7 months

He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
 but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:29-31

Another 31st has come around and I can't help but reflect on the passing of another month. I live with a conflicted heart about the passing of time. I want time to pass quickly so I can move past the physical pain from my pregnancy, and get to meet our next little one. Yet at the same time I don't want to be taken further away from our short time with Gideon. I know I'm not alone in the struggle with time as many moms long for time to stand still a little longer as they watch their children grow all too fast before their eyes. I still remember the births of each of my children and the various things my doctor or nurses remarked about them. Both Will and Luke received comments on the sheer volume of their hair, especially Luke who could pull off all kinds of crazy hair styles right after birth. While Olivia, received comments about her adorable chubby cheeks. 

Luke around 2 months old

Will at 1 year

Olivia only hours old

Of course Gideon's birth was a little quieter but their were sweet looks and mentions of his perfect little feet and about how incredibly adorable he was. He looked at peace from the moment he entered our arms until he went to be with Jesus. I think my biggest fear going into delivery was the idea of having to watch him struggle. However by the grace of God there was never a struggle and in some ways I'm thankful for that. There were only sweet moments of holding our little boy and soaking in all that we could.

I can say seven months out that my and Mark's grief looks different than it did initially, but it's still there. There are moments when a song comes on the radio or a sermon at our church hits a nerve and we feel it all over again. It can sneak up on us in the strangest places...the other day I had a hard study session with our kindergartner who refused to write a single number between 1 and 5. She knows her numbers orally but we are still working on the writing aspect. I had a moment of total over reaction and it was for more than her stubbornness, but more for the fact that I felt I had failed her...maybe she inherited my hatred of all things related to math...that I am a bad mom for not making her write numbers endlessly all summer....the idea that she's going to fail Kindergarten after only 10 days of school (I know I was just that far gone emotionally-and in reality after a few days of daily practice she's writing 1-5 just fine but check in with me next week and my husband and I may be convincing her again that "Elsa from Frozen knows how to write her numbers")...but all that over reaction finally landed at the source....did I not do enough for my Gideon? If I failed her then surely I failed to do more for Gideon to possibly extend his life beyond mere minutes. I know every time I go down that rabbit trail my husband, who is more on the realistic side of life, grounds me by reminding me that we couldn't have done more. Gideon was not breathing and what would it have given us to be more aggressive? A few hours of life where I wouldn't see or hold him in the NICU? These rabbit trails happen at the strangest times and are very hard to get out of.

For me another trigger is my pregnancy pain...it triggers vivid memories of all the times I bargained with God that I'd stay in pain for much longer if it meant Gideon would remain safe. This pregnancy is very similar to all my pregnancies...first comes the quick positive test and the happy dance of being pregnant...then in a few weeks comes the "I thought I wanted to eat that tonight but the smell is driving me nuts right now" (So my normal organization of weekly meal planning goes to planning a few days at a time)...then comes the pain (Yes I've tried almost every concept under the sun to fix this issue from rest, water, staying out of heat, lying on my left side (the magical side to lay on), Tylenol, Pilates, chiropractics, maternity belts, etc.)...next come contractions (My way too realistic braxton hicks that typically increase consistently in intensity and time until they drop off around hour 5-I refuse to even call the doctor until I'm going longer than 5 hours) Right now I'm emotionally trying to handle the fact that this pregnancy feels like it did with Gideon, but no shoe has dropped yet.

I thought once we had the blood test that it would be smooth sailing for me emotionally. However I think between the pain cutting my sleep short and the fact that pain at any level for days on end is hard, my mind gravitates and pulls me to the not so fun thoughts. I think I'm still waiting to feel confident that nothing will go wrong, but once your world has been rocked you don't quite feel that confidence as much. I am confident in the truths of the Bible and that God is for us. However, I'm also very much aware of how little control I have in this life. I'm aware that at any point, at any scan, or test something could happen or something could be detected.

Once again it's a daily choice to live in faith or fear...it really all boils down to that. The only hope I have to survive the day is to intentionally wake up before the kids, so hard to do as someone who'd rather sleep in, and get some time in God's word and talk to him before life happens. It's in those early minutes that I'm standing on God's truth that I know I'm not alone in this life. God is with me and walking beside me as I go, and when the scary thoughts come I can turn to him and talk. Even if it is to cry that I still don't understand-I only see a part of it all but he knows the whole story.

