A Block in God’s Quilt
I’ve enjoyed quilting for the last 11 years and it’s always provided a great mental escape for me. It also helps to grow my patience as it takes a great deal of time to make. You start with a variety of fabrics of various colors and styles and sizes. Then you cut and piece and sew pieces together to make blocks in a very specific and planned manner to make a larger pattern until you have a large quilt. I love to think of each of our lives as one small block in the larger beautiful quilt God is crafting for his glory. When we choose to join him and follow His lead we get the joy of seeing the beauty of what He’s creating.
The Quilt pictured here is known in the quilting community as storm at sea. It appears as there are waves in motion. However in order to create this illusion you don’t need to make a single curved piece, on the contrary it’s made up of various triangles that are only giving the illusion of a storm. I know God in heaven is weaving all of the tiny seemingly insignificant moments of our day into these mighty moments for his glory if we only follow his lead. No beginner would dare take on this project, it takes a very precise cut and stitch to get the seams to meet up just so. In much the same way God has sown so many of my life experiences layering one upon another to assist me in tackling harder and harder things and hopefully in the process pointing others to him.
I love the title as it paints such a vivid word picture. There are so many storms I’ve encountered in my life as a girl and later as a woman with my husband Mark by my side. However the one constant through all these storms has been God. He has been the calm in the storm and he has remained our comfort. Just as someday when I complete this quilt, it will be our comfort during a harsh Kansas winter night. I hope to show you what I’ve discovered upon going through my life events, that God continues to quilt together wonder, hope, and kindness in order to draw me to Him.
I began my life as a feisty little girl...some, including my parents, would call me strong willed. I developed a love for the Chicago Bears, cooking, dolls, ballet, and dress up. My little sister Kate arrived in the world almost two years later and we became fast friends, although we are complete opposites in personality. Our little world seemed pretty nice with my mom and dad and my sister and I, we settled in Shawnee, KS before I began elementary school. However, God had built my personality with tenacity for a specific reason. (I try to remember God’s uses for my strong will when I’m raising my own little strong willed children. There are countless ways God could use their determination whether it’s in missions in far off places or standing firm in a shifting culture.)
Psalm 139 is a great reminder that God knows why he forms us and what our days will contain.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
Psalm 139.13-18
III. It was the summer after my Kindergarten year and we were in Chicago for my Graver grandparent’s 50th Wedding anniversary party. I asked to take a nap in the middle of the party which was odd for my 6 year old self. When I woke up my grandmother commented on my pale skin, I was amongst a huge group of fairskinned people so you could imagine how pale I had to look in order for her to comment. I also had bruising up and down my legs that were unaccounted for.
When we returned to our home in Shawnee my mother took me to the Pediatrician and demanded he run as many tests as it took in order to get to the bottom of what was going on. He initially wanted to brush my mother off, but my mom did not budge. I am so thankful that my mother was determined and became a strong advocate for me. On July 3rd 1990, after multiple blood draws, a spinal tap, and a bone marrow biopsy we discovered I had ALL or Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. It was a rough road that they laid out for me to embark on. I was to go through 3 years of chemotherapy, the first year would be two weeks in hospital IV therapy and two weeks out of the hospital. I basically spent 1st grade in the hospital or isolation working on my school remotely. I made it to remission within the first month and thankfully made it through the first year without any other huge bumps.
I received many visits throughout my chemo treatments from our pastor. I would beg to hear the story of Jesus with the children found in the book of Matthew
13 Then people brought little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on
them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked them.
14 Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”
Matthew 19.13-14
This story brought me so much comfort during this tumultuous time. It’s hard to explain, but I know God was with me so clearly even at the young age of 6. I know now that’s when God first grabbed me and first taught me how to handle crisis through the lense of faith, the wonder of faith would never leave me after. God was building my hope in the midst of darkness, God was teaching me that although things seems uncertain that Heaven is never shaken, God was teaching me that he places people with kindness around us to lift us up. My family had settled my sister and I into a smaller Christian school before my diagnosis and during all of the treatments the school rallied around our family. Families helped bring meals, took my sister out for playdates or overnights, helped support my mom when dad had to go on necessary work trips, and showed us support in many other ways.
