Last Tuesday night we got a huge peek into the thoughts in our Will's head. He and his sister Olivia have been doing the Bible study with me on the Gospel of John. Each week their bible study tries to go over one key attribute of God and tries to get the kids to think hard about how they have seen that attribute of God in their own lives. Last Monday the question was "How have you seen God as omnipotent, all powerful?" Will has always been a big thinker and didn't want to give a perfunctory answer...or as he calls them "cheating answers"...so I could tell he was really struggling to put his thoughts into words this time. I, in my head, thought he was just trying to over-complicate the response, so I had him come to my room so he could have a quiet place to think things over. It didn't take long one on one for him to break down and voice thoughts that I know Mark and I struggled and wrestled with in honest and raw ways as adults when learning about Gideon's diagnosis and the enormity of what was going on.
He started by saying he was having a hard time pointing to a personal time God was all powerful because He didn't heal Gideon on Earth. He let Gideon go to Heaven even though he could have given us a miracle. Then he started getting mad at Adam and Eve for the fall and the entrance of Sin into the world... and if God knew this all would happen why would he even allow choices in life? I tried to remind him that put in the same position as Adam and Eve we would have screwed up too... we all have a rebellious spirit...we all seek to rule our own lives. It was so hard hearing the anguish in his voice, he was desperately searching for a way for things to have been better for all, especially his baby brother. It was another reminder of how hard Gideon's passing has affected not only Mark and me, but our children as well. While it makes me sad that Will is going through all of this, I was reminded that God may be preparing him for big things down the road. We have no idea what big things God has planned for each of our children.
The other issue that keeps recurring is my epilepsy. It just seems to keep resurfacing over and over again and reminds me how little control we really have in this life. At my Bible study, the leader gave a wonderful talk regarding Jesus cleansing the temple courts in the Gospel of John chapter 2. She brought up the point that He wants to come into each believer's life and cleanse the sin that we continue to cling to. I know personally I struggle with the concept of control. I want things to stay fairly in line with my thinking, my body to remain well, and for children to be obedient and kind at all times (and all the parents laugh out loud). However, as we all know, nothing stays in line for long, and I know my body especially does not care about my plans for the day. Last Sunday morning I had another semi-seizure, I was awake and felt a ripple of shaking go through my body. Eli has been teething lately and my body is back to erratic waking schedules, but the questions still ring...I've had babies with more erratic sleep schedules and I experienced less seizures...why now? But my mind keeps returning to the Bible and the story of Paul and the thorn in his side.
Paul had a pain, a thorn in his side, and he pleaded with God to remove this thorn. This man was someone following hard after God. He was on fire for God and spreading His word to those near and far. However, even when this righteous man prayed for God to remove this pain, God answered this prayer in the most powerful way for those of us living in unplanned pain:
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12.9-10
Whenever I start getting my seizure headache or auras, Mark and I's new plan is for me to lay in the middle of our bed, instead of walking around during my auras. His logic is that I would be less likely to roll off the bed if I was in the middle. Also if I'm staying put I would not risk collapsing into the shower as I have the past couple times...so there's less chance of injuring myself further. But when I think about laying in the middle of our bed... I think about laying in the middle of God's grace. Resting or surrendering to His care. There's no safer place for any of us to be than to be laying in the middle of God's grace...in the middle of God's plan...in the middle of right where God wants us to be.
I know our lives are so filled with His grace even amid the uncertainty. I've received help in rides to bible study and MOPS from kind friends. I've been able to slow down more and focus on the things that really matter once again. I'm still so thankful that God gave me Mark... He brought us to the same Bible study at KU at the same time. I have four Earthly pictures of God's grace in my children that we get to raise, I have to remember being a cancer survivor that it's by God's grace that I was even able to have any one of them. God graced us with 39 weeks of pregnancy with Gideon and an opportunity to hold our precious baby boy....I think more and more of him especially in October which is a month to remember those who have lost infants and children. Of course the prayers from sweet friends and family are always a huge help to our peace of mind as we continue to live day to day in the middle.
The day to remember all those babies and children gone too soon is October 15th, pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day (but I include older children in my remembrances too). Many will be lighting candles at 7pm and we will be joining with all the others participating. Even if you have not lost an infant or child yourself... feel free to light a candle in remembrance of friends or family who have gone through the heartache of handing a little one over to Heaven. We will not only remember Gideon but also those joining him: Faith, Sebastian, Karalyn, Nigel, and many others.