Just this last Sunday we sang a song at church that still gets to me every time I hear it! If you are going through a hard time or just need to be reminded of some basic truth I suggest you check it out!

Still by Hillsong

https://youtu.be/O6Fw8DgvTQA

Milestones

But from everlasting to everlasting

    the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,

    and his righteousness with their children’s children—

18 

with those who keep his covenant

    and remember to obey his precepts.

Psalm 103:17-18

We've been in the midst of big milestones for our kids and family lately. I realize more and more how blessed we are with the beautiful children God has granted us. I often speak of Gideon but my older kids are such sweet blessings as well. We sent off our big 2nd grader, Will, off to school on Wednesday. He has grown so much over the past year physically, emotionally, and in his faith. He still amazes me with his helpfulness. The first full day of school he needed to bring his lunch, he had it all made up and packed before I remembered to remind him to make it. Often when he can tell my stomach is bothering me, he will say "mommy you rest, I can clean everything." He is always thinking big thoughts and trying to deduce how everything works. He loves to help in the kitchen or guess the ingredients I used to make dinner on any given night. Will has a soft heart, and is always working hard...I'm looking forward to seeing how much more God will teach and grow him this year. The name William means "determined protector" and we see more and more how the name is the perfect representation of the big boy he is growing into. He is a determined protector of his younger siblings and also his friends both big and small.

                                                                  


Thursday was the day we sent our Kindergartner, Olivia, off to school last week. This is the first year that Olivia will be in a formal school setting. It made me a little nervous for Olivia as she is used to being led by her big brother, and not the leader herself in many areas of life. She is my girl, she's shy to start but once she feels at ease she is not afraid to speak up, a quality Mark loves to remind me is very much woven into my personality as well. She has an excellent memory and has already shown that in our Sunday school setting. She loves being the first to arrive to class and any time the teacher asks for her to be a helper. She's also a wealth of information on every detail of her time at school, so very different from having a boy who tells me bits and pieces of his day. She may appear quiet to acquaintances but she has a very determined and passionate spirit lurking just under the surface. She has her opinions and has recently let me know that she is sad that she wasn't given a princess name like her friends Jasmine and Aurora. She may not share a Disney character's name but she's definitely a princess at home. I'm looking forward to seeing her come out of her shell more outside of the house and stand on her own two feet. I know God is growing her into a girl after His heart!



We celebrated our little Luke who turned 3 years old on Friday. Along with turning 3, we also started Luke in a toddler bed...which the first few nights he was afraid of falling out of it... and not a fan of being bumped from baby status. This is the first 3rd birthday we've celebrated without having a baby in the house. It was nice to be able to celebrate his birthday with a Thomas party with friends the Saturday before his birthday. Then on his actual birthday night we went with extended family to Fritz's-a restaurant geared towards those obsessed with trains, as the meal is brought to the table by a model train that runs on tracks running throughout the restaurant. I think we hit the mark with Fritz's as Luke and his cousins were fascinated by the trains all over the place. Luke is such a happy kid who is always the entertainer. He is adept at sensing emotions and moods and is always striving to make us all smile. He is a very smart boy who is always striving to keep up with his big siblings. I know God is shaping him, and I look forward to seeing how he uses his social skills for God's glory.

                                            

Our milestones did not end with Luke. Monday I had my next prenatal appointment at 14 weeks along-so excited for the second trimester-one third of the way done! I was brave and scheduled my appointment at the only office location that does not have an ultrasound machine. So if we didn't pick baby up on dopplar I'd either have to say good enough, or most likely drive to another location all together. My doctor came in with the dopplar and the minute the dopplar hit my stomach I heard the loud thundering sound of our little one's heart beat. It was such a relief to have such a sure sign that baby is growing and still going strong. With each appointment and each week crossed off we are inching our way toward February. I still have pain, enough pain that I wake up in the night and have trouble going back to sleep...sleep is huge with my epilepsy as that's one of my major triggers... so my doctor is trying a new medicine for me that is not quite as strong as the stuff I normally take towards the end of my pregnancy....unfortunately I'm not sure if I will stick with the medicine for very long as it gave me crazy insomnia on my first night taking it-the opposite result I was hoping for. I'm still trying to remain thankful for the pain as it's Mark and I's main sign that baby is growing, although I'm hoping for kicks in a few more weeks as a nicer sign of baby doing ok. So while we still have to find ways to make life work until the end, we remain grateful for this huge blessing to look forward to!