We thought the chemotherapy was the biggest challenge we had to face but another issue surfaced one year later. the next July I faced a new challenge. It was a late July day and I was particularly tired so I went to lay down on the couch in our living room to rest. My mom sent my little sister who was 5 at the time to come and retrieve me for dinner. Apparently I had a smirk on my face when she came to get me and I didn't immediately come for dinner. So my mother came to check with me again, but then she realized I wasn’t napping but was unconscious and shortly after that realization I began having seizures. My parents called 911 and I was first transported to Shawnee Mission Med Center where they tried to stabilize me before transporting me to KU Med where my team of doctors were. Over the next hours the situation looked fairly bleak and the doctors began preparing my parents for the worse. The doctors explained that my “quality of life” may not be very good when I woke up or I may not wake up. While they were going through their speal I squeezed my father’s hand and he knew that I was going to be just fine. I woke up after 36 hours, but there was a lot of work to be done before I could return to life as normal. My parents had to teach me how to walk, talk and perform many tasks that we all take for granted. Thankfully by the grace of God I was able to join my classmates for 2nd grade like an average student. The doctors chalked up my seizures to my chemo meds and after several adjustments I was able to complete the next two years of chemo without any further seizure activity and move on with my life. At my end of chemo party my father read the story of Jairus’ daughter for all to hear, as it took on special meaning to him after all we’d gone through.
21 When Jesus had again crossed over by boat to the other side of the lake, a large crowd gathered around him while he was by the lake.22 Then one of the synagogue leaders, named Jairus, came, and when he saw Jesus, he fell at his feet. 23 He pleaded earnestly with him, “My little daughter is dying. Please come and put your hands on her so that she will be healed and live.” 24 So Jesus went with him.
35 While Jesus was still speaking, some people came from the house of Jairus, the synagogue leader. “Your daughter is dead,” they said. “Why bother the teacher anymore?”
36 Overhearing[c] what they said, Jesus told him, “Don’t be afraid; just believe.”
37 He did not let anyone follow him except Peter, James and John the brother of James. 38 When they came to the home of the synagogue leader, Jesus saw a commotion, with people crying and wailing loudly.39 He went in and said to them, “Why all this commotion and wailing? The child is not dead but asleep.” 40 But they laughed at him.
After he put them all out, he took the child’s father and mother and the disciples who were with him, and went in where the child was. 41 He took her by the hand and said to her, “Talitha koum!” (which means “Little girl, I say to you, get up!”). 42 Immediately the girl stood up and began to walk around (she was twelve years old). At this they were completely astonished. 43 He gave strict orders not to let anyone know about this, and told them to give her something to eat.
Mark 5.21-24,35-43
IV. Thankfully I was able to move past my cancer and chemo days and was able to go into my preteen and teen years as a fairly “normal” girl. Aside from some episodes of anxiety and possible PTSD episodes where I zoned out for a few moments and felt a quick heart beat, upset tummy, hearing others in a tunnel, and felt anxious. The episodes would only last a short period and as long as I tried to breath slowly they seemed to end quickly. I was able to develop more hobbies and friendships in band and running groups. I also stayed heavily involved in my church youth group continuing to learn and grow with the kindness of all the youth ministers and volunteers that took the time to pour into me and others. God was teaching me to remain faithful to Him even when my emotions were haywire as they often are in the teen years. He was also teaching me about Godly friendships and what to invest my life in.
In my high school year my parents decided to become involved in foster care with the intent to adopt. We began taking in babies one at a time, but it was an eye opening experience to me and my sheltered world. Over the course of the next few years we took in babies and helped them transition back to their parents or adopted them. We adopted Daniel Isaiah in 2001 and Maya Rose in 2003. Watching both Daniel and Maya grow and blossom has truly been a testament to how good God truly is.
