Chasing God's Rainbows: From White Knuckles to Peace

As a child I was a frequent flier with my family. My dad traveled for work and racked up the frequent flier miles... so we, my mom and sister and I, reaped the benefits of all those miles. We traveled to many states and various types of destinations. What is most etched into my memory however are the flights. My sister and I had a routine of bringing way too many toys in our carry-on bags, because we were determined to not become bored at any point during the flight... even if it meant that mom and dad would eventually have to carry our bags for us. We always ordered ginger ale and my sister always charmed the stewards and stewardesses into finding the pistachios for her among the mixed nuts offered as the in flight snack. My biggest memory is that I was always extremely nervous during take off, it didn't matter that I'd gone through the drill so many times without any consequences. Even though I had all this familiarity I still white knuckled my arm rest until we were safely in the air.

These days I'm currently white knuckling life until we have safely arrived at Gideon's anniversary, January 31st. There are a lot of things we are sorting out in the short time between now and the end of January. We are still trying to crack the code on my seizures. I had several days of small seizures in the mornings around a week ago, accompanied with an overwhelming need to sleep. Thankfully Mark was able to help me by finding creative times for me to sleep. I finally made it back to my doctor to discuss medication and he took me off the previous medication that was causing my insomnia, and most likely instigating my current small seizures. He was able to find a new one to put me on. This one however has complex side effects to watch out for, including cognitive impairment (such as not being able to verbalize what I'm thinking of...really hoping as a mom that I don't have to deal with that lovely side effect...my children are in constant need of clear instruction!) I'm hoping that I reap only the positive benefits of the medicine -shutting down the small partial seizures before they ramp up into another grand mal!

On top of the daily concern over my seizures we are gearing up for Mark to leave for New York for a week for his first work trip since 2010 when we only had two kids...to think I was stressed then with just a preschooler and baby... at that time I didn't realize how simple my life was since I didn't even have to deal with school and extra curriculars. Thankfully Mark talked his boss out of the original plan to keep him from Wed to Wed, therefore keeping him away from home over a weekend and consequently away on Gideon's anniversary as well. Not only am I planning for the mere survival of me and my crew, but also for Mark. Mark discovered on his first work trip that he often passes out at high altitudes. Mark's calm and no nonsense plan for this issue is to inform the flight attendant to wake him up when he arrives. I will feel much better when I know he has safely gotten off the plane and to his hotel. (I've had dreams where he just keeps traveling on the airplane around the world all the while unconscious.)

As if the two above situations were not enough, we are also both still battling the grief that tends to resurface this time of year. So many little things can bring back memories of Gideon...Snow, Facebook memories, certain songs, passing the hospital where we had Gideon, etc. Even my Bible study last week really got to me when it covered Jesus' raising of Lazarus, John 11. I often overlook the preceding part to the actual miracle. He stays behind a couple days after receiving word that Lazurus is severely ill, then travels to where Martha and Mary are knowing that Lazurus has already passed away. He has very personal conversations with both Martha and Mary who are in the midst of their grief. Even though Jesus knew his plan is to raise Lazarus he still felt such compassion for Martha and Mary and their grief that he wept.

Jesus wept. John 11.35

That one verse brings such comfort to me, especially right now. Even though Gideon is safely in Heaven, Jesus still has compassion for our hurt and our grief over our separation from our son. Jesus allows room for tears even though hope remains and wins the day. In the end we know where Gideon is and we know we will see him again, but we still have room to miss him.

You number my wanderings;Put my tears into Your bottle;Are they not in Your book? Psalm 56.8

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34.18

More and more I'm thankful that Jesus made sure this is not the end of the story...that He is the Resurrection and the life.

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die John 11.25

God doesn't want me to white knuckle life, He desires all to come to Him and live a life filled with His peace!

27 Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.
John 14.27

We appreciate any and all prayers for my seizures, Mark's upcoming trip, and our family as we head into the end of January. I'm so thankful to all who have and continue to lift us up in prayer. God is good all the time!

This time of year this specific passage brings such comfort to me!

13 But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope. 14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep [k]in Jesus. 15 For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive [l]and remain until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16 For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a [m]shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 Then we who are alive [n]and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord. 18 Therefore comfort one another with these words.
1 Thessalonians 4.13-18

I love the imagery used here... Gideon fell asleep surrounded by Mark and I and our family's love to a grand welcome of love in Heaven. One day we will be home together, but until then we will remember him... and continue to celebrate the beautiful children we have been entrusted with and continue to work to draw them to God!

It's been a bit since I posted some kid pictures so here's a little overview of our Christmas in Pictures.