Even with all of our recent milestones I know one is approaching in September for us. It was last year at the end of September that our hard journey with Gideon began. I can't help but wonder had we had more time with Gideon what kind of child he would have been, what his personality would have been? As we look forward to our ultrasound this time, I also remember back to last September. I remember the words and the emotions that filled that day for us. We are hoping that this little one's story will be different, but we also know only God holds the answers. Please remain in prayer for us as we approach this level 2 sonogram. There are still unknowns that could be uncovered, such as the threat of neural tube defects which is a real possibility with my epilepsy medicine...thankfully so far we have not had to confront any of those possibilities with any of our children. We know we serve a good God whatever the result, and that helps us to remain at peace and hopeful. We still tell our children we hope to take this baby home but we do not know anything for sure... but no matter what we know baby is in God's hands!

Breath of Fresh Air

You will go out in Joy 

and be led forth in peace;

The mountains and hills

will burst into song before you

and all the trees of the field

will clap their hands.

Isaiah 55:12

This verse is our MOPS theme verse for this upcoming year and I've been trying my best to memorize it in preparation. My kids love that they get to quiz me on memory work, instead of the other way around! This verse pretty much sums up what I felt today when receiving our great news! Right after receiving our wonderful news I met up with some MOPS moms at a beautiful park to talk about our summer book study. It was wonderful to think about this verse out on a beautiful day for August in Kansas...at a park full of trees, water, and ducks (there were no mountains but there were a few hills.) It's amazing what fresh air and good news can do to revive my attitude and outlook!

                                               
                                                                                               

The hoped for\feared call came this morning when I was in the midst of doing some housework and I had left my phone on vibrate from the night before and missed a call from Children's Mercy. The genetics counselor being extremely ready to share some positive news, for once, emailed Mark to tell him to have me call back as soon as possible and that she had good news. I called back a little before 9 am and heard the words we hoped to hear: the test did not detect any anomalies and everything looked normal! I was so happy and uplifted that things are looking "normal."

Normal is a word I longed to feel all through my life, and normal is something I still search desperately for on most days. I have to laugh that I expect God to make us all into cookie cutter creations. How boring would it be if I were actually normal, but some days I'd settle for boring over pain. My normal is always a little different from others during pregnancy. Yes it's normal for me to have two hours of random contractions, at only 12 weeks along, that are consistent and then completely drop off (I usually don't even call the doctor until after 5 hours because that's how my body rolls). It's normal for me to need to take multiple sitting breaks throughout the day to stave off pain. It's normal for me to need more help than I'd like to admit. However I'm so thankful to add baby looking normal to the mix this time around.

Gideon is definitely included in the new normal in many ways. Different things will bring him to mind and we allow our children to talk openly about him. It's normal to me to see a mom at a school gathering who's children almost identically line up to mine age wise including their fourth, a baby around the age Gideon would be....my mind began to think Gideon would have been going to Kindergarten with their youngest down the road had things gone differently. It's normal for Olivia to look at Gideon's picture and turn to me and say, "mommy he was so cute!" It's our new normal to pause when filling out a getting to know you quiz for school when reaching a question about how many brothers and sisters Will has. I loved that he was extremely thorough and was careful to keep Gideon in the mix.

All these little moments make my heart go out to all the parents and siblings that have children and siblings no longer on Earth but very much alive in their hearts and Heaven. Innocent quizzes can turn into a moment of sadness or indecision about how much to let others into that part of your life. I'm proud of my big kids that they will always include Gideon in the mix no matter what others may think. Numbering my children will always be a struggle and I will include them all if people ask. However, just looking at our family on outings their is the assumption that we have only three kids or a party of 5, but in my heart I want to scream party of 6. I'm thankful we got to have time with Gideon and I'm thankful he's waiting to reunite with us some day down the road. I'm thankful that we have this rainbow baby coming along to join our party, thanks to the help of modern medicine Mark and I can breath a little easier and plan a little more! Can't wait to meet our sweet little one in February!