Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly
Romans 5.1-6
These verses still resonate with me so much. We have been through a crazy hard time with Gideon and loosing him and trying to regroup. I'm thankful that God sent Jesus to die to reconcile us even though he didn't have to...I can have assurance that Gideon is in a far better place right now. I can have a deep seated hope, not just in temporal things but in God. I was helpless to save Gideon, but God was not.
I was totally unprepared for the emotions surrounding the changing of the calendar year. We are officially done with 2015 but I'm struggling leaving that year behind. In my mind the beginning of 2015 was both beautiful and hard simultaneously. I think it's doubly hard that not only are we leaving the year in which Gideon was born in but we are entering his birth month of January on top of that. January 31st will mark an entire year since I held Gideon in my arms. The 31st was the one period in time that I had to make any memories with him and our family as a whole. I know he's in Heaven and I can rest in that, but it doesn't take away the pain of separation on a daily basis. My biggest fear for 2016 is that his memory will be lessened more and more with the passing of time. I fear hearing his name mentioned less and less...as a grieving mom there's nothing more I like to hear than Gideon spoken about aloud. I fear that as we welcome in his little brother Eli that he will fade into the background.
Part of my mind still remembers all the doctors visits. The little pieces of hope we were given towards the end of my pregnancy that we may in fact get him to come home for a short time before passing. I remember the detailed plans we handed over to the staff at Shawnee Mission Medical Center at our pre-admission appointment that happened to take place on Mark's 30th Birthday-not the way I ever envisioned spending his birthday. The way my doctor was concerned for us over her weekend, during her personal downtime, before my last in office appointment... how she was convinced we needed to try inducing on the 31st. I still remember the song playing in the car on our way to the hospital on the morning of January 31st
I Am by David Crowder
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cH_LLGiE0f0
I got a little teary at the first snow we had in the KC area as it brought back memories of leaving the hospital February 1st with empty arms...driving home through the fresh fallen snow. Planning Gideon's service while it was icy/snowy outside for that February 5th evening. We had a lot of our saddest memories during snow last year...it's one reason why I hoped that we wouldn't have our rainbow baby during the winter...but God had other plans...perhaps he will take another sad memory and turn it into a beautiful one once again.
While my mind is wrapped in memories of the past I'm trying to view Eli's coming birth through a more positive mindset. It's not an easy task to fully trust that all is and will be ok with his birth with the past still so fresh in my mind. Mark and others around us having been a huge help in that area. At the beginning of my pregnancy with Gideon I contemplated a nice big cushy rocking chair purchase, but once we learned how things really were we decided against a large reminder of our loss. This year for Christmas Mark surprised me with a date night to choose my glider/recliner for me to enjoy with our Eli and our 3 bigger babies.
A friend of mine surprised me with some new baby gowns the other day and they helped to remind me that we can in fact start planning the little clothes that Eli will wear once he's born. My sister in law got me a Tula carrier for Christmas and few nice swaddle blankets. The Tula style we chose has little arrows on it and I feel like it's a nice nod to our little warrior no longer with us. At the same time it will serve to keep our Eli close to us no matter what we are doing. I let the kids help pick out some outfits for Eli as well, and that helped them feel included in the preparations as well.
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| Our carrier with model-not me |
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| Our Moses basket with some of Eli's things |
I've allowed myself to do a little nesting here and there and pull out Gideon's Moses basket. Mark has purchased the wood and gear he needs in order to build a stand for the basket. I have worked on Eli's baby quilt and only need to quilt it now. Each piece of baby gear or clothing I pull out helps me to feel a little more normal. All the nesting serves to remind me that this time is different and this time all signs point to a healthy and growing baby. Part of my heart refuses to be fully confidant until I see my baby boy with his eyes open wide and screaming. I've never desired to hear my baby cry more, than I do this time around. I know that ultimately I need to continue to place this boy in God's hands. I pray that He can keep me in peace during this turbulent month and bring us safely to a February day when we get to meet this little one.
Please keep our whole family in prayer as we approach the first anniversary of Gideon's birth and passing January 31st. I'm praying that I will be able to keep my mind and heart focused on the blessings he continues to give us. I will continue to speak Gideon's name as often as I can and I pray that others around us will feel free to say his name openly as it makes me feel as if he is not just a passing memory. Most of all this year I want to focus on the word HOPE! Our hope is not in a baby or things, but only in God who can and will carry us through all we face ahead!
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| 34 weeks-January 4th Not great at the selfies |
