Looking Up

I lift up my eyes to you,
    to you who sit enthroned in Heaven.
Psalm 123:1

The last few days have been full of memories and emotions as the days drew nearer to the ultrasound for this one, the 29th and the anniversary of Gideon's ultrasound, 30th that began our hard journey. Last year we were completely blind sided by the news that our little one was not well. The symptoms started getting listed off- clenched fists, kidneys in a horseshoe shape, abnormalities with the heart, strawberry shaped head, cysts on the brain, low weight-probably due to a poor sucking reflex. I remember so much of it like it was yesterday. So walking into the appointment yesterday took a great deal of courage and I'll admit there were many emotional breakdowns over the weekend leading up to it.

I attempted to keep myself busy, but sometimes the busy can remind me of last year as well. We had done the ultrasound, amniocentesis, and received the initial results before the first weekend in October. That weekend my Mother in law had a fun run at the zoo and offered to treat us to an afternoon at the zoo after her run was over and we were out of church, since it took place on a Sunday that year. So we distracted ourselves for a short period of time by watching our children enjoy all the animals. This year the run occurred a week earlier and on a Saturday so we were invited to join the family at the zoo once again. It was wonderful to distract myself and watch the kids enjoy the animals, but parts of the day reminded me of all the emotions last year.

On Monday night I was able to attend my BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) study on Revelation. Part of me knows that had I not undergone everything with Gideon I may not have been as excited to dive into this book of the Bible. It was wonderful to spend time in the word and talking about it with like minded women. The theme of the study is keeping our focus on the centrality of God and how He wins the day. If we keep our eyes on Jesus we can have patient faithfulness and persevere whatever is thrown our way. The message of hope was perfect the night before the big scan, I felt God whispering that all is well no matter what shows up!

Mark met me at Children's Mercy for our appointment on Tuesday and we were able to walk into the scan room together. The tech was extremely thorough and spent a great deal of time going through all of the problem spots we looked at with Gideon. First off we looked at our little one to try to spot gender but someone was being a little stubborn so we went to his hands. My heart leapt with joy when she pointed out that his hands were opened, showing that we could cross clenched fists off our concerns. Then we were able to spot that we were definitely having a boy!!! We also looked at his kidneys which were not horseshoe and his head was regularly shaped and clear of any cysts. We spent quite a bit of time trying to get some good heart views, once we did, all looked regularly shaped and blood was flowing like it should instead of mixing and staying stagnant. Most of all Mark and I noticed little boy was measuring around a week ahead of schedule. Also the tech pointed out that baby boy was trying to suck on his umbilical cord, so no worries on his sucking reflex.

It was amazing to share with the nurse that was there with us last year how relieved we felt after seeing all the positive signs. She was excited for us and the fact that this little boy is due only one day after his big brother Gideon's due date. What a difference it feels to walk out of that office smiling, joking, and even laughing. I recalled something said at the Bible study from the night before, how much we will enjoy a renewed Eden coming someday even more, knowing all the hardship that took place from sin that took place in the original Eden. I know everything with this pregnancy is a bit sweeter knowing all the heartache we experienced with Gideon. Even for all the sadness we had with Gideon I would still choose him all over again. I'm so thankful God gave us those 18 weeks between his diagnosis and his birth to enjoy the minutes and hours Gideon remained with us. I love showing the victory we had in even getting those 18 weeks with Gideon, my doctor had never experienced a baby diagnosed with Trisomy 18 making it to 38 weeks. I'm thankful that these next weeks will be different with this one, but in many important ways we have changed how we view this little one. We are grateful for the days we have with him and our focus will remain on our baby and not on all the things we used to think were so important in getting ready for birth.

