Looking Up

I lift up my eyes to you,
    to you who sit enthroned in Heaven.
Psalm 123:1

The last few days have been full of memories and emotions as the days drew nearer to the ultrasound for this one, the 29th and the anniversary of Gideon's ultrasound, 30th that began our hard journey. Last year we were completely blind sided by the news that our little one was not well. The symptoms started getting listed off- clenched fists, kidneys in a horseshoe shape, abnormalities with the heart, strawberry shaped head, cysts on the brain, low weight-probably due to a poor sucking reflex. I remember so much of it like it was yesterday. So walking into the appointment yesterday took a great deal of courage and I'll admit there were many emotional breakdowns over the weekend leading up to it.

I attempted to keep myself busy, but sometimes the busy can remind me of last year as well. We had done the ultrasound, amniocentesis, and received the initial results before the first weekend in October. That weekend my Mother in law had a fun run at the zoo and offered to treat us to an afternoon at the zoo after her run was over and we were out of church, since it took place on a Sunday that year. So we distracted ourselves for a short period of time by watching our children enjoy all the animals. This year the run occurred a week earlier and on a Saturday so we were invited to join the family at the zoo once again. It was wonderful to distract myself and watch the kids enjoy the animals, but parts of the day reminded me of all the emotions last year.

On Monday night I was able to attend my BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) study on Revelation. Part of me knows that had I not undergone everything with Gideon I may not have been as excited to dive into this book of the Bible. It was wonderful to spend time in the word and talking about it with like minded women. The theme of the study is keeping our focus on the centrality of God and how He wins the day. If we keep our eyes on Jesus we can have patient faithfulness and persevere whatever is thrown our way. The message of hope was perfect the night before the big scan, I felt God whispering that all is well no matter what shows up!

Mark met me at Children's Mercy for our appointment on Tuesday and we were able to walk into the scan room together. The tech was extremely thorough and spent a great deal of time going through all of the problem spots we looked at with Gideon. First off we looked at our little one to try to spot gender but someone was being a little stubborn so we went to his hands. My heart leapt with joy when she pointed out that his hands were opened, showing that we could cross clenched fists off our concerns. Then we were able to spot that we were definitely having a boy!!! We also looked at his kidneys which were not horseshoe and his head was regularly shaped and clear of any cysts. We spent quite a bit of time trying to get some good heart views, once we did, all looked regularly shaped and blood was flowing like it should instead of mixing and staying stagnant. Most of all Mark and I noticed little boy was measuring around a week ahead of schedule. Also the tech pointed out that baby boy was trying to suck on his umbilical cord, so no worries on his sucking reflex.

It was amazing to share with the nurse that was there with us last year how relieved we felt after seeing all the positive signs. She was excited for us and the fact that this little boy is due only one day after his big brother Gideon's due date. What a difference it feels to walk out of that office smiling, joking, and even laughing. I recalled something said at the Bible study from the night before, how much we will enjoy a renewed Eden coming someday even more, knowing all the hardship that took place from sin that took place in the original Eden. I know everything with this pregnancy is a bit sweeter knowing all the heartache we experienced with Gideon. Even for all the sadness we had with Gideon I would still choose him all over again. I'm so thankful God gave us those 18 weeks between his diagnosis and his birth to enjoy the minutes and hours Gideon remained with us. I love showing the victory we had in even getting those 18 weeks with Gideon, my doctor had never experienced a baby diagnosed with Trisomy 18 making it to 38 weeks. I'm thankful that these next weeks will be different with this one, but in many important ways we have changed how we view this little one. We are grateful for the days we have with him and our focus will remain on our baby and not on all the things we used to think were so important in getting ready for birth.

We still face my typical challenges of pain and contractions, so prayers are still needed that little guy can stay put until it's time for him to be born. I will need to continue to look to God daily and surrender all the plans I may have in order to do what is best for baby and our family. Forcing myself to slow down and not overdo it on housework or unnecessary activities. Thank you to all who have and continue to keep us in prayer! We will continue to look upwards and know that God alone has his timing and He alone knows how our story will be written. Looking forward to a very different February

Making Room For Fun

I think the day the calendar changed to the month of September I felt a cloud hanging over me a little bit. My mind continually flashes back to the contrast between this September and the last one. At the beginning of last September we thought everything was pretty normal. I'd had some pain and a few sessions of contractions. I was starting to plan in my mind how I would work more sitting around into my schedule in order to ward off contractions. I had no idea what was heading our way and in my little world I had a plan and a way to somewhat control the outcome of my pregnancy. Oh how September 30, 2014 changed our world forever.

At that level 2 ultrasound that seemed to last forever, I remember us chalking it up to our child being stubborn just like his older siblings. But those serious faces and tissues came out and we knew all was not right in our world. I can still remember the doctor listing off the first few things that popped up on the ultrasound that concerned them. Then him asking us if we were familiar with a condition called Edwards Syndrome or Trisomy 18? I remember just feeling like rewinding the appointment and starting over. I wanted desperately for them to go back through the whole appointment and for them to figure out they'd made a horrible mistake. I remember crying into my Chipotle burrito bowl and not really eating much of it.