During my senior year of high school, 2001-2002, I remained active in my church and I continued to grow in my relationship with God, and in wonder of what His will was for me as far as what He wanted me to do with my experiences especially with my chemo experience. At the time I believed my calling was toward medical school. I had the hope of going to college the next fall at Rockhurst University. The staff there were excited by my story and wanted to do their part in helping me to get into medical school.
The next thing I knew It was the Saturday before the winter finals. I went to my saxophone lesson even though I was feeling off that morning. When I returned home my head hurt so much and i decided to take a nap to see if it would help my head. A little bit later my family heard a thud and came to my room to find me slumped against my bed and semi lucid. My dad helped me walk down the stairs to his office, but soon after I was there I began having seizures and my parents called an ambulance and had me taken to Children's Mercy. I woke up after 18 hours with a worse headache and confused as to where I was. Once awake my parents recounted that I kept asking about my finals, II needed to take my finals. My parents laugh that I was ready to just jump back into school like business as usual when there were bigger questions that needed answered, like why did I have a seizure so far removed from Chemotherapy if that was the cause of the first big grand mal.
Thankfully my teachers worked with me and had me make up my finals after the winter break. I made it to graduation and onto college at Rockhurst. All the while we worked with a neurologist to figure out what had happened, The consensus was that I now fit the definition of having epilepsy, but the cause was fuzzy. (This would remain true to this day). We also learned that psychologists had mislabeled me as having PTSD for several years prior.
Dealing with seizures and starting college away from home simultaneously was hard on both me and my parents. God always put good friends in my path that would look out for me. Most of all when fears would set in I would turn to God’s word for comfort. I would learn to depend on this verse:
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1.9
Later in my college career after much prayer and discussion I made a switch in majors. I decided my focus was more on helping people through the process of major illnesses rather than playing a role in the healing side so I decided God may want me in more of a social work side of things rather than medical. The main reason I was at Rockhurst was due to their strong rate of medical school admissions. However in so many ways God was showing me that medical school was not my path and so the next chapter began.
While I was to figure out my next steps I decided to transfer to KU. I quickly found a bible study there called Ichthus and a group of friends, more support provided by God. This study was also the place I was first introduced to Mark DeArmond
Mark was a very different kind of guy compared to others I’d met in the past. With other guys I’d dated within my Christian circles there was the back and forth about what church we attended and maybe a discussion on the differences between denominations but there was an overall acceptance that we were Christians. However, Mark never took anything at face value, to him anyone can show up to church, he was more concerned about what happened beyond church and bible study. I still vividly remember walking along Jawyhawk Blvd on our way to eat lunch together and Mark just bluntly asking if I was saved. I remember kind of choking on my words a little as I was caught off guard, we hadn’t covered where we were in the relationship with each other and he wanted to be sure I was in a relationship with Christ personally. To him, and to me, the question of salvation was far more important than our personal desires. I was able to answer yes, but even more so I was able to see the priority he placed on a day to day relationship with Christ. I was very aware that God was showing me that Mark was being brought into my life by His hand. I wonder at the fact that only two weeks before I met Mark that I had been on a retreat with a friend geared toward young adult women and what we should seek in relationships and how we should look for a future spouse that values their relationship with God first and foremost. I knew that God had put Mark there in my life. We did and still do provide a good balance for one another. He was and still is the left brain to my right brain, the practical to my creative, the real world to my dream world. Two months into dating God showed me a very vivid example of what we would be like as partners in a crisis.
We were on a date and I began feeling some crazy pain that was making me double over. Mark was the one to make the call to go to the ER to figure out what was going on. I’d already been to the doctor earlier that afternoon when I had an annoying level of pain just to check things out. The doctor had given me meds for suspected diverticulitis since I had left side pain. The people at the ER ran tests and quizzed me over my history and especially Mark and I’s history together. The doctors did not take me at my word that pregnancy was not possible and even when they had Mark leave the room my answer was still the same. They poked and prodded and figured out several hours later that my issue lay with my appendix. Mark had the fun job of calling my parents who were in Shawnee to tell them I was being rushed into surgery in Lawrence.