We still face my typical challenges of pain and contractions, so prayers are still needed that little guy can stay put until it's time for him to be born. I will need to continue to look to God daily and surrender all the plans I may have in order to do what is best for baby and our family. Forcing myself to slow down and not overdo it on housework or unnecessary activities. Thank you to all who have and continue to keep us in prayer! We will continue to look upwards and know that God alone has his timing and He alone knows how our story will be written. Looking forward to a very different February

Making Room For Fun

I think the day the calendar changed to the month of September I felt a cloud hanging over me a little bit. My mind continually flashes back to the contrast between this September and the last one. At the beginning of last September we thought everything was pretty normal. I'd had some pain and a few sessions of contractions. I was starting to plan in my mind how I would work more sitting around into my schedule in order to ward off contractions. I had no idea what was heading our way and in my little world I had a plan and a way to somewhat control the outcome of my pregnancy. Oh how September 30, 2014 changed our world forever.

At that level 2 ultrasound that seemed to last forever, I remember us chalking it up to our child being stubborn just like his older siblings. But those serious faces and tissues came out and we knew all was not right in our world. I can still remember the doctor listing off the first few things that popped up on the ultrasound that concerned them. Then him asking us if we were familiar with a condition called Edwards Syndrome or Trisomy 18? I remember just feeling like rewinding the appointment and starting over. I wanted desperately for them to go back through the whole appointment and for them to figure out they'd made a horrible mistake. I remember crying into my Chipotle burrito bowl and not really eating much of it.

We got the call from the same office just a week or so ago and we scheduled our level 2 for this little one. This time our ultrasound is scheduled for the 29th of September, eerily close to the 30th. I know dates mean nothing to God and He knows what will be found out. This time we go into our appointment hopeful but no longer feeling totally in control of the outcome. I pray for this child as I did for all of mine. It was not a lack of prayer, faith, or belief that took our Gideon from us. I still feel that tug toward Heaven when these dates approach. I still don't have all the answers by any means, but I know that more of my heart is in Heaven and waiting more expectantly for the day when I get to return to my true home. All of these feelings of missing Gideon and being led forward with this little one has put me in a weird mood.

I had been looking forward to the weekend my parents were to come for my cousin's wedding for a bit, but all of a sudden I started giving into all my fears. What if I do too much and am up all night in pain? What if I'm on my feet too much at the wedding and send myself into non stop contractions-I've sent myself to the hospital overnight by just giving kids a bath in the past. What if I have too much pain or am in the hospital with contractions and can't go to the circus (we received free tickets from Mark's coworker for that Sunday evening)? I finally broke down at one point and told Mark "I just don't want to do anything fun this weekend, I just want to get in my comfy clothes and lay in bed all weekend! Can't anyone understand that I'm not in the mood for fun?" To which my wise husband responded "Did you ever think maybe you need a little fun? You know your parents (and whole family) is great about bringing the fun!" I hate it when he's right but I did need a big dose of fun to pull me out of my funk!

My family's fun train pulled in around 9:30pm on Thursday night and they brought the fun! My parents and brother Daniel and sister Maya stayed with us at our house so we were literally making room for the fun. They surprised the kids in the morning by greeting them as they groggily walked down the stairs, ate breakfast with them, and then walked them to school (and this mommy got to sit in a completely quiet house while they walked to school-it was bliss). They also surprised Will by showing up for lunch on Friday. Later in the day we all spent the beautiful afternoon playing out front with kites and Daniel helped Will with his basketball skills (while I sat watching from a lawn chair)! That night while my parents were off at the rehearsal dinner, the kids watched a movie with Maya and Daniel and ate some puppy chow.

Maymay and Will

PawPaw and Will

                                 

Flying Kites with Maymay

Saturday morning we ended up going to the park and then came home and got ready for the wedding. We attended the wedding, and thankfully the kids did not disrupt the ceremony upon threat that they would not get any chocolate at the reception if they did. Then after some pictures we went to the reception where the kids enjoyed a children's buffet of chicken fingers and fries and of course some "Aunt Cake" chocolates-My sister Kate Weiser is an awesome chocolatier and she brought over 650 bonbons to the wedding-along with a secret stash she kept at the table we were sitting at! Olivia took a bit to warm up to dancing, but at one point she found her confidence and we had to practically drag her off the dance floor when we finally left around 10:30pm.

