuing to focus on his blessings keeps me moving forward. 

My sister Kate surprised us all and sent us tickets to The Nutcracker. I was able to introduce Will and Olivia and even Mark to one of my favorite traditions growing up. My dad and I used to go together annually and it was my big daddy daughter date with him. I was slightly obsessed with the ballet and dressed up as Clara one year for Halloween and another year I went as the Sugar plumb fairy. It was fun to watch Olivia's face in the scene where the tree and all the furniture grow! It was a great time with our bigger two.

We even had the opportunity to meet our newest nephew Carter last Tuesday and get some much needed snuggles in. It was a little emotional to go back to Shawnee Mission Medical Center, but it was worth it to meet the newest little one. Also, as my husband pointed out, it was good for all of us to have some positive associations with that hospital.

Saturday we were able to go out as a family and find a stocking to hang for Gideon. We know he will not be celebrating here, but we can be reminded of him as we go about our traditions and celebrations. Most of all we can take moments to remember the grander celebration taking place in Heaven!

I continue to have physical struggles with my pregnancy but I'm managing to make it all work. We are seeing a light at the end of the tunnel as I'm now 32 weeks! I scheduled my pre-admission appointment for St Luke's South for the beginning of January. I know the weeks will go fast and slow at the same time leading up to Eli's big day, but we are ready to welcome this next blessing!