Through all the craziness I was completely at peace. Mark had a very calming and reassuring way of helping me through the whole process even when we were both interrogated. I knew God had placed Mark there for a very specific reason and that God knew Mark and I made a good balance for one another.
Not too long after Mark proposed on the Plaza and some time later we were married in the glass chapel at Powell Gardens. We began our married life in a little 500 square foot apartment at KU Married Student Housing..our kitchen was literally in the hallway of the apartment.
A few months later on our first married Valentine’s day morning I was feeling off with a bad stomach ache. I had called into my internship at the Ronald McDonald House to let them know I was sick and would not be coming in that day to work. I headed to the bathroom and remember calling out Mark’s name and then I passed out and started having seizures. Mark called 911 and I was rushed to the hospital. At the hospital I was monitored and then sent home after I was conscious for a short time. They didn’t help to answer any of our questions so we just went back to life as normally as possible.
I was not satisfied with the lack of answers and started researching reasons I would have experienced another seizure while still on medicine that appeared to be working. One possible reason for seizures in women is a shift in hormones. Especially the shift that occurs when you become pregnant. I decided to take a home pregnancy test to rule that out. I still remember staring in disbelief as the sign vividly turned positive. Sure enough our William Matthew or Will came the next October. This pregnancy came about 2 years earlier than our planned timeline, but we knew he was coming in God’s timing, he is truly God’s will. We are constantly reminded of God’s will with this kid.
So we learned many things through this first pregnancy. We learned that the reason we were surprised with this pregnancy was because my anti seizure meds interfered with my birth control, something my neurologist at the time failed to inform me about even though he knew I was a newlywed. We also learned that I can get pregnant fairly easily, something my parents secretly worried about with my chemotherapy past. However, my body really doesn't like being pregnant beyond the second trimester. I had contractions all of the third trimester which meant bed rest and quitting my job at a local daycare center for the sake of keeping Will safe. I had to daily surrender my plans, my desires, my hopes, my ideas of “suppossed to be’s” to God with each of my subsequent pregnancies in order to keep our babies safe. God keeps reteaching me this lesson of surrender and the fact that these troubles I get so wrapped up in the end are not going to be so big in light of eternity!
I really kept these verses in mind during this pregnancy and all to follow:
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.
James 1.2-5
After we graduated college, Me with a bachelor’s in social work and Mark with his bachelor’s in Math with an emphasis in statistics, we moved to the Kansas City area as Mark was offered his first full time job straight out of college. Shortly after getting settled we started family planning again and had Olivia Marie in December of 2009. Right before Olivia turned one we bought our house in Olathe and started planning once again and got pregnant with Luke after a bit.
My Luke pregnancy was harder than the other two, probably more to do with the fact that I was a stay at home mom to a preschooler and toddler while being pregnant. One afternoon at 24 weeks into the pregnancy, I had given Will and Olivia a bath and started getting contractions. The contractions stayed consistent and would not ease even after I tried all my tricks of laying on my left side while guzzling water or sitting in a warm bath tub. So I called in and the nurses sent me to labor and delivery. Thankfully my doctor was on call that day and stepped into my hospital room looked me square in the face and said “What did you do Liz?” This was a pretty typical exchange between Dr G, Dr Gaslightwala and myself. I stayed overnight in the hospital that night while the nurses and my doctor managed to get the contractions to stop. Thankfully I was able to finish out the pregnancy from the comfort of home, but it was a daily struggle to keep from contracting too much. I was put on bed rest, but with my older two, it was more like couch rest. Thankfully Luke was able to stay put until inducement day. However he made Mark and I pause and reevaluate our original plan on 4-5 kids. Mark was not ready to go through the roller coaster that was that pregnancy, but God was working on both of us and what God knew we were going to face soon enough.
After a lot of prayer and talks when Luke was a few months shy of his 2nd Birthday we decided to leave the fourth child decision up to God. We decided to give it a shot and see what happened. God answered swiftly and I was pregnant after just one cycle. We made the announcement to our friends and family using a clip of Jim Gaffigan referring to having a fourth child.
