Remembering With Hope

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” 

Matthew 19:14

 This verse came to mind to me this morning and I see it in a totally new light. I loved this verse as a child, especially during chemotherapy as I knew Jesus was with me and getting me through it all. As a mother this verse reminds me how much God cares for my children and I greatly look forward to the day when God pulls on their hearts to be fully committed to Him in their own lives. But now as a mother who has fully given my child to Jesus this hits me in a new way. I never pictured myself as a disciple blocking the children from spending time with Jesus. However in many ways I wanted to keep our Gideon for ourselves...my heart was not ready to let him go to Jesus... and in my own way I struggled with letting Gideon run to Jesus. I still miss him desperately and will be hit with the emotions at random moments during my day. At the same time I'm very thankful that he is with Jesus who knows him and cares for him even more than I can fathom. I picture him running to Jesus with open arms for a big hug and I know Jesus will be there to give him that hug!

Gideon with his special necklace from Maymay

Today is a special day for many mothers and fathers who are part of a club no one willingly joins. It's pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day and at 7pm many will be lighting candles for an hour to remember their special babies who reside far away in Heaven while we carry on here on Earth. I think one of the harder parts for me about that one hour concept, is that our Gideon was only technically alive for 32 minutes. Even then it was very silent and his beautiful eyes never opened. We never learned how his cries sounded...never had a chance to know what his mad, sad, hungry, dirty diaper sounds sounded like. We held him for as long as possible but that time will never be enough to last a life time. We will forever be working through how to live separated from our valiant warrior. I know God is always spot on with His timing.

Monday night I went to my BSF, Bible Study Fellowship, on the book of Revelation. The talk given that night was another great one, part of which was on how our suffering, no matter what kind, can be a way of showing others God if we suffer well. She mentioned a couple that she knows well, the husband is heading up a youth based outreach, this couple just learned that their unborn child is facing a fatal diagnosis. When she uttered those words, fatal diagnosis, my stomach felt like I'd just been punched and I could visualize us right back at last year's ultrasound. My heart hurts that anyone else has to go through what we did. She also mentioned the many times they were offered abortion as an easy escape from the burden of having to say good bye to their baby farther along in pregnancy or shortly after birth. How they made the same stand we made, that abortion was not an option, that life no matter how short was the only way. Even knowing what I know now, I'd still choose those few minutes we had with him before he was officially declared. I would still choose to have our family waiting in the wings to get time with Gideon.

Thankfully earlier that day, at 22 weeks with this next little boy, I had a regular prenatal appointment. It felt as ordinary as any appointment has, aside from my 3 year old having an all out fit over my not letting him play with the sharpie marker in the bathroom. Our baby boy is growing as expected and his heart beat was 150 beats per minute...I find it very reassuring that every appointment his heartbeat has been 150 bpm with very little variation. My doctor and I discussed my contractions and what my next step is to control them. Aside from taking it easy, I can take IB Profen if my contractions extend beyond an hour. This is pretty much the only pill we've found after 4 pregnancies that shuts my body down when contracting. The whole appointment felt routine and quick and nothing like the appointments last year.

I am thankful that I face today knowing that this next little boy has checked out well at his level 2 sonogram. That we are back to routine appointments where my biggest concern is how many contractions are too many for me. Back to planning our weekly menu around stomach pain and my need for a few nights off from cooking each week.

Last night our small group was able to hang out at our house enjoying the treat of good company and a winning KC Royals team. We had homemade crown projects for the kids and plenty of sweets to ruin everyone's diets and help grow my tummy just a little bit more. It was great to be distracted by friends when contractions kicked in, and thankfully they dropped off after only 30 minutes. It was good to be with those who have always stuck closer than a brother and sister. These friends have been with us in our darkest days and are still willing to listen to me ramble when I need to process my ever evolving feelings about Gideon and all that happened.

Celebrating the Royals with friends is especially sweet this year since
we were not in a celebratory mood last year
when the Royals made it into post season

Tonight right before we light our candle for Gideon we have Olivia's ballet watch night. This is the first time that Mark has been able to participate in watch night and I know Olivia is looking forward to it. If you spend more than a minute with Olivia you will learn how much she loves ballet and dancing in general. I know this was timed for us as well, reminding us while we all have a piece missing from our family, we still have so much to be thankful for and to celebrate. We have three beautiful children to continue to raise and lead to the Lord each day. Mark and I have each other and I know on many days we can understand each other without a spoken word. We are still working our way through it all and in my heart Gideon will remain our fourth child, third son, even with the impending arrival of another son.

Doing her natural pose for every ballet picture

When Mark and I were married my mother wrote a poem for the occasion, I credit any writing ability I have to having her as my mother. The poem was entitled "Our Journey Now Begun" and this has remained a fitting metaphor for our lives. In many ways we would not have taken certain turns, but in each step of our lives we have walked together. We didn't expect the bends but they were never a surprise to our big God. I know God gave Mark and I to each other for all the unexpected twists and turns, I know there is no one else who could calm me with a single hug, I always tell him he gives the best hugs. No one else could read my silent thoughts through a phone line, such as when I was surprised to find out we were pregnant with Will and I tried to conceal it from Mark on a work break phone call he made to me while working at UPS-Mark figured out that I must have taken a pregnancy test and it was actually positive-he showed up at our married student housing apartment after work with a rose and sparkling grape juice to celebrate. We know God continues to write our story and we know it's far from over! I'm thankful for the hope he continues to place in our lives right now, but most of all for the hope of Heaven!