All 3 ready to go to the wedding!

They did a great job entertaining themselves prior to the ceremony

A few Kate Weiser Chocolates!

The next day we saw off my family and headed off to church. Then around 3:30pm we headed off for the circus. To say our kids were ready for bed by the time we got home around 8pm on Sunday is an understatement! We all had a great weekend that we will not soon forget!

Everyone on the edge of their seats!

Luke loved the " L-phants"

Olivia got to play circus dress up!

Will got to sit on one of the motorcycles that was used later on in the show

I'd say the more amazing part was that I did not contract more than a few hours at night on Friday. I also did not contract much the rest of the weekend and my doctor agreed with me on Monday that it was pretty huge for me to not be contracting when I showed up to my appointment. At my appointment this little one had another great strong heartbeat and I got some meds to help with pain when it wakes me up at night. I'm still not out of the woods completely as I've had more contractions, pain, and pre-seizure auras since that weekend. However, I know God paved the way for us to have a fun weekend to break up the monotony of counting down the weeks of pregnancy we have left. I have to laugh at how much I fought the concept of having fun. I can hear God saying something my parents used to say, more like yelled it which makes it even funnier, to my sister and I when we were grumpy on vacation..."Come on just have some fun!"...still don't know why I drag my feet sometimes, but I'm glad I have people in my life who can wake me up to all I could miss out on!

Please keep praying for us as we approach September 29th and especially September 30th and the beginning of October as that's when everything started showing up last year! Praying I can hold onto the joy I experienced over the weekend and remember that God does not desire me to remain in the pit or in fear...He loves me and protects me and he offers that same promise to all who trust in Him!

This verse is one that was shared during a bible study I did on Gideon a few years ago! It just seems so fitting and a great reminder that God cares and wants us to have joy!

The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves.

He will take great delight in you;   

in his love he will no longer rebuke you,   

but will rejoice over you with singing.”

Zephaniah 3:17

18 weeks down
The Same dress I wore at Gideon's service
Looking a little different with a baby bump

7 months

He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
 but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:29-31

Another 31st has come around and I can't help but reflect on the passing of another month. I live with a conflicted heart about the passing of time. I want time to pass quickly so I can move past the physical pain from my pregnancy, and get to meet our next little one. Yet at the same time I don't want to be taken further away from our short time with Gideon. I know I'm not alone in the struggle with time as many moms long for time to stand still a little longer as they watch their children grow all too fast before their eyes. I still remember the births of each of my children and the various things my doctor or nurses remarked about them. Both Will and Luke received comments on the sheer volume of their hair, especially Luke who could pull off all kinds of crazy hair styles right after birth. While Olivia, received comments about her adorable chubby cheeks. 

Luke around 2 months old

Will at 1 year

Olivia only hours old

Of course Gideon's birth was a little quieter but their were sweet looks and mentions of his perfect little feet and about how incredibly adorable he was. He looked at peace from the moment he entered our arms until he went to be with Jesus. I think my biggest fear going into delivery was the idea of having to watch him struggle. However by the grace of God there was never a struggle and in some ways I'm thankful for that. There were only sweet moments of holding our little boy and soaking in all that we could.