Everyone was excited for us and we went forward in the pregnancy resting in the fact that God would carry us through whatever might come, thinking the hardest part would be some early contractions. However something much bigger was headed our way with this little one.
We went September 30th 2014, to our routine level 2 ultrasound, we do this with each pregnancy because of the medication I take for my epilepsy. We were looking forward to seeing how our little girl was doing-we’d had early scans to make sure things were going ok and the tech at that time had told us it looked like we were expecting a girl. We got to this scan and at first the tech there assured us we were definitely having a boy instead. We were joking that we were having a hard time deciding on boy names and now we needed to open up the discussion on those again. We noticed this scan seemed to be taking a very long time and we didn’t know quite why. Not until the doctor and a nurse came into the room with a box of kleenex.
The doctor started listing off some irregularities, including one irregularity we had already been told about regarding a spot on his brain, that our doctor brushed off as something that would most likely resolve itself before birth. (My OB had also cautioned me to not go on WEB MD, which I promptly disobeyed and scared myself with all the terrifying possibilities. One Possible complication was about to be named aloud by this new doctor) The doctor finished the list of irregularities and then asked us if we’d ever heard of a condition called Edwards Syndrome or Trisomy 18. I’d read about that and I knew a little about it, but the thing that stood out to me was the prognosis was not good. Many with this condition do not make it to their first birthday.. Girls tend to live longer than boys which hit us in the gut as we originally thought we were going to have a girl. Most babies are given minutes or days and in a good scenario a month.
We had scheduled our sonogram so that we could make a date of it. We left the office at the fetal health center holding one another up and stopping occasionally as the weight of it overtook us and we’d just cry while leaning against a nearby wall. After receiving the ground shaking news we both did not have the appetite for our chipotle we had planned for. Instead we sat in stunned silence together
We saw my normal OB later that day and she hugged me and let us both cry. By the time we got home we were exhausted from all the crying and our hope seemed to be lost. We sat and pondered a good name to give our little boy. We knew God still had power to save him or at least use his story for His glory. The name Gideon came to mind almost immediately.
The story of Gideon is powerful and can be found in the book of Judges chapter 6 in the Bible. God called Gideon out to help save the Israelites from the Midianites. God called him a “Valiant Warrior” even though Gideon viewed himself as the weakest member of the weakest tribe. God even took his army and widdled it down to extremely small numbers, but in the end it was by God's hand that all acknowledged that they were saved. We knew our Gideon was weak but that God could still do some mighty things through him.
We went to each of our next big appointments knowing we had God by our side. We did an amniocentisis to confirm the diagnosis of trisomy 18, had several echo ultrasound where we focused on his little heart. The whole of his little life hung on those heart appointments. Trisomy 18 alone was not what was fatal it was the consequences of the misprint to his little organs such as his heart that would determine his prognosis. He had several issue with his little heart. His heart was not connected to his lungs but rather went through his liver which meant the newly oxygenated blood had a longer route to make it back to his heart. Once at his heart there was a large hole in the middle that was letting the non oxygenated and oxygenated blood mix together. So basically it became clearer with each appointment that Gideon was alive because my heart was his heart while he was inside. It was a wonder to my regular doctor as to how long Gideon held out for, she was always worried we would not catch a heartbeat at our appointments. She is not a Christian and told us at a follow up visit that she could see quite clearly how strong our faith was to help us go through all we did with Gideon in the way we did. To think that someone outside of the faith saw what faith in God can truly do means the world to me!
Although God did not save him from his illness, he still did good things through him and continues to. One big thing that happened through our time walking the road with Gideon- is that our eldest started digging into his faith and asking real questions about God. He came to a saving faith just a year after Gideon. I sometimes wonder as to what I will be called to do with Gideon’s story. Someday I may be able to help comfort other mothers and fathers going through this diagnosis and process or I may become a pre-natal hospice worker, the possibilities are still open and I know God will never waste this experience. We also have the hope to be joined with him together again one day in Heaven. People in church and MOPS were a huge help to us, they brought us meals, prayed for us, and offered so much encouragement to us as we walked this road. One kindness was finding mothers, that I met through MOPS who were huge helps as we went through everything. They shared their wisdom and lists of things they wished they had thought to do. Never discount what wisdom you can share with a friend that may make all the difference in the world.
