Surrender and Surprises

  I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.” -1 Samuel 1:27-28

So Father's Day 2014 our whole journey started with Gideon. That's the day that Mark and I discovered we were expecting a little baby. Soon we were sharing our happy news in great anticipation of what was to come! I began planning all the little details the minute the test turned positive. I was put on modified bed rest fairly early on in my pregnancy with Gideon due to my typical pain and contractions. So in my free time I researched clothes and baby gear. We had sold and given away baby gear thinking that Luke was going to be our last baby. God opened our hearts to welcome and love another baby. Like many times, I showed my love for this next baby through planning. I planned so much and then September hit and our priorities changed completely!

I had glimpses of what surrender looked like through out all the medical trials I had experienced in my life to that point, but we were up against a new level of surrender with Gideon. We prayed for a miracle but simultaneously we prayed for God's will and God's help in accepting it. We made the most of the days I remained pregnant, thankful to be in pain since it meant Gideon was still there! Thankful for each and every kick, as they were God's little reassurances. Planning became more about preparing our children for what was to come, especially Will who was so looking forward to a baby sibling. We had to find a way to surrender our precious boy completely to God, which is the biggest struggle no matter how old our children are. This year Father's day was a little different, but also not so different!

Surprise, God is giving us another blessing, another pregnancy which we hope will turn out differently. After a few days of  my epilepsy acting up, I took a test and sure enough this June we saw another positive. Then 3 more tests later I figured we could be confident that I was carrying a new baby. Another addition, a much anticipated and hoped for addition. I know things this time feel different, it's impossible to walk our road and not view pregnancy differently. The biggest thing for me is to run to God when fears strike-as they have already hit time and again between nightmares and random thoughts. To see this pregnancy through God's eyes, even the morning sickness and exhaustion is comforting as I know these are the effects of a growing baby. In the big picture, all the material things are nothing compared to time with those we love. We are praying we get to take this baby home and love him or her for many many years to come!

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
James 1:17

Cute baby outfit I picked up from MOPS 

Last May as we were ending our MOPS (Mother's Of Preschoolers) meeting for the spring semester, I did a little peeking at baby outfits in our MOPS Swap, or kids clothing exchange. I found an adorable KU outfit for our hoped for baby. Some of our expectations at the beginning of our last pregnancy was that we would have a bitty baby to hold while watching KU basketball during one of the best times of the year, March Madness. I didn't even think twice about picking up the outfit as I figured we love the Jayhawks all year round. We were forced to surrender the desire to hold our baby at home over to God once we got Gideon's prognosis. Another surprise, it looks like God may give us our March Madness baby snuggles after all!

Please pray for me and my family as we look forward to our rainbow due in February. God is writing this story...in His providence our baby's due date is a day after his/her big brother Gideon's due date. At first I was leery of having a baby due anywhere near Gideon's due date, but now I see it through God's eyes as a new chapter in our unfolding story. How great our God is that He would bless us in this way. No matter what lies ahead we will rejoice today that we have another little one to love and care for no matter how long that may be. I hope that by the time we get to meet this little one that he or she will be covered in prayer and love which is by far the best gift any baby can receive!

Lord, you are my God;

    I will exalt you and praise your name,

for in perfect faithfulness

    you have done wonderful things,

    things planned long ago.

 Isaiah 25:1

Be Still

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.

Exodus 14:14

The context of this verse is very timely to all that we have faced in the last year. Moses was speaking to the Isrealites when they were stuck between the advancing army of Pharaoh and the Red Sea. I cannot imagine the terror the Isrealites were facing, reasonably there was no way out-but they were not being guided by a God boxed in by our "reasonable" limits-He is capable of anything! We know how the story ends-God parts the sea and the Israelites walk through unharmed and the army comes to complete ruin when the waves crash down on them. I know God goes before us no matter how things look around us. I also have my own personal story of when God parted the sea for me and my family almost 25 years ago. 

July 3rd 1990 I was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia or ALL (there were no sub types at that time). My only symptoms going in to the doctor was fatigue and unexplained bruising -my first few years as a mother I would get unusually worried every time a child got a bruise or was tired...in hindsight I was destined to go crazy chasing an active boy around making sure I knew where every little bruise came from, but thankfully I learned to turn it over to God.-I was diagnosed after my mother demanded my pediatrician to test me further as she knew as a mom that something was not right. So thankful my mom never gave up and we caught the cancer early. After a little under a month of chemo I was put into remission-I would still go on to do 3 years of chemotherapy-but I never relapsed.

It seems as time passes from those traumatic days, my parents let on more and more as what it was like to be my parent during that time period. I was in the small minority that did not relapse and need a bone marrow transplant. Also there was a great majority that ultimately won their battle in a different way-going to the place where there is no more illness or nasty medicine. My parents lived daily thankful and daily concerned that my situation could change at any moment. We did a lot during those years to make memories in the event I only had a little time. I still remember the short time Mark and I felt we were living on the edge of not knowing what would happen or when Gideon would arrive. My mind drifts often to how those other parents who walked the hard path of repeating chemotherapy and added in a bone marrow transplant- and even more those who had to say good bye to their children. My mind also goes to the place of God's sovereignty and why I won my battle on Earth but Gideon won his battle in Heaven.

I know God's ability to perform miracles but how do I reconcile that with the entire Gideon situation. There are a small minority of children who are still alive years later with Trisomy 18-I was ready to fight for my Gideon if we were of the group who were able to care for their children on Earth. When we learned about the state of our Gideon's heart, God laid on our hearts that Gideon was not destined for long on Earth. Our fight for Gideon became a fight for him to experience as much love as possible on Earth before leaving. We had close family a room away and nurses ready to help in any way we needed to make as many memories as possible. Our photographer spent time in between our delivery room and our family's room.

Family ready to meet Gideon

Nurse and my Doc helping the big siblings!

    

           Big brother Will so happy to meet baby Gideon

This last Sunday we taught the lesson of Gideon from Judges 6-8 to our little class of Kindergartens. The overall lesson was that "we should obey God and trust him to help us." We showed our class, as best we could, how God cut down the number of the men in Gideon's army on purpose so that they would remember that God was responsible for the victory. I feel that the entire situation with our little Gideon was so impossible that just walking through the day required leaning on God. We would get a little hope and then something else would pop up and bring us back down to our knees. 

A friend of mine told me that sometimes our stories do not involve the kind of miracles that fix everything, but the miracle is sometimes that we were able to walk through the hard time. We are still standing after feeling the pressure of being stuck between impossible situations. I know only God helped us and still moves us forward to whatever he has in mind for us. 

Psalm 46

God is our refuge and strength,

    an ever-present help in trouble.

  Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way

    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

 though its waters roar and foam

    and the mountains quake with their surging.[c]

 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,

    the holy place where the Most High dwells.

 God is within her, she will not fall;

    God will help her at break of day.

 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;

    he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

 The Lord Almighty is with us;

    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

 Come and see what the Lord has done,

    the desolations he has brought on the earth.

 He makes wars cease

    to the ends of the earth.

He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;

    he burns the shields[d] with fire.

 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;

    I will be exalted among the nations,

    I will be exalted in the earth.”

 The Lord Almighty is with us;

    the God of Jacob is our fortress.