We got the call from the same office just a week or so ago and we scheduled our level 2 for this little one. This time our ultrasound is scheduled for the 29th of September, eerily close to the 30th. I know dates mean nothing to God and He knows what will be found out. This time we go into our appointment hopeful but no longer feeling totally in control of the outcome. I pray for this child as I did for all of mine. It was not a lack of prayer, faith, or belief that took our Gideon from us. I still feel that tug toward Heaven when these dates approach. I still don't have all the answers by any means, but I know that more of my heart is in Heaven and waiting more expectantly for the day when I get to return to my true home. All of these feelings of missing Gideon and being led forward with this little one has put me in a weird mood.

I had been looking forward to the weekend my parents were to come for my cousin's wedding for a bit, but all of a sudden I started giving into all my fears. What if I do too much and am up all night in pain? What if I'm on my feet too much at the wedding and send myself into non stop contractions-I've sent myself to the hospital overnight by just giving kids a bath in the past. What if I have too much pain or am in the hospital with contractions and can't go to the circus (we received free tickets from Mark's coworker for that Sunday evening)? I finally broke down at one point and told Mark "I just don't want to do anything fun this weekend, I just want to get in my comfy clothes and lay in bed all weekend! Can't anyone understand that I'm not in the mood for fun?" To which my wise husband responded "Did you ever think maybe you need a little fun? You know your parents (and whole family) is great about bringing the fun!" I hate it when he's right but I did need a big dose of fun to pull me out of my funk!

My family's fun train pulled in around 9:30pm on Thursday night and they brought the fun! My parents and brother Daniel and sister Maya stayed with us at our house so we were literally making room for the fun. They surprised the kids in the morning by greeting them as they groggily walked down the stairs, ate breakfast with them, and then walked them to school (and this mommy got to sit in a completely quiet house while they walked to school-it was bliss). They also surprised Will by showing up for lunch on Friday. Later in the day we all spent the beautiful afternoon playing out front with kites and Daniel helped Will with his basketball skills (while I sat watching from a lawn chair)! That night while my parents were off at the rehearsal dinner, the kids watched a movie with Maya and Daniel and ate some puppy chow.

Maymay and Will

PawPaw and Will

                                 

Flying Kites with Maymay

Saturday morning we ended up going to the park and then came home and got ready for the wedding. We attended the wedding, and thankfully the kids did not disrupt the ceremony upon threat that they would not get any chocolate at the reception if they did. Then after some pictures we went to the reception where the kids enjoyed a children's buffet of chicken fingers and fries and of course some "Aunt Cake" chocolates-My sister Kate Weiser is an awesome chocolatier and she brought over 650 bonbons to the wedding-along with a secret stash she kept at the table we were sitting at! Olivia took a bit to warm up to dancing, but at one point she found her confidence and we had to practically drag her off the dance floor when we finally left around 10:30pm.

All 3 ready to go to the wedding!

They did a great job entertaining themselves prior to the ceremony

A few Kate Weiser Chocolates!

The next day we saw off my family and headed off to church. Then around 3:30pm we headed off for the circus. To say our kids were ready for bed by the time we got home around 8pm on Sunday is an understatement! We all had a great weekend that we will not soon forget!

Everyone on the edge of their seats!

Luke loved the " L-phants"

Olivia got to play circus dress up!

Will got to sit on one of the motorcycles that was used later on in the show

I'd say the more amazing part was that I did not contract more than a few hours at night on Friday. I also did not contract much the rest of the weekend and my doctor agreed with me on Monday that it was pretty huge for me to not be contracting when I showed up to my appointment. At my appointment this little one had another great strong heartbeat and I got some meds to help with pain when it wakes me up at night. I'm still not out of the woods completely as I've had more contractions, pain, and pre-seizure auras since that weekend. However, I know God paved the way for us to have a fun weekend to break up the monotony of counting down the weeks of pregnancy we have left. I have to laugh at how much I fought the concept of having fun. I can hear God saying something my parents used to say, more like yelled it which makes it even funnier, to my sister and I when we were grumpy on vacation..."Come on just have some fun!"...still don't know why I drag my feet sometimes, but I'm glad I have people in my life who can wake me up to all I could miss out on!

Please keep praying for us as we approach September 29th and especially September 30th and the beginning of October as that's when everything started showing up last year! Praying I can hold onto the joy I experienced over the weekend and remember that God does not desire me to remain in the pit or in fear...He loves me and protects me and he offers that same promise to all who trust in Him!

This verse is one that was shared during a bible study I did on Gideon a few years ago! It just seems so fitting and a great reminder that God cares and wants us to have joy!

The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves.

He will take great delight in you;   

in his love he will no longer rebuke you,   

but will rejoice over you with singing.”

Zephaniah 3:17

18 weeks down
The Same dress I wore at Gideon's service
Looking a little different with a baby bump