My biggest growing moments in my faith however, came in the dark night moments. When I couldn’t sleep I would talk to God or read the Bible. I talked to God about real questions and felt peace even when I didn’t have real answers. God alone was and continues to be the true source of my light, the only truly kind one even when the world around doesn't make sense, the only one who I can go to with my questions. God knew we would have and say good bye to our Gideon, but he never intended for us to do it alone. He wants to walk next to you in your darkest valley.
We got to meet our little warrior for an extremely short time. He was born quietly and peacefully into the world surrounded by our love and our family waiting in a room right next to us. We got to hear his beautiful heartbeat the entire birth process, even toward the end when we were ready to push my doctor thoughtfully put a monitor on his head so I could continue to hear his heartbeat for as long as possible. He was quiet but still alive for 32 minutes after he was born. So he went straight from our arms to the arms of Jesus. We are thankful we got to hold him, but I look forward to the day when I get to see his beautiful eyes wide open for the first time. I look forward with hope to hear him cry out to me.
Some of my favorite verses that were read at Gideon’s service come from Revelation
3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will [a]dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them[b], 4 and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.”
5 And He who sits on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” And He *said, “Write, for these words are faithful and true.”
Revelation 21.3-5
Just a few months after going through our loss of Gideon we were pleasantly surprised to find out that I was once again pregnant. This due date was one day after Gideon’s due date. At a very different Level 2 ultrasound appointment we found out we were expecting another little boy, we decided on the name Eli Nathaniel. Eli is associated with the meaning God most High reminding us of a beloved passage in scripture both Mark and I love.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55.8-9
Nathaniel means gift of God which we knew this little boy most definitely would be and definitely has come to be. Also incidentally his initials spell END. We both see our Eli as the final chapter in our bringing children into the world, at least in this traditional sense. Each appointment for Eli lined up almost perfectly a year after all of Gideon’s appointments to help give us healing. Every time we’d experienced disappointment or anxiety or great sadness, we now received hope and celebration and uplifting news. Eli came in February 9th 2016 just a little over a year after we lost Gideon. Eli remains a reminder of God’s goodness and God’s love for us.
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
James 1.17
I honestly thought this was going to be the end of my testimony when I first agreed to share my testimony. However, God felt my story needed a little more plot line. Last summer on July 3rd on the 26th anniversary of my Leukemia diagnosis I had yet another medical event.
I felt sick and stayed home while my family went to church that morning. My family returned about an hour later Mark heard a loud crash coming from our bedroom. Apparently I had passed out and fallen into the shower and had begun having another grand mal seizure. I was taken to the hospital once again and given very little in the way of answers. I was tested in various ways by my neurologist and still have very few answers to this day. Our current prayer is to find a good mix of medicine to control my seizures. We have to live with the unknown cause of my seizures for now, but we also pray that God may shed light on the cause so I can help control them naturally as well.
Thankfully I can wonder as to what, or when, or if something new will be added to my life story- without losing my faith. My faith is firmly set in God-We know there is no shifting or changing with Him. We know he showed his love for us in sending Jesus to make a way for us to have much more than this time in a fallen world, we get to spend forever with Him. He is our hope in the darkest moments-when I miss our Gideon or when I fear another seizure is coming on or when I’m struggling with parenting my children. I know that God has always placed people into my life that offer great kindness to help us through our difficult trials. I hope to show kindness to others and be a light to them in their darkness. Most of all I hope to point others to the kindness of Jesus, only He can and will walk with us during this life and see us to the next.
This song is a wonderfully summary of how I try to live day to day...lifting my heart up to God, the one who holds the stars in their place.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TbLJyjfyACM