I can say seven months out that my and Mark's grief looks different than it did initially, but it's still there. There are moments when a song comes on the radio or a sermon at our church hits a nerve and we feel it all over again. It can sneak up on us in the strangest places...the other day I had a hard study session with our kindergartner who refused to write a single number between 1 and 5. She knows her numbers orally but we are still working on the writing aspect. I had a moment of total over reaction and it was for more than her stubbornness, but more for the fact that I felt I had failed her...maybe she inherited my hatred of all things related to math...that I am a bad mom for not making her write numbers endlessly all summer....the idea that she's going to fail Kindergarten after only 10 days of school (I know I was just that far gone emotionally-and in reality after a few days of daily practice she's writing 1-5 just fine but check in with me next week and my husband and I may be convincing her again that "Elsa from Frozen knows how to write her numbers")...but all that over reaction finally landed at the source....did I not do enough for my Gideon? If I failed her then surely I failed to do more for Gideon to possibly extend his life beyond mere minutes. I know every time I go down that rabbit trail my husband, who is more on the realistic side of life, grounds me by reminding me that we couldn't have done more. Gideon was not breathing and what would it have given us to be more aggressive? A few hours of life where I wouldn't see or hold him in the NICU? These rabbit trails happen at the strangest times and are very hard to get out of.

For me another trigger is my pregnancy pain...it triggers vivid memories of all the times I bargained with God that I'd stay in pain for much longer if it meant Gideon would remain safe. This pregnancy is very similar to all my pregnancies...first comes the quick positive test and the happy dance of being pregnant...then in a few weeks comes the "I thought I wanted to eat that tonight but the smell is driving me nuts right now" (So my normal organization of weekly meal planning goes to planning a few days at a time)...then comes the pain (Yes I've tried almost every concept under the sun to fix this issue from rest, water, staying out of heat, lying on my left side (the magical side to lay on), Tylenol, Pilates, chiropractics, maternity belts, etc.)...next come contractions (My way too realistic braxton hicks that typically increase consistently in intensity and time until they drop off around hour 5-I refuse to even call the doctor until I'm going longer than 5 hours) Right now I'm emotionally trying to handle the fact that this pregnancy feels like it did with Gideon, but no shoe has dropped yet.

I thought once we had the blood test that it would be smooth sailing for me emotionally. However I think between the pain cutting my sleep short and the fact that pain at any level for days on end is hard, my mind gravitates and pulls me to the not so fun thoughts. I think I'm still waiting to feel confident that nothing will go wrong, but once your world has been rocked you don't quite feel that confidence as much. I am confident in the truths of the Bible and that God is for us. However, I'm also very much aware of how little control I have in this life. I'm aware that at any point, at any scan, or test something could happen or something could be detected.

Once again it's a daily choice to live in faith or fear...it really all boils down to that. The only hope I have to survive the day is to intentionally wake up before the kids, so hard to do as someone who'd rather sleep in, and get some time in God's word and talk to him before life happens. It's in those early minutes that I'm standing on God's truth that I know I'm not alone in this life. God is with me and walking beside me as I go, and when the scary thoughts come I can turn to him and talk. Even if it is to cry that I still don't understand-I only see a part of it all but he knows the whole story.

Just this last Sunday we sang a song at church that still gets to me every time I hear it! If you are going through a hard time or just need to be reminded of some basic truth I suggest you check it out!

Still by Hillsong

https://youtu.be/O6Fw8DgvTQA

Milestones

But from everlasting to everlasting

    the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,

    and his righteousness with their children’s children—

18 

with those who keep his covenant

    and remember to obey his precepts.

Psalm 103:17-18

We've been in the midst of big milestones for our kids and family lately. I realize more and more how blessed we are with the beautiful children God has granted us. I often speak of Gideon but my older kids are such sweet blessings as well. We sent off our big 2nd grader, Will, off to school on Wednesday. He has grown so much over the past year physically, emotionally, and in his faith. He still amazes me with his helpfulness. The first full day of school he needed to bring his lunch, he had it all made up and packed before I remembered to remind him to make it. Often when he can tell my stomach is bothering me, he will say "mommy you rest, I can clean everything." He is always thinking big thoughts and trying to deduce how everything works. He loves to help in the kitchen or guess the ingredients I used to make dinner on any given night. Will has a soft heart, and is always working hard...I'm looking forward to seeing how much more God will teach and grow him this year. The name William means "determined protector" and we see more and more how the name is the perfect representation of the big boy he is growing into. He is a determined protector of his younger siblings and also his friends both big and small.

