I have been tossing words around in my head for the last few weeks trying to describe accurately what it's been like parenting a new rainbow baby while still grieving my angel baby. (I know theologically that Gideon is not literally an angel, that he is still human in Heaven, It's a term used by grieving parents to describe their children who have passed away.) This period of simultaneous joy and pain is difficult to express, especially since I don't want to come across ungrateful for the opportunity to have a beautiful healthy and growing boy!
I have been deep in the newborn/little baby period with our rainbow baby Eli for the past 4 and half months. I've had a quick refresher in how crazy the first bit of life is like with a little one. No matter how many times you have experienced the newborn stage, it is still brutal and exhausting. Somehow I managed to build up some crazy expectations of what Eli was going to be like in the last trimester of my pregnancy. Those expectations have come crashing down around me unexpectedly like a tidal wave.
My crazy out of line expectation included a boy that rarely cried. A miraculous newborn that woke up once, maybe twice at night and happily went back to sleep right after eating. I expected that I would be able to provide all the nourishment he would need, without the use of formula...something that I have never been able to do in the past. I would have enough energy to take care of a newborn and have enough energy left over to parent the other three the same way I had prior to having a newborn. Oh how I want to laugh as I type these ridiculous expectation I had.
I should have known from the moment Eli's delivery went longer than anticipated, that all my built up expectations were entirely out of line with reality. Within days of Eli's birth I suspected, and proved to be correct, that Eli had acid reflux and colic simultaneously...This was finally confirmed around one month and he started medication for the reflux but also continued to require a great deal of holding and walking around, and still does. Another thing I should have expected is that I continued to have supply issues with my nursing. (I blame this on chemo because I underwent chemo prior to puberty...and also when in doubt I generally blame chemo even though I'm thankful that it saved my life.) We ended up having to switch to formula after I gave it my all to get things going. Also, Eli appeared to be on the verge of a diagnosis of Pylori Stenosis at around 6 weeks due to some radical projectile vomiting spells, which would have required emergency surgery, thankfully nothing ever came of it. To this day he is still a mama's boy and when given the option to be held by anyone he only wants me...which is both good and frustrating. He really only naps well when he's in the carrier or being rocked or bounced which makes for a good workout, but if I'm tired or not feeling well it can be difficult on me.
Personally In the first two months after Eli's birth I experienced three rounds of the stomach bug, as well as parenting children through various rounds of illness. At the same time we were on edge about the potential pylori stenosis diagnosis, our family vehicle decided to end it's life (It happened in the pick up lane for Kindergarten at my children's school...Mark had to use his lunch hour to bale me out),This required us to find a new vehicle to fit us all... and left me without a reliable car for a few days. We solved the vehicle issue, but a little while later I started getting crazy stomach and lower back pain. This turned out to be an ovarian cyst that would come to be diagnosed on our 10th anniversary and later ruptured while I was helping at our church's VBS a couple weeks later. So my built up expectations of our 'rainbow' life ..our happily ever after was not met with reality in a fallen world.
Now when reality crashes around someone they can do one of two things...accept it for what it is or fight against it. Unfortunately I did not want to accept any part of what was happening and I internalized much of my angst. I wanted and longed for my happily ever after and I was ready to fight for it even though it was futile. My mood was off for quite some time due to all the chaos, after birth hormones, and continued grief over Gideon. I blamed myself for all that was wrong, even though reality and logic would state that I could not change or control what was going on. In my head a voice kept whispering... "You're not getting what you deserve. Maybe if you work a little harder you can get that happily ever after."
Thankfully I was able to decipher that my thoughts were incorrect, even though I couldn't rid myself of the feeling that I had somehow failed. With the help of medication and a loving husband who constantly reminded me that I was doing a good job, I started accepting things as they were. I was able to find some peace. However, the grief still remains and I will still get caught up in my memories of Gideon as I watch Eli.
Sometimes I feel like Gideon is a balloon released into the air and during the first year of grief I was able to see that balloon as it drifted slowly. However it is hard now that it seems as if that Balloon is a mere dot in the sky. I remember him, but not with the clarity that I once did. That makes it harder on me as a mom to not vividly remember the feeling of his weight in my arms, the feel of his tiny hand on my finger, or any other tiny detail like that. I know this happens with each of my babies, and those memories are generally replaced with newer ones as they hit milestones. However with Gideon those tiny memories have to last me until I see him again in Heaven. I find myself repeating that 32 minutes of life and 24 hours of holding him is not enough for me. His story was too short and oh how I wish I could rewrite it for him, but the story has been told and I have to accept God's direction.
Life will not include a happily ever after until Jesus returns someday. If I received a happily ever after in this life I may not long as much for Heaven. I'm reminded of a wise saying I heard once: For the believer life on Earth is the closest that person will ever get to Hell...and for the unbeliever life on Earth is the closest that person will ever get to Heaven. I'm thankful that there is so much better waiting for me in Heaven.
In the meantime I can rest in the fact that God has already given us so much to be thankful for. Even though life with Eli is not perfect, we all still love this boy that God has blessed us with. It is fitting that our rainbow baby wants to be held so much, as we so longed to hold Gideon past the 24 hours we were able to on Earth. I'm thankful for the other three beautiful children God has given us, and their love for one another. I enjoy Will's diligent leadership and help in various areas such as making lunch for his siblings or helping Luke get buckled in the car. I love Olivia's eagerness to learn and read, as well as her love of dance. Luke lights up the room with his silliness and his begging to receive kisses before bed...if we don't give him enough kisses you can hear him scream down the stairs "kiss chothers"...I know all too soon he will be too cool for kisses from mommy. If I keep my mind focused on God and what He wants from me, I know I'm not failing and I know that in his timing I will get my happily ever after in Heaven.
 |
| Eli's dedication Picture |
I called on your name, Lord,from the depths of the pit.You heard my plea: “Do not close your earsto my cry for relief.”You came near when I called you,and you said, “Do not fear.”Lamentation 3.55-57
I've lived through both a hard and joyous pregnancy and birth. I know that God has seen me through both situations and I know he will continue to walk through this time with me. I'm thankful for both because even though Gideon was the hardest journey Mark and I have ever walked thus far, it drew us closer to God and there was no room to sit on the fence about our faith....we were either all in or all out. I'm praying that His peace will return no matter what lies ahead!