                                                                  


Thursday was the day we sent our Kindergartner, Olivia, off to school last week. This is the first year that Olivia will be in a formal school setting. It made me a little nervous for Olivia as she is used to being led by her big brother, and not the leader herself in many areas of life. She is my girl, she's shy to start but once she feels at ease she is not afraid to speak up, a quality Mark loves to remind me is very much woven into my personality as well. She has an excellent memory and has already shown that in our Sunday school setting. She loves being the first to arrive to class and any time the teacher asks for her to be a helper. She's also a wealth of information on every detail of her time at school, so very different from having a boy who tells me bits and pieces of his day. She may appear quiet to acquaintances but she has a very determined and passionate spirit lurking just under the surface. She has her opinions and has recently let me know that she is sad that she wasn't given a princess name like her friends Jasmine and Aurora. She may not share a Disney character's name but she's definitely a princess at home. I'm looking forward to seeing her come out of her shell more outside of the house and stand on her own two feet. I know God is growing her into a girl after His heart!



We celebrated our little Luke who turned 3 years old on Friday. Along with turning 3, we also started Luke in a toddler bed...which the first few nights he was afraid of falling out of it... and not a fan of being bumped from baby status. This is the first 3rd birthday we've celebrated without having a baby in the house. It was nice to be able to celebrate his birthday with a Thomas party with friends the Saturday before his birthday. Then on his actual birthday night we went with extended family to Fritz's-a restaurant geared towards those obsessed with trains, as the meal is brought to the table by a model train that runs on tracks running throughout the restaurant. I think we hit the mark with Fritz's as Luke and his cousins were fascinated by the trains all over the place. Luke is such a happy kid who is always the entertainer. He is adept at sensing emotions and moods and is always striving to make us all smile. He is a very smart boy who is always striving to keep up with his big siblings. I know God is shaping him, and I look forward to seeing how he uses his social skills for God's glory.

                                            

Our milestones did not end with Luke. Monday I had my next prenatal appointment at 14 weeks along-so excited for the second trimester-one third of the way done! I was brave and scheduled my appointment at the only office location that does not have an ultrasound machine. So if we didn't pick baby up on dopplar I'd either have to say good enough, or most likely drive to another location all together. My doctor came in with the dopplar and the minute the dopplar hit my stomach I heard the loud thundering sound of our little one's heart beat. It was such a relief to have such a sure sign that baby is growing and still going strong. With each appointment and each week crossed off we are inching our way toward February. I still have pain, enough pain that I wake up in the night and have trouble going back to sleep...sleep is huge with my epilepsy as that's one of my major triggers... so my doctor is trying a new medicine for me that is not quite as strong as the stuff I normally take towards the end of my pregnancy....unfortunately I'm not sure if I will stick with the medicine for very long as it gave me crazy insomnia on my first night taking it-the opposite result I was hoping for. I'm still trying to remain thankful for the pain as it's Mark and I's main sign that baby is growing, although I'm hoping for kicks in a few more weeks as a nicer sign of baby doing ok. So while we still have to find ways to make life work until the end, we remain grateful for this huge blessing to look forward to!

Even with all of our recent milestones I know one is approaching in September for us. It was last year at the end of September that our hard journey with Gideon began. I can't help but wonder had we had more time with Gideon what kind of child he would have been, what his personality would have been? As we look forward to our ultrasound this time, I also remember back to last September. I remember the words and the emotions that filled that day for us. We are hoping that this little one's story will be different, but we also know only God holds the answers. Please remain in prayer for us as we approach this level 2 sonogram. There are still unknowns that could be uncovered, such as the threat of neural tube defects which is a real possibility with my epilepsy medicine...thankfully so far we have not had to confront any of those possibilities with any of our children. We know we serve a good God whatever the result, and that helps us to remain at peace and hopeful. We still tell our children we hope to take this baby home but we do not know anything for sure... but no matter what we know baby is in